change

it's the only constant thing in my life.

i wanted a change. this blog is no more. i'll read updates from everyone but i won't be posting.

i've moved to tumblr:
mariellekendra.tumblr.com

look me up if you like.

peace & goodbye

xoxo,
marielle

wishful thinking, patience shrinking

bliss is far away --♥

this isn't going to work if you can't trust me with how you feel. this isn't going to work if you can't tell me what's wrong, if you lie to me and tell me that nothing's wrong when there obviously is something wrong. i felt useless last night because you wouldn't let me in. you made me feel like shit, made me feel like it was my fault, like i did something wrong. i was up for hours last night just thinking. you backed me up into a corner and i felt like i was left with no other option than to break up with you. and i fought with myself last night, i don't wanna break up with you, i wanna make this work because this would be such a dumb reason to break up. you can't lash out on me whenever you're in a bad mood. i'm sitting there trying to talk to you and make you feel better and all you can give me is sarcasm and an attitude. i don't even know what to do but apologize even though i didn't do anything wrong. baby this isn't the first time you've done this to me and last night wasn't the first time i cried because you were treating me like shit.

i believe that a relationship is based on 75% trust and 25% love. i've let you in completely and i trust you, i don't trust anyone, and it took me a while to trust to you but i do and i tell you everything, i tell you when something's wrong or when something's bothering me. but you, you shut yourself off and push me away. then the next day you pretend that nothing happened and that issue gets put on the back burner. it doesn't work that way. i usually sit there and take it most times, i'll listen and try to make you feel better even though you're being rude. i'll let you cool off most times but last night, i didn't even know what was wrong. everything was fine then all of a sudden your mood changed and you aimed all that anger or stress or whatever it was, you aimed it directly towards me.

you make me cry, i let it affect me so much because you mean everything to me, because i love you and i hate that you don't trust telling me what's wrong.

i hope that one day you'll start to let me in. i understand that you're not the type of guy to talk about how you're feeling but if you don't start, this relationship just isn't going to work. it's a two way street, if you wnat me to tell you what's wrong, then you have to tell me what's wrong too. it works both ways.

and the words 'i'm sorry' and 'i love you' isn't always going to fix things and make it all better.

yes i love you but i'd appreciate it if you didn't do this anymore, there's only so much i can take.

i'll be here when you're ready to let me in and talk to me about what's bothering you.


please speak slowly, my heart is learning, teach me heartache, stop this burning now


xoxo,
marielle

suffocate

Cuz I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind --♥

you know that it's not gonna be a good morning when the night before you can't get to sleep, when you toss and turn for hours and hours because those three little words weren't said, when you get only two hours of sleep and you wake up with a pounding headache. the weather outside is shitty again and my mood sucks. i feel like my head's going to explode. i tossed and turned last night because things didn't work out yesterday. i was supposed to see monte at work to give him the prom permission slip but nooo my daddy wanted me home early. FML all i wanted was to wrap myself up in his arms for a good five minutes and i couldn't even get that because my parents are dictators. i was dizzy all night and i threw up twice, ew. i hated it. and to top it all off, all that sickness made me a moody bitch to my boyfriend. i wasn't in the mood for his name-calling last night so i closed myself off and acted rude while we were on the phone. he got the gist of it and got irritated too, so our goodnight texts were shit, no 'i love you' just a simple "night".

then this morning i try to fix it. say my usual 'good morning baby' and all i get in return is 'morning' no 'morning babe' like usual just a 'morning'. that little word changes everything. so i knew he wasn't in the best of mooods. he stressed. he might have to take a shitload of biology classes just to graduate this year. he's going to be superbusy and he's gonna have to work his ass off. he doesn't wanna go to prom, is only going because of me and i feel bad. i don't wanna make him go if he doesn't want to but at the same time, i don't wanna go alone. it's supposed to be a special night, the last special night and well i wanna share that with monte. i wanna share that with my boyfriend, if he's not there it's just not gonna be the same. i don't know what's gonna happen, everything just honestly sucks right now and prom's in 2 weeks. shoot me now.

and when he's not having a good day i'm not either. we're just freaking connected in that weird way ya know? he's in a shit mood and so am i. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

some good news: me and steff decided to start talking again. i'm sick of that drama bullshit fighting. so we were texting last night and we both agreed it was time to stop ignoring each other and just start talking again. i'm glad, it hasn't been the same without her. it's gonna take a while to get back to normal, if it even ever does, but i'm gonna try to make it work. four years of being best friends shouldn't get thrown up because of a dumb fight.

i get my package today. after like ages my cousins in NC finally sent my package :) it comes in the mail today, my fingers are crossed. i'm excited to see what it is.

okay well i'm over this now, all this typing is making my head feel worse.

xoxo,
marielle

i'll be missing you

will you miss me too? --♥

so i realized the other night that i have to say a lot of goodbyes at graduation. i have to say goodbye to my fine arts family: i've been with these kids for three years. do i really have to say goodbye to them??!! these kids have been my family for three years and i don't know what i'm going to do with out them next year. i will always remember english II when we all first met & barattasaurus <33. i will miss world history last year and exhibition. i'm glad the family came back this year just in time for exhibition, that night is forever imprinted in my memories.

i have to say goodbye to one of my oldest, closest best friend: Marcy. she's lived down one street from me since i can remember and i've known her since kindergarten and we've been best friends since 8th grade and she's going away to college in VIRGINIA. i'm not going to be allowed to run to her whenever i need her, there's going to be freaking states in our way now. :( she's been there for me for so long, she's was there for my roller coaster of a year this year. she sat there and held my hand, rubbed my back, let me cry, listened to all my issues and then promised me that it was all going to be okay. and now she's leaving me? ohhhh great. i'm not taking it quite well, i've already lost one best friend this year, must i really lose another?

but i guess i have some comfort because i'm going to have best friend vu there for me & my monte :) i'll be quite alright as long as they stay by my side. i talked to vu about how scared i was of all this change, how i was afraid that there was a possibility i could lose monte and he told me this: you changed from jr high to high school and you turned out fine, change is bound to happen and you just have to get used to it. i doubt that you and monte are going to grow apart, he loves you too much to let an hour keep you guys away, i mean if he walks from his house to everett to come see you he'll deff drive up to lowell to see you. and i'll always be here for you too, i'll try as best as i can to fill in for marcy" having him say that to me was sooo great. it helped me start to breathe properly again after crying for a good 20 mins. seeee, vu's comforting, he's like another big brother, except i'm older than him. and monte, well, he's been reassuring me that he's not going to go anywhere. "i don't wanna leave you" i'm the reason why he's not going into the marines, he doesn't wanna be away from me, my goodness it's nice to finally have someone who's going to stick around. someone who's not going to leave me, he's my here and now, he's my forever.

he's grounded by the way. he failed last quarter because of absences. he got yelled at, and i hate to say it but i'm a bit disappointed at him. i want him to do better, i'm trying to motivate him but i don't wanna end up sounding like i'm trying to dictate him life. he's not allowed to come to everett as much and no one is allowed over. which means that i don't get to see him. it completely ruined my week knowing that there's a huge possibility that i'm not going to be able to see him. and i miss him, it's been two days, well three today and it sucks. i miss his hugs and his kisses and i just want to be with him now now now. he were talking on the phone last night and it helped, but only a little, and i sleep in his hoodie, the scent of him calms me down and gets me to sleep. i miss you boyfriend lots and lots.

*sigh*

periods over. peace.

xoxo,
marielle

and it's likei can't feel a thing without you around

meant to be together, meant for no one but each other, you love me i love you harder --♥

its been a roller coaster for the past four days. i think i'm gonna start thursday night : FA Exhibition !
all i will say is that i'm proud to be a part of this academy because everyone is so freaking talented, danny pinho is going to be a rockstar, he's quite amazing and adorable. monte didn't come to exhibition and it upset me a lot. everyone had someone there supporting them and i had no one, i felt so alone, and i broke down and started crying. he was the only one i wanted there and he didn't come. thank god for my fine arts family, they made me feel so much better by inviting me to come to the beach with them. it was a night to remember. i love you guys so much and i really don't know what i'm going to do next year without any of you. it's been an amazing three years, the best three years of my life. Fine Arts for lifeeeee (:

friday & saturday i spent with monte, of course. we chilled at his house and i play with his little sisters/cousin chris. chris is frigging adorable! he has jade green eyes and was asking me to play video games with him, i couldn't resist wanting to steal him, hahaaaa.

yesterday monte & vu picked me up from work and we walked around. it was a weird night, i talked to jeff for hours and college and my plan and stuff. it was nice being able to talk to him and being able to tell him how scared i was. my plan right now is to go to UMass Lowell and dorm there, which i really have no problem with because it's what i wanted to do in the first place BUT it would mean being an hour away from monte. lowell is pretty far, and i don't wanna be away from him. but jeff told me that if he could make it with rebecca then i could deff make it with monte. i hope so, i know it's going to be hard and i'm going to miss him like crazy but we'll work it out. i talked to him about it last night, explained to him that i really had no other choice and he was okay with everything. he told me that he'd drive up a lot to see me and that we'd be fine. the only thing i'm really scared about is that he'll find someone else that he'll be interested in while i'm at lowell, i told him about this is he assured me that there was no way that was going to happen. i guess we'll see how it works out. i also told him that if he really wanted to join the marines if he really wanted to, that i couldn't stop him from doing anything and this is what he said: "i know, but i don't wanna leave you". i don't want him to leave me either, i want us to stay this way forever. we're happy, so very very happy and everything is working out.

by the way me, monte, and laura (monte's ex) might be in the same limo together for revere prom. tell me how awkward that's going to be. i don't have an issue with her and she doesn't have an issue with me, both of us are happy in the relationships that we're in, she's freaking engaged, but i'm not gonna lie, i still get a little sensitive whenever her name comes up. i don't like when she talks to monte even though she only does when it's necessary. i'm sensitive over the fact that they had a history together, that i almost lost him to her. but that's all in the past, i should be over it, but a little part of me will always be jealous of her i guess.

i have to buy prom tickets this week! that's $65 eeeeek! this means that monte is going to meet my parents this week too! oooof >.< i'm nervous! we talked about it last night and we pretty much planned that he's gonna take out his piercing and cover up his tatoos and he's not gonna dress baggy just so he can make a good first impression. hopefully my parents will like him. he means a lot to me, and it'll be amazing if my parents like him because then i'll be able to bring him to all family gatherings (:

mkay well i'm done for the day, peace out kiddies.

quick shoutout to my big brother tony: i love you soooo much and i'm really proud of you and the person that you've become. we've come a long way since 8th grade and i'm glad that we're so close. i hope we stay this close forever. thanks for always being there for me, you can always put a smile on my face :) i appreciate everything that you've done for me. love you tony, you're deff the big brother i always wanted but never had.


xoxo,
marielle

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you

You wanna touch me too
Everyday but all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime --♥

"i'm so used to spending almost everyday with you"
"during vacation it felt like we lived together for me"
"i loved it"
"you're my everything babe"

i could die from the cuteness factor right now. i almost cried when he said that to me, it just made me so happy to know how important i really am to him. he came down to see me yesterday :D we hung out at the park with my little cousins, i thinks they like him. i also introduced him to my aunt so i'll have to talk to her about her opinion of him later when i get home. i was dealing with some drama yesterday and he just kinda held me, he let me vent, held me close, told me to breathe and calm down. then he made me smile. everytime i'm upset he always manages to get a smile outta me even if i don't want to. he asks me where my smile is and if i'll smile for him and it's so cute taht i can't help but flash him a smile. i try to hide from him but he just puts his hands on my face and stares me straight in the eyes and smiles at me. i swear my heart skips a beat when he does that. i didn't wanna leave him again either :/ saying goodbye to him makes me sad. we stood at the corner of my street holding hands and hugging for a good ten minutes before we really said goodbye. i almost refused to let go of him, i just wanna stay in his arms forever.

i had no classes today whatsoever. i kinda just chilled up in the library because fine arts has their exhibition thingy tomorrow. we watched the sophomores get judged today and watched their performances and it hit us, the seniors suck this year. the sophomores completely kicked our asses. they're just so damn talented. there's this boy named danny pinho who played geetar and it was kickass. like he was just so frikin good. then there's this girl who makes her own jewelry and this other guy that played some instrument to some songs from pirates. i just kinda sat there in awe. my exhibition sucks this year, and i'm not gonna lie i'm not proud of it at all, i didn't try at all. call it senioritis, call it slacking

oh and i might not be going to college next year! why? cus my parents are being mad difficult. my may 1st decision deadline is due in two days and i still don't know where the hell i'm going to school. my dad wanted me to go to suffolk so i was like okay whatever i'll go there but when i talked to him about getting my $500 check for my enrollment he bitched at me about tuition costs. then i heard my mom saying something about me going to umass lowell. i didn't freaking apply to umass lowell because my dad wanted me to stay close to home and refused to let me dorm. WTFFFFF. like seriously that was my plan from the start and if i'm gonnna go to UML then i'm going to fucking dorm there is NO WAY i'm going to commute my ass from everett to lowell every freaking day. fuck that. this stupid shit has got me all stressed again and i really don't need it right now.

i want summer and NC and my boyfriend, can i just have that please and thank you? that'd be fabulous if i could just have those things not.

i hate couples in school, i'm jealous of them. they get to see each other every day, get to walk each other to class, kiss and hold hands. i want that. i get lonely when i see that because i miss monte all the time. i feel like he's so far away :( oh well 23 more days til freedom then i'll be able to see him more.

he's coming to my exhibition thingy tomorrow, he's gonna come support me, i'm excited. yaay boyfriend !

"i love you monte brown, you make me sooooo happy and i'm so glad you're mine"
"i love you soooooo much too babygirl"

we're cute, be jealous.

well periods almost over, i'm outs.

xoxo,
marielle

you've got me looking forward to forever

because i can see my future in you --♥

i've realized that the month of may is going to be freaking expensive. ready?
Suffolk tuition deposit: $500 due: may1
Senior Luau ticket: $20 due: by this friday
Prom Party Bus: $60 due: by may8
Prom Tickets: $65 each; for me & the boyfriend due: may4-may8

my ass is broke. even though i have a job i'm broke. why? oh because MB doesn't like giving me hours anymore. i need to start working again. i didn't really save any money in the bank either. i spent it all on some new clothes, boots, & mostly food months and months ago. but since school is starting to wind down i'm gonna start working weekdays now. ughh may is going to suck/not suck. 24 more days in this hell hole and then i'm done forever

yesterday was the first day that me & monte didn't hang out. it felt really weird. like all throughout vacation we saw each other, the weekend before vacation we were together and then during vacation we were together and last weekend we were together so it was strange not seeing him at all yesterday. we were both starting to get used to seeing each other more often, so it sucks that it's going back to only seeing each other once/twice a week. friday always seems so far away, hopefully i'll get to see him before then. he's going to try and come down today to see me since its nice out. ohh scratch that it's FREAKING HOT outside. it's like 90 degrees out in april...can you say global warming? i can : global-freaking-warming man. i'm going to take my little ones out to the park today so they can get some sun & so i can spend time with my hubby :)

OH! monte's little sisters are super super cute and i adore them. when we went to the beach on saturday they were such sweethearts. and they like me! YAY! at first they didn't really talk to me, probably because whenever i'm over on fridays monte usually just pushes me up the stairs and we spend most of the time locked up in his room. lol. so spending the day out with them was really nice. they actually talked to me and stuff and brittney, she's 12 and oh-so-pretty, she called me her big sister :D ! AHH! i almost cried, like i'm so happy that they accept me. and when i went home both britt and brandy gave me hugs and asked me not to leave. on friday me and monte are going to bake cookies with them :) heheee i can't wait!

i'm sleepy, i want my bed.

it's only tuesday, i have my exhibition thingy majig on thursday night. not cool, i haven't even done it yet. well i haven't put my photographs on a poster board, i should do that today eh? hmmm well hopefully all goes well and hopefully monte decides to come see my exhibition.

i'm also waiting on a package my cousins sent me from NC. supposedly they sent it so i'm sitting and waiting for fedex or whatever to deliver it! i wonder what it is..knowing them it's going to be some extravagant thing like a new laptop. hahaha i love my fam in NC, i can't wait to go see them in july! whoot whoot!

so pretty much all's well in my life, i have a couple of little problems. like my best friend's girlfriend not liking me or whatever. i'm trying to be the bigger person and let it go but she needs to stop treating me like shit. don't act all sweet to my boyfriend right in front of me and act like i'm not there. please and fucking thank you.

okay well 6th periods almost over then 7th & finally outta of this hell hole!
peace kiddies; enjoy this lovely day!


xoxo,
marielle