Put up or Shut up

i'm baack

2010-02-11T18:23:00.001-08:00

sup guys?
new blog: hellokendraa.blogspot.com

change

2009-05-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

it's the only constant thing in my life.

i wanted a change. this blog is no more. i'll read updates from everyone but i won't be posting.

i've moved to tumblr:
mariellekendra.tumblr.com

look me up if you like.

peace & goodbye

xoxo,
marielle

wishful thinking, patience shrinking

2009-05-08T05:12:00.000-07:00

bliss is far away --♥

this isn't going to work if you can't trust me with how you feel. this isn't going to work if you can't tell me what's wrong, if you lie to me and tell me that nothing's wrong when there obviously is something wrong. i felt useless last night because you wouldn't let me in. you made me feel like shit, made me feel like it was my fault, like i did something wrong. i was up for hours last night just thinking. you backed me up into a corner and i felt like i was left with no other option than to break up with you. and i fought with myself last night, i don't wanna break up with you, i wanna make this work because this would be such a dumb reason to break up. you can't lash out on me whenever you're in a bad mood. i'm sitting there trying to talk to you and make you feel better and all you can give me is sarcasm and an attitude. i don't even know what to do but apologize even though i didn't do anything wrong. baby this isn't the first time you've done this to me and last night wasn't the first time i cried because you were treating me like shit.

i believe that a relationship is based on 75% trust and 25% love. i've let you in completely and i trust you, i don't trust anyone, and it took me a while to trust to you but i do and i tell you everything, i tell you when something's wrong or when something's bothering me. but you, you shut yourself off and push me away. then the next day you pretend that nothing happened and that issue gets put on the back burner. it doesn't work that way. i usually sit there and take it most times, i'll listen and try to make you feel better even though you're being rude. i'll let you cool off most times but last night, i didn't even know what was wrong. everything was fine then all of a sudden your mood changed and you aimed all that anger or stress or whatever it was, you aimed it directly towards me.

you make me cry, i let it affect me so much because you mean everything to me, because i love you and i hate that you don't trust telling me what's wrong.

i hope that one day you'll start to let me in. i understand that you're not the type of guy to talk about how you're feeling but if you don't start, this relationship just isn't going to work. it's a two way street, if you wnat me to tell you what's wrong, then you have to tell me what's wrong too. it works both ways.

and the words 'i'm sorry' and 'i love you' isn't always going to fix things and make it all better.

yes i love you but i'd appreciate it if you didn't do this anymore, there's only so much i can take.

i'll be here when you're ready to let me in and talk to me about what's bothering you.

please speak slowly, my heart is learning, teach me heartache, stop this burning now

xoxo,
marielle

suffocate

2009-05-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

Cuz I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind --♥

you know that it's not gonna be a good morning when the night before you can't get to sleep, when you toss and turn for hours and hours because those three little words weren't said, when you get only two hours of sleep and you wake up with a pounding headache. the weather outside is shitty again and my mood sucks. i feel like my head's going to explode. i tossed and turned last night because things didn't work out yesterday. i was supposed to see monte at work to give him the prom permission slip but nooo my daddy wanted me home early. FML all i wanted was to wrap myself up in his arms for a good five minutes and i couldn't even get that because my parents are dictators. i was dizzy all night and i threw up twice, ew. i hated it. and to top it all off, all that sickness made me a moody bitch to my boyfriend. i wasn't in the mood for his name-calling last night so i closed myself off and acted rude while we were on the phone. he got the gist of it and got irritated too, so our goodnight texts were shit, no 'i love you' just a simple "night".

then this morning i try to fix it. say my usual 'good morning baby' and all i get in return is 'morning' no 'morning babe' like usual just a 'morning'. that little word changes everything. so i knew he wasn't in the best of mooods. he stressed. he might have to take a shitload of biology classes just to graduate this year. he's going to be superbusy and he's gonna have to work his ass off. he doesn't wanna go to prom, is only going because of me and i feel bad. i don't wanna make him go if he doesn't want to but at the same time, i don't wanna go alone. it's supposed to be a special night, the last special night and well i wanna share that with monte. i wanna share that with my boyfriend, if he's not there it's just not gonna be the same. i don't know what's gonna happen, everything just honestly sucks right now and prom's in 2 weeks. shoot me now.

and when he's not having a good day i'm not either. we're just freaking connected in that weird way ya know? he's in a shit mood and so am i. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

some good news: me and steff decided to start talking again. i'm sick of that drama bullshit fighting. so we were texting last night and we both agreed it was time to stop ignoring each other and just start talking again. i'm glad, it hasn't been the same without her. it's gonna take a while to get back to normal, if it even ever does, but i'm gonna try to make it work. four years of being best friends shouldn't get thrown up because of a dumb fight.

i get my package today. after like ages my cousins in NC finally sent my package :) it comes in the mail today, my fingers are crossed. i'm excited to see what it is.

okay well i'm over this now, all this typing is making my head feel worse.

xoxo,
marielle

i'll be missing you

2009-05-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

will you miss me too? --♥

so i realized the other night that i have to say a lot of goodbyes at graduation. i have to say goodbye to my fine arts family: i've been with these kids for three years. do i really have to say goodbye to them??!! these kids have been my family for three years and i don't know what i'm going to do with out them next year. i will always remember english II when we all first met & barattasaurus <33. i will miss world history last year and exhibition. i'm glad the family came back this year just in time for exhibition, that night is forever imprinted in my memories.

i have to say goodbye to one of my oldest, closest best friend: Marcy. she's lived down one street from me since i can remember and i've known her since kindergarten and we've been best friends since 8th grade and she's going away to college in VIRGINIA. i'm not going to be allowed to run to her whenever i need her, there's going to be freaking states in our way now. :( she's been there for me for so long, she's was there for my roller coaster of a year this year. she sat there and held my hand, rubbed my back, let me cry, listened to all my issues and then promised me that it was all going to be okay. and now she's leaving me? ohhhh great. i'm not taking it quite well, i've already lost one best friend this year, must i really lose another?

but i guess i have some comfort because i'm going to have best friend vu there for me & my monte :) i'll be quite alright as long as they stay by my side. i talked to vu about how scared i was of all this change, how i was afraid that there was a possibility i could lose monte and he told me this: you changed from jr high to high school and you turned out fine, change is bound to happen and you just have to get used to it. i doubt that you and monte are going to grow apart, he loves you too much to let an hour keep you guys away, i mean if he walks from his house to everett to come see you he'll deff drive up to lowell to see you. and i'll always be here for you too, i'll try as best as i can to fill in for marcy" having him say that to me was sooo great. it helped me start to breathe properly again after crying for a good 20 mins. seeee, vu's comforting, he's like another big brother, except i'm older than him. and monte, well, he's been reassuring me that he's not going to go anywhere. "i don't wanna leave you" i'm the reason why he's not going into the marines, he doesn't wanna be away from me, my goodness it's nice to finally have someone who's going to stick around. someone who's not going to leave me, he's my here and now, he's my forever.

he's grounded by the way. he failed last quarter because of absences. he got yelled at, and i hate to say it but i'm a bit disappointed at him. i want him to do better, i'm trying to motivate him but i don't wanna end up sounding like i'm trying to dictate him life. he's not allowed to come to everett as much and no one is allowed over. which means that i don't get to see him. it completely ruined my week knowing that there's a huge possibility that i'm not going to be able to see him. and i miss him, it's been two days, well three today and it sucks. i miss his hugs and his kisses and i just want to be with him now now now. he were talking on the phone last night and it helped, but only a little, and i sleep in his hoodie, the scent of him calms me down and gets me to sleep. i miss you boyfriend lots and lots.

*sigh*

periods over. peace.

xoxo,
marielle

and it's likei can't feel a thing without you around

2009-05-04T05:14:00.000-07:00

meant to be together, meant for no one but each other, you love me i love you harder --♥

its been a roller coaster for the past four days. i think i'm gonna start thursday night : FA Exhibition !
all i will say is that i'm proud to be a part of this academy because everyone is so freaking talented, danny pinho is going to be a rockstar, he's quite amazing and adorable. monte didn't come to exhibition and it upset me a lot. everyone had someone there supporting them and i had no one, i felt so alone, and i broke down and started crying. he was the only one i wanted there and he didn't come. thank god for my fine arts family, they made me feel so much better by inviting me to come to the beach with them. it was a night to remember. i love you guys so much and i really don't know what i'm going to do next year without any of you. it's been an amazing three years, the best three years of my life. Fine Arts for lifeeeee (:

friday & saturday i spent with monte, of course. we chilled at his house and i play with his little sisters/cousin chris. chris is frigging adorable! he has jade green eyes and was asking me to play video games with him, i couldn't resist wanting to steal him, hahaaaa.

yesterday monte & vu picked me up from work and we walked around. it was a weird night, i talked to jeff for hours and college and my plan and stuff. it was nice being able to talk to him and being able to tell him how scared i was. my plan right now is to go to UMass Lowell and dorm there, which i really have no problem with because it's what i wanted to do in the first place BUT it would mean being an hour away from monte. lowell is pretty far, and i don't wanna be away from him. but jeff told me that if he could make it with rebecca then i could deff make it with monte. i hope so, i know it's going to be hard and i'm going to miss him like crazy but we'll work it out. i talked to him about it last night, explained to him that i really had no other choice and he was okay with everything. he told me that he'd drive up a lot to see me and that we'd be fine. the only thing i'm really scared about is that he'll find someone else that he'll be interested in while i'm at lowell, i told him about this is he assured me that there was no way that was going to happen. i guess we'll see how it works out. i also told him that if he really wanted to join the marines if he really wanted to, that i couldn't stop him from doing anything and this is what he said: "i know, but i don't wanna leave you". i don't want him to leave me either, i want us to stay this way forever. we're happy, so very very happy and everything is working out.

by the way me, monte, and laura (monte's ex) might be in the same limo together for revere prom. tell me how awkward that's going to be. i don't have an issue with her and she doesn't have an issue with me, both of us are happy in the relationships that we're in, she's freaking engaged, but i'm not gonna lie, i still get a little sensitive whenever her name comes up. i don't like when she talks to monte even though she only does when it's necessary. i'm sensitive over the fact that they had a history together, that i almost lost him to her. but that's all in the past, i should be over it, but a little part of me will always be jealous of her i guess.

i have to buy prom tickets this week! that's $65 eeeeek! this means that monte is going to meet my parents this week too! oooof >.< i'm nervous! we talked about it last night and we pretty much planned that he's gonna take out his piercing and cover up his tatoos and he's not gonna dress baggy just so he can make a good first impression. hopefully my parents will like him. he means a lot to me, and it'll be amazing if my parents like him because then i'll be able to bring him to all family gatherings (:

mkay well i'm done for the day, peace out kiddies.

quick shoutout to my big brother tony: i love you soooo much and i'm really proud of you and the person that you've become. we've come a long way since 8th grade and i'm glad that we're so close. i hope we stay this close forever. thanks for always being there for me, you can always put a smile on my face :) i appreciate everything that you've done for me. love you tony, you're deff the big brother i always wanted but never had.

xoxo,
marielle

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you

2009-04-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

You wanna touch me too
Everyday but all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime --♥

"i'm so used to spending almost everyday with you"
"during vacation it felt like we lived together for me"
"i loved it"
"you're my everything babe"

i could die from the cuteness factor right now. i almost cried when he said that to me, it just made me so happy to know how important i really am to him. he came down to see me yesterday :D we hung out at the park with my little cousins, i thinks they like him. i also introduced him to my aunt so i'll have to talk to her about her opinion of him later when i get home. i was dealing with some drama yesterday and he just kinda held me, he let me vent, held me close, told me to breathe and calm down. then he made me smile. everytime i'm upset he always manages to get a smile outta me even if i don't want to. he asks me where my smile is and if i'll smile for him and it's so cute taht i can't help but flash him a smile. i try to hide from him but he just puts his hands on my face and stares me straight in the eyes and smiles at me. i swear my heart skips a beat when he does that. i didn't wanna leave him again either :/ saying goodbye to him makes me sad. we stood at the corner of my street holding hands and hugging for a good ten minutes before we really said goodbye. i almost refused to let go of him, i just wanna stay in his arms forever.

i had no classes today whatsoever. i kinda just chilled up in the library because fine arts has their exhibition thingy tomorrow. we watched the sophomores get judged today and watched their performances and it hit us, the seniors suck this year. the sophomores completely kicked our asses. they're just so damn talented. there's this boy named danny pinho who played geetar and it was kickass. like he was just so frikin good. then there's this girl who makes her own jewelry and this other guy that played some instrument to some songs from pirates. i just kinda sat there in awe. my exhibition sucks this year, and i'm not gonna lie i'm not proud of it at all, i didn't try at all. call it senioritis, call it slacking

oh and i might not be going to college next year! why? cus my parents are being mad difficult. my may 1st decision deadline is due in two days and i still don't know where the hell i'm going to school. my dad wanted me to go to suffolk so i was like okay whatever i'll go there but when i talked to him about getting my $500 check for my enrollment he bitched at me about tuition costs. then i heard my mom saying something about me going to umass lowell. i didn't freaking apply to umass lowell because my dad wanted me to stay close to home and refused to let me dorm. WTFFFFF. like seriously that was my plan from the start and if i'm gonnna go to UML then i'm going to fucking dorm there is NO WAY i'm going to commute my ass from everett to lowell every freaking day. fuck that. this stupid shit has got me all stressed again and i really don't need it right now.

i want summer and NC and my boyfriend, can i just have that please and thank you? that'd be fabulous if i could just have those things not.

i hate couples in school, i'm jealous of them. they get to see each other every day, get to walk each other to class, kiss and hold hands. i want that. i get lonely when i see that because i miss monte all the time. i feel like he's so far away :( oh well 23 more days til freedom then i'll be able to see him more.

he's coming to my exhibition thingy tomorrow, he's gonna come support me, i'm excited. yaay boyfriend !

"i love you monte brown, you make me sooooo happy and i'm so glad you're mine"
"i love you soooooo much too babygirl"

we're cute, be jealous.

well periods almost over, i'm outs.

xoxo,
marielle

you've got me looking forward to forever

2009-04-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

because i can see my future in you --♥

i've realized that the month of may is going to be freaking expensive. ready?
Suffolk tuition deposit: $500 due: may1
Senior Luau ticket: $20 due: by this friday
Prom Party Bus: $60 due: by may8
Prom Tickets: $65 each; for me & the boyfriend due: may4-may8

my ass is broke. even though i have a job i'm broke. why? oh because MB doesn't like giving me hours anymore. i need to start working again. i didn't really save any money in the bank either. i spent it all on some new clothes, boots, & mostly food months and months ago. but since school is starting to wind down i'm gonna start working weekdays now. ughh may is going to suck/not suck. 24 more days in this hell hole and then i'm done forever

yesterday was the first day that me & monte didn't hang out. it felt really weird. like all throughout vacation we saw each other, the weekend before vacation we were together and then during vacation we were together and last weekend we were together so it was strange not seeing him at all yesterday. we were both starting to get used to seeing each other more often, so it sucks that it's going back to only seeing each other once/twice a week. friday always seems so far away, hopefully i'll get to see him before then. he's going to try and come down today to see me since its nice out. ohh scratch that it's FREAKING HOT outside. it's like 90 degrees out in april...can you say global warming? i can : global-freaking-warming man. i'm going to take my little ones out to the park today so they can get some sun & so i can spend time with my hubby :)

OH! monte's little sisters are super super cute and i adore them. when we went to the beach on saturday they were such sweethearts. and they like me! YAY! at first they didn't really talk to me, probably because whenever i'm over on fridays monte usually just pushes me up the stairs and we spend most of the time locked up in his room. lol. so spending the day out with them was really nice. they actually talked to me and stuff and brittney, she's 12 and oh-so-pretty, she called me her big sister :D ! AHH! i almost cried, like i'm so happy that they accept me. and when i went home both britt and brandy gave me hugs and asked me not to leave. on friday me and monte are going to bake cookies with them :) heheee i can't wait!

i'm sleepy, i want my bed.

it's only tuesday, i have my exhibition thingy majig on thursday night. not cool, i haven't even done it yet. well i haven't put my photographs on a poster board, i should do that today eh? hmmm well hopefully all goes well and hopefully monte decides to come see my exhibition.

i'm also waiting on a package my cousins sent me from NC. supposedly they sent it so i'm sitting and waiting for fedex or whatever to deliver it! i wonder what it is..knowing them it's going to be some extravagant thing like a new laptop. hahaha i love my fam in NC, i can't wait to go see them in july! whoot whoot!

so pretty much all's well in my life, i have a couple of little problems. like my best friend's girlfriend not liking me or whatever. i'm trying to be the bigger person and let it go but she needs to stop treating me like shit. don't act all sweet to my boyfriend right in front of me and act like i'm not there. please and fucking thank you.

okay well 6th periods almost over then 7th & finally outta of this hell hole!
peace kiddies; enjoy this lovely day!

xoxo,
marielle

I swear I won't forget you

2009-04-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Theres a burning in the hour
Going on forever
When I look at you
I find something thats new
All I want is you
Cross my heart and hope for it --♥

i'm in a bad mood, i have been since yesterday, and i can't get out of it. and no one is making it any better, i just feel like crying again. i think it's all i know how to do, it's probably what i do best. i could cry myself a small river and slowly drown it and no one would even notice i'm gone. call it stress, call it depression.

i'm stressed out over school, i don't want it anymore, i just want to graduate now. i'm sick of waking up everyday and doing the same shit. i can't take it anymore, i feel like i'm trapped and i can't breathe, i just wanna get out.

i sick of being at home, i'm trying to stay out of my house as much as possibe. i dread going home everyday, i'm sick of hearing her yell over dumb shit. i'm done, i'm done, i'm done

you know what i'm really good at? pushing people away. whenever i start feeling like this i push everyone that tries to help me away. call it fear. i don't want to let anyone in anymore, i'm tired of disappointments. i hate to say it but i've been trying to push monte away. i'm not doing it purposely, if anything, he's the only person that i want close to me now, but it's hard for me to just let him in and tell him everything that goes on in this head of mine. i've built all these walls around me, to protect me, to keep everyone out. but monte's managed to knock down all this walls and i'm exposed. i'm left with my heart on my sleeve, and i don't like this feeling of vulnerability. because that's how he makes me feel: vulnerable. it's not bad, it's just that i'm not used to this. i'm not used to feeling like this. i'm not used to this 'i want you forever' crap. only it's not crap, not at all, wanting someone like that feels nice. and he hasn't stopped amazing me. the way he cares now-a-days, i'm so grateful for it that sometimes it makes me cry. whenever i'm moody he forgives me, he sits there and takes it, holds my hand and lets me be. he tries and tries to find out what's wrong, so he can try to make me feel better, and no matter how many times i push him away, well, no matter how many times i try to push hiim away, he comes back, bangs on this closed door until i open up to him. until i finally give in and let him in, because i always end up giving in. i don't deserve him sometimes. like yesterday i was being such a dumb bitch to him when all he was trying to do was make me feel better, and i realized that i just don't deserve him sometimes. he's so good to me, he's been the only constant in my life, and being in his arms, it's just comforting. i wish i could stay in his arms forever. i feel so safe in his arms and he doesn't even have to kiss me, he could just hold me and i'd be satisfied. everything about him: from the way he looks at me, to the way that he smells, to the way he wraps him arms around my waist and pulls me close, that's all i need for everything to be okay.

things have been perfect. both of us have flaws but so far we've managed to work around them. and every single little fight/argument, it just brings us so much closer to each other. i appreciate him more after each argument. and the way that we miss each other, even though we've just seen each other hours earlier, it's crazy, i'm not supposed to miss him that much. i've never missed anyone as much as i miss him everytime we say goodbye. tis bittersweet. all i know is that i hate not seeing him for long periods of time, and i can't wait for the days when i'll be able to see him everyday.

i'm tired. i haven't gotten enough sleep, all this stress is keeping me up. i'll lie in bed for hours and the only way i can get myself is sleep is by crying. "i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired" i need a vacation, i wanna go down to NC to see my family, but i'm afraid that if i go down there i just might never come back. and i've finally found a good reason to stick around MA, i've finally found someone that cares just as much about me as i do about him, and i'm not quite ready to leave that behind. my cousin told me not to take things so seriously, that i'm young and i should explore my options. but i don't want to explore my options. i've tried exploring my options throughout high school, i just want to stick to one thing righ now. i'm happy with him, and we're taking things one step at a time. there's just no one else i want right now other than him, maybe one day we'll both get tired of each other and our forever will come to an end, but i don't want that, i want to live in the moment, and enjoy that things are perfect between us right now. if our forever ends i'll deal with it then. but as of now, i'm sticking to this 'wanting him for forever' business.

him: awww babe i love you
me: i love you too
him: so much
me: awww baby i love you lots and lots forever
him: yes babe forever and ever

that's how it is between us, it's sickening i know, but nevertheless cute.

maybe my mood will change today, i hope it does, i don't wanna feel like this anymore, and i wanna stop being a bitch to everyone.

xoxo,
marielle

my life would suck without you

2009-04-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

i know that i've got issues
but you're pretty messed up too,
either way i found out i'm nothing without you.. --♥

i got to see my boo last night :) hahaaa eww why did i just call him that?! sometimes he makes me forget how to breathe, especially when he kisses me and he doesn't stop. he does this thing where he wraps me up in his arms and pulls me closer and closer until there's no space in between us, it's quite nicee. we were supposed to sign up for the gym yesterday but we didn't end up doing that. we just chilled and watched 'See No Evil' it was disgusting. i kept hiding my face because i couldn't take all the goriness. he kept bothering me too, he just stares, he knows i hate it, that it makes me nervous but he still did it. ughh i wanted to slap him yesterday, he kept staring and smiling and laughing at me because it made me uncomfortable. what a jerk :)

today is BLAAH. i still haven't done my exhibition for my fine arts project. why? oh probably because i'm sick of english this year, mullethead ruined it for me. i don't want it anymore, take it away. i'll do it, i've just been procrastinating on it.

i want to go home or go see monte again and cuddle up in his arms and never get up. today just sucks.
i'm done g'bye!

xoxo,
marielle

emotions taking over

2009-04-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

Something's controlling me
I know this can’t be love
But baby it must be love --♥

i had a pretty fabulous weekend, i got to see my boyfriend friday, saturday, sunday, and monday! :D
i wish it was like that all the time, it's just nice to spend time with him, even if it's just us sitting and cuddling, it's enough for me.

i went to go see him at his casa sunday with ruby & jenn, it was quite an adventure. we stood outside for a bit and talked about the swamp and how if monte ever pissed me off i could just kick him in the swamp. LOL of course i'd never do that though. then we went inside and checked out the kittens that monte's cat had. they were freaking adorable, we wanted to steal oneeee! they were tiny and cute and ugghh i wanted one so bad! after staring and "awwwing" for about ten minutes we went downstairs and checked out the bird. ruby & jenn were quite fascinated. then monte's mommy fed them homemade cheesecake, it was "BOMB". they were making fun of me and monte because we were cuddling and calling each other jerks :) heheee we always call each other names. they left after a while but i stayed so i could spend some more time with him. we just sat there and talked and cuddled. his mommy walked into the room and his arms were wrapped around my waist and we were holding hands, i found it cute that he didn't pull away. his mommmy still makes me nervous sometimes. OH! then she made me eat! she made me feel bad and forced me to eat but it's okay because her cooking is amazing! she even made me take food home, twas amazing.

he kept staring at me, for no reason at all. while we were cuddling on his couch, while i was eating, the ride home, he just kept staring and smiling at me. then when they dropped me off home while we were hugging goodbye he said 'i love you' to me, which he never does in front of his mommy, he said it so quietly, so suddenly that i thought fer sure i was hearing things so i didn't say it back. but when i got upstairs i finally realized that he really did say it, it took me by surprise. he's getting quite good at showing affection to me around others. and i asked him why he kept staring and he said it was nothing.

me: it makes me nervous when you stare
him: why?
me: i dunnoo, cus i don't know what you're staring..
him: it's cuz ur beautiful babe

:] hehee, he's a cutieee.

today he's making me sign up for the gym with him. he basically suckered me into doing it. he kept saying how he'd help me work out and how he'd motivate me and how it would mean spending more time together. hook, line, sinker. of course i'm not going to pass up an opportunity to spend more time with him so i'm gonna do it & it'll also mean i'll be able to get more fit for summer, my tummy's getting a bit big, i must tone that down a bit!

ohhh and we talked about trust last night. i finally realized that i fully trust him now, and i told him. it took me a while, it takes me a while to trust anyone, i don't trust actually. my trusting abilities got fucked up a long time ago, and i explained this to monte. i told him that he's the first person in a long time that i've fully trusted. and he told me it meant a lot to him to hear me say that. i'm glad, because he means a lot to me.

i'm soaking up every bit of happiness this week. i'm gonna try to spend as much time with him as possible because i won't be able to see him this weekend, he's going to visit his cousin in NH. we might not even be able to spend friday night together :( he has to work because he's not working saturday and sunday. this depressed me quite a bit when he told me last night. friday nights are our nights, our alone time, our time to just be together so i always look forward to them. he told me he'd try to get outta of work, i hope he does, i know it's selfish but i can't help ittttt. i like spending time with him, always. and i know i'll miss him a lot this weekend, even if he'll be back by sunday, i don't want him to go..*sigh* but of course i want him to go see his cousin, i know he misses her. but vacation starts next week, well this friday, so i'll be able to see him all next week. yaaay.

omigosh! i just remembered that our 2 month anniversary is next monday..ooof! two months already?!! that can't be, another month flew by so fast. it just gets better and better between us.

its sunny out :) i love the sun & it's supposed to be warm out too! i'm excited for today.
i love seeing my boyfriend five days in a row! <33

toodles everyone

xoxo,
marielle

meet the boy that puts a smile on my face (:

2009-04-12T07:57:00.001-07:00

this is my boyfraaand & i love him lots

all these things

2009-04-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

they can make you & break you but you keep pushing on, take my hand, i'll never let go.. --♥

so tomorrow's my birthday thingy majig at the HardRock in boston, it should be fun so i'm really excited. i just want tomorrow to come, right now, because i woke up in a mood today that i can't quite describe. it's going to be one of those days where i just don't have the patience for joking around and sarcasm. i don't know why i woke up like this, i feel like i'm upset or annoyed by something and i just can't seem to put my finger on it.

i got to see monte yesterday, it was nice. i skipped out on peer tutoring because i was sick of sitting on my ass and wasting my time when no one even asks for help. so i decided to hang out with vu, we chilled at his house and he decided to call boyfraand and make him walk to everett, which of course he did. i had to leave though once he arrived so i only got to spend a little time with him. may i be allowed to say that i love when he wraps me in his arms? oh because i do, so very very very much. he makes me feel so safe, and when he hugs me it always feels like he's never going to let go. and i love when he drapes his arm around my shoulder when we walk and he laces his fingers through mine, i wanna stay that close to him always. later on that night he texted me before work to say 'i love you' and then didn't text me until almost twelve. i was quite peeved. i was up waiting for him to text me after work and he never did. i guess he was on the phone with a friend talking about some issues that his friend was having. i told him it was fine but he kept saying it wasn't, that he was sorry for "leaving me hanging". *sigh* sometimes i dunno what to say to him, he's hard on himself when he knows he's upset me. and i know it shouldn't fix everything, that those three little words can't always fix everything, but when he says them to me i melt and give in because there's so much meaning behind those words, they mean so much to me, and hearing someone actually say them to me, having someone actually mean them, well, it's quite fantastic.

monte: babeee
me: hmmm?
monte: i love you
me: i know
me: i love you too
monte: forevers
me: and ever.

i don't think i believe in wanting someone for forever, at least not until now. ever since he came into my life again and stole my heart, as cheesy as it sounds, i want monte forever. i don't want anyone else, just him, always him, forever forever forever. sounds nice doesn't it?

i've decided to dye my hurr, i want it a lighter brown, not too light of course, just to mix things up a bit. hopefully i'll do it this weekend.

xoxo,
marielle

I want you to feel what i feel

2009-04-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

when you smother me in all this love and hate --♥

honestly, why did you even bother? you've been avoiding me for a week now, why did you even bother to text me to say 'happy birthday'? there was no point because to me it meant nothing. you were my best friend, we were best friends for so long and you didn't even bother to greet me personally though you saw me several times yesterday. like are you serious? you can't be mature for two seconds, swallow your pride and stubborness and just wish me a fucking happy birthday? W-O-W. i guess that i just don't mean shit to you, psssh, as if i ever did.

you turned something so little, so fucking little, and made it into this huge deal. i am not required to tell you and include you in all of my plans. i have other friends that i like hanging out with, other friends whom you don't talk to or even associate yourself with. so why should i invite you to come hang out with me and my friends when all you're going to do is isolate yourself and not talk to any of us? there's no freaking point of doing that because all it does is wastes your time and mine.

it was your decision to avoid me, your decision not to talk to me. i'm not going to go out of my way to try to talk to you or try to fix things with you. why? because i don't have a problem with you but you have a problem with me and you chose to avoid me, to not talk to me, to run away from me when you see me in the halls. what the fuck would you like me to do? honestly, i'm not going to go strain myself if you don't want anything to do with me because it's fine.

every other fight we've gotten into i've apologized even though you fucked up. i fixed things cus i hate fighting. but i'm done, i'm done done done. if you want to fix things with me, that's fine, go ahead, take your time. but if you wanna keep avoiding me, if you wanna keep not talking to me, and throw away a 4 year friendship then that's fine too, be my fucking guest.

i expected a personal greeting from you seeing how close we used to be but you really just couldn't bite down your pride and say it to my face, that's why i'm so pissed off. then you have the nerve to go and cry about it and say that i'm being a jerk. well i'm sorry i'm being an asshole but you started this. just freaking get over shit won't you?

go back to avoiding me and not talking to me, you were doing freaking fantastic, you're pretty damn good at it so keep on going. i don't fucking care anymore.

why hello, i'm legal today

2009-04-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to me & brandy--♥

it's quite cool, i can go clubbing now, buy ciggs which i would never do, go get my license which i'm too lazy to do, go get my id which i'll do soon, get a tatoo which i'm going to do :) , and do other stuff, being 18 is pretty snazy!

so birthday greetings started @ 12am this morning:

vu: phone, he was the first one!
brandy: text, she shares this day with me :D
monte: text @12 and this morning @7
cousin jeff: phone, he sang the birthday song to me
ruby: 1am via text
abby: text, and she's texting me every hour today
sammy pino: text
cousin brian: text
marcy: in person, on our way to school
tony: shouted it across the rink parking lot when he saw me, and again in homeroom
mike: in person in homeroom
lauren: in person in homeroom
julian: in person, he got me gummmy worms! :)
yuri: homeroom
brianna: homeroom
ryaan: homeroom
livi: first period "tutoring"
cousin michelle: via text
jess chaves: via facebook
cristina: via facebook
phil: via facebook!
mommy lisa: yesterday on facebook :D

annd that's it so far! i'm just excited for the birthday dinner this friday! it should be tons of fun. my cousins are going and my friends are going! yaaay! there's so much i wanna do now that i'm the big one eight, like i really wanna get my heart tatoo on my right hand (the skin in between my index and thumb, i wanna get that reaaaal soon. and i also want to go get my ID, just so i have a real one. and i'm supposed to go clubbing real soon with my brandy :) ! ! ! we just wanna go out dancing! i'll probably drag the boyfriend with me, just for kicks. woooo everything's going well lately. today is kinda crap though, it's gonna rain, no, it's going to DOWN-FREAKIGN-POUR. wonderful..not. hopefully the rest of the day turns out good, my morning has kinda sucked.

xoxo,
marielle

addicted

2009-04-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

you're my addiction --♥

it's been crazy lately, i haven't been in the mood to blog, all's well i've been very happy and such (:
it was MCAS week so we've been going into school around 11ish for the past three days, we go back to a regular schedule tomorrow so BOO! i've been a busy bee planning my birthday dinner. it's going to be at the HardRock Cafe in Boston hopefully if i can make a reservation. i've invited quite a number of people, the original plan was to invite my cousins and close friends but then i realized that i'm close to a lot of people and that i wanted all of them to come celebrate with me! a lot of people that i want going aren't gonna be able to make it so i'm a bit sad but it's gonna be a great night either way.

i had quite a scare last night with the boy, i thoughts he was gonna leave me. he got into this fight with his mommy before he went to work and he didn't wanna go home that night, so i told him he could stay with me, just for the night, ssshh don't tell anyone, lol. but i just wanted to make sure he had a place to stay. then he texted me again a bit laters and told me that his uncle from NH drove all the way to talk to him because his mom asked him to i guess. his uncle told monte that he could come live with him up in NH if he wanted, that he'd make room for him. once he told me this i freaked out, my heart started beating really fast and i thought i was going to hyperventilate. i didn't want this to happen, monte makes me so happy, like it's ridiculous how crazy in love i am with this boy, but i've never felt so happy, never felt so safe and adored and loved. he's been my everything lately, the only person i run to for comfort, he's my stability, my rock, he makes me feel like everything will be okay, and he makes everything okay. i'm not ready to lose all that. i asked him if he was going to go and he told me it would mean having to start his life all over again. and it made me cry because the way he was talking, it seemed like he was actually going to leave. so here's how the convo went:

me: don't go, i don't want you to go, don't leave me, please.
monte: babe i ain't going
me: promise? you made me cry you jerk.
monte: awww i'm sorry, i promise.
me: ok good, i really though you were gonna leave me.
monte: no babe
monte: i'd miss you too much

awww :) this took forever since he was at work, it was taking him forever and a day to text me back, hence the freaking out and crying.
but my friend marc talked me through all this and made me feel better, he was telling me how me and monte went through so much to finally be together and that monte wasn't going to just throw all that away. he told me that monte loved me and that he knew i loved him, so he would never leave me like that. and he was right. it's funny that i can talk to marc about all of this because last year, well dec of 07 i liked marc. and it didn't end too well, we stopped talking for a while because i hated him for leading me on and being an asshole to me. but i learned to forgive and forget and i'm glad i did because marc's really comforting, he's just easy to talk to. funny because he said the same thing about me: "you just understand a lot about a lot, lol." it's nice to have good friends :D

speaking of friends, me and my supposed "best friend" aren't talking right now, she's avoiding me because of stupid shit. and honestly i don't care, i'm over it, like i don't wanna fight anymore, she can avoid me all she wants but i'm not gonna go out of my way to try and get her to talk to me. she can make that decision on her own and if she chooses not to, then so be it.

my birthday is in four days! i'm be 18, a legal adult! i can go clubbing! hahaa me and my friend brandy have the same birthday and we were talking about going clubbing together, it's going to be tons of fun, i love my bran bran <33

alright well since i'll be back on regual schedule in school tomorrow i'll probably post again.
til then

xoxo,
marielle

this is the way things should be

2009-03-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

me and you wrapped up together, the epitome of perfect, and it still amazes me how you manage to take my breath away --♥

so i wrote a new poem & i love it so i'm gonna put it on here and ya'll should give me feedback kay? okaay here goes..

Infinite Bliss

thump thump
my heart is pounding as you come closer
i can't think straight with all this noise
inside my head.
your kisses trail down my skin
from my lips to my neck,
further further into the unknown.
your fingertips tracing circles
across my stomach
your other hand on the small of my back
bringing me closer and closer into you
i cling onto your neck
breathing in your vanilla scent
let's stay this way forever.
fabric falls,
nothing stands in our way
i stare into your eyes
and know that this is it
all innocence will be lost tonight
you and me
together
as one.
this feeling, it's strong enough
to bring me down to my knees
and i'll give in and fall into this infinite bliss.

xoxo,
marielle

truly, madly, deeply

2009-03-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish,I'll be your fantasy,I'll be your hope,I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do --♥

it's friday morning, and my it's been a long week. you know i really don't understand why sometimes i get these crazy mood swings. sometimes i can be really happy, then i get really stressed and worried and angry and sad all at the same time. all of these moods occur during the beginning of the week but by the end of the week things calm down and i'm perfectly alright. yesterday was good, i got to talk to monte all day, which was good cus we didn't talk as much this week. he's been feeling like crap so he doesn't talk to me as much when he feels sick. he's stubborn, everytime i tell him to go to bed because i know he's tired he says no and then when i ask him why he just tells me he misses me and wants to talk to me more. and i'm selfish because instead of telling him to go to bed i let it go and talk to him some more, truth is i miss him lots too, always. it sucks waiting one week just to see him because the days go back so very slowly, it's always like that when you're waiting for something, time just seems to go by even slower.

but it's okay because i get to see him today :D

so i have this friend who's completely stressed out, she exhausts herself, and now she's sick. she freaks out over tiny things and always finds a way to make the situation more difficult. sometimes i just wanna smack her for being like this. she's one of my best friends and i just want her to sit and take a breather! she's been stressing about college because she didn't get into her top three schools and the school that she's thinking of going is in Virginia, which would mean she'd have to leave her life behind here. her life consists of her friends and parents, and she's scared to leave all that behind. wanna know something? i'm more scared for her. because when she stresses and freaks out she has a breakdown, i've seen it happen, and i worry about her. if she goes down to Virginia and ends up having a breakdown who'll be there to hold her hand and let her cry and tell her that everything will be okay? she's shy so i don't think she'll make friends quickly. she'll be alone. i don't want that for her. i want her here, safe, surrounded by her friends who care about her so much. *sigh* she worries me so, every one else is staying close to home, well not that close but most are staying in the state. and truth is i don't know what i'll do without her around either. she lives one street away from me, when my grandmother died last june she ran to my house and comforted me, held me while i was a wreck, and she's been there with me through everything. she's always been there. she's comforting, one of the nicest people i've ever met, and she's gonna leave me?..i don't think i'll handle that too well.

i get really attached to people, i run to all my close friends for comfort, i'm terrified of being alone. it scares me to say that word, alone, i don't ever want that. i don't wanna lose a lot of people in my life: my bestfriends, my close friends, & monte. my life revolves around them. they're the reason why i made it this year, without them i'd be nothing, i would've succumb to nothingness. i guess that's why i'm so afraid for college when everyone will probably go their own separate ways. i don't even wanna think of all this yet, i just wanna enjoy these last two months of high school then enjoy summer.

10 MORE DAYS TIL I'M LEGAL
i just want to do dinner with my cousins, friends, and boyfriend.
nothing big, just a little fun get-together.
my my time is flying by (:

happy friday, have a wonderful weekend.

xoxo,
marielle

come what may

2009-03-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time --♥

so i have that song from moulin rouge stuck in my head :D
i woke up in a fabulous mood today, why? well everything is going right now. after my world kept turning upside down, it's finally right side up again and i can finally breathe. it's really quite nice to just be able to be okay because i am now, i really am.

i talked to this girl that i used to find a threat last night. i'm gonna call her jill okay? well jill and i had a nice long chat yesterday and i was able to be completely honest with her. i told her how i saw her as a threat and i got to ask her all the questions that were inside my head and i got honest answers from her. she doesn't hate me, she never hated me, it was all inside my head. she's a really nice and sweet girl and she's supportive of my relationship with monte because she's happy. she has someone and she's happily in love with him and vice versa. i learned a lot of things from her, a lot of things that made me realize how much monte truly does love me and how much i truly love him. everything she told me made me love him even more, if that's even possible :) we're going to meet up, have something to eat, and chat some more, probably in the near future, like saturday or something. i'm quite excited to meet her, i can't believe i hated her. i had no reason to, i'm too quick to judge, that's something i need to fix.

i've also finally calmed my nerves, i talked to monte yesterday and told him how i was worried about him. i cried, i was sitting in the school library, and instead of tutoring kiddies like i was supposed to be doing, i was sitting and crying for a good ten minutes because i was so upset. i hadn't talked to him all day and i just missed him. i was worried and i didn't like how he took his crappy mood out on me. but last night we talked for a bit, i wanted him to get to sleep early so he could get better and when we were saying goodnight he said this:

i love you soooo damn much and i'm sorry that we haven't been talking a lot lately

i smiled because i knew it was true, because now i'm not so surprised anymore when he says that to me, i can believe him fully, because i'm finally at peace, no more doubts, no more insecurities. now i have more time to love him and just enjoy my relationship with him. yaay!

tomorrow's friday, thank god, i've been waiting for this week to be over. i can't wait for this weekend, i have so much to do, so many people to hang out with and i love it. i get to see my boyfraaand tomorrow then hang out with friends on saturday and most likely work on sunday. this weekend should be great.

11 more days til i'm legal

xoxo,
marielle

i worry too much

2009-03-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

because you don't worry at all --♥

*sigh* you're so damn stubborn. i don't know what to do with you. you know that you've already been to the hospital once last year because you were so dehydrated yet you still wear yourself you. you know that you're getting sick but you still push yourself, you still tire yourself out. you refuse to wear a jacket when its cold out therefore you get even sicker, you refuse to listen to me when i ask you to rest and drink honey lemon and tea so that you're throat will feel better.

i get so worried about you because you don't worry enough. i don't want you to end up in the hospital again. but i wanna be able to take care of you but how am i supposed to do that if you won't listen to me? hey crazy stubborn boy, i love you, shape up and try to take better care of yourself, i don't need you dying on me.

i'm sorry that you felt like shit last night, but i was trying to talk to you, trying to make you feel better but you just got so irritated again. i didn't like it, it made me feel like shit. when you're off and not feeling well i feel that way too, and i'm not mad at you for treating me like shit last night just because you didn't feel good. i'm just worried about you.

i miss you.

ups & downs

2009-03-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

and i can't control how i feel, no i just don't know how to feel, and i'll waste away and get lost in myself --♥

today's one of those days where i feel like nothing, like i mean absolutely nothing and no one can change my mind otherwise.

i got into my dream school, Emerson but my daddy refuses to let me go there cus "we can't afford it" ..it sucks, the one school that's perfect for my major but no, i can't freaking go there cus it costs like $42,000 a year. fuck college tuition. i hate that it costs so damn much.

i'm ready for high school to be over, i want summer please and thank you. i miss everyone i feel like i don't hang out with my friends enough, like lately all everyone worries about is after school activities and research papers and work and scholarship forms and college forms and financial aid forms and i'm sick of it. i want everyone to just chill and breathe for like two seconds. i'm worried that everyone is going to drift away from each other and i don't want that. i love my friends, they're my second family, they're the reason why i survived high school. i don't wanna let them go. i'm worried enough as it is but what happens when summer comes and goes and everyone goes their separate ways. i'll miss you guys soo much.

and i'm worried about monte, how is next year gonna affect our relationship? he doesn't even know what he wants to do. what if he decides to go to that college in NH? everyone keeps telling me it'll make our relationship stronger, that we'll be fine, that we'll get through anything and everything because we're good together but i'm still worried. sometimes he's the only person that holds me up, the tiniest things he says to me puts a smile on my face even when no one else can. there's no one else i'd hate to miss as much as i hate missing you and i miss him all the damn time. last night i was telling him how i got jelous when he went to that party saturday and he told me that it was okay that there was no need for me to get jelous, but i can't help myself sometimes, i've never been the jelous type, it's only with him that i'm like this. i'm moody and indecisive and i get jelous because of him!!

i don't know what i'm going to do with myself.

oh and prom? nope haven't even found a dress yet. did i mention that i'm going to two proms? yes, i'm going to monte's prom and my prom. AND oh it gets better, monte's prom is the day before my prom...wonderful, i'm going to be tired and looked like utter crap. but oh well, i don't want him to go alone, and i want him to take me to his prom, i want both our proms to be special :)

i think i've decided to introduce monte to my daddy around my birthday which is in 14 days. amazing i turn eighteen in fourteen days, i love it.

its sunny but freezing outside today, oh and we had a lovely little firedrill this morning, i'm wearing a thin white tee and my comfy thin cardigan...i almost froze. 28 freaking degrees out in the middle of march. listen mother nature, can we have some warm weather now? please i beg of thee i want some warm weather.

okay i'm done, toodles!

xoxo,
marielle

always

2009-03-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
always
Kiss you taste you all night
always --♥

friday-- sammy drove me to monte's house, apprantly i made her make "illegal moves" XP lo siento mi amor, i know nothing about driving, all i wanted was to see my boyfriend for our one month! she also can't go around rotaries..we almost died. but we made it and i got to hang out with the boyfriend. he looked very very sicky when i came in :/ he was sprawled out on his couch watching king kong but he felt better as the night went on. he made me watch "get rich or die trying" ...like are you serious..are you really gonna make me watch this movie...lol it was so awkward. but oh well i watch whatever he puts on cus i refuse to pick a movie to watch, i hate picking, i'm stubborn like that. he was quite sweet the whole night, he likes holding my hand for some reason, it puts a smile on my face. when his mommy was dropping me off she kept asking me questions, which surprised me because she never asks me questions, the only time we talk is when i'm saying 'goodbye' 'thank you' and 'goodnight'. she asked me if monte had asked me what color i wanna wear to prom and if i was graduating this year and if i was going to college next year and what i was going to do and if i was picking any local colleges. i guess she notices how me and monte are quite smitten by each other therefore she'd like to know more about me :)

saturday-- i hung out with my big brother tony! mommy lisa asked me to keep an eye on him since she's vacationing in florida for a week. so i went over his casa and we decided to go out, have an adventure. we ended up eating lunch at chrisilla's on broadway then decided to call ross because he's the only one we knew that had a car and that would be willing to drive us around. then we waited for julian drove around the old high school and tony spots cotten candy, jumps outta the car, and goes to buy some. *sigh* only tony. after we ended up going to the mall where i bought some kickass sunglasses. i'm obsessed with buying sunglasses i love my new ones, they're lovely! i'll post pictures when i can actually wear them. after all this adventuring at the mall which i should also upload the video of, me julian and marcy went to steffy's since i promised her i would chill with her. there was a surprise baby shower at her house, mad spanish food. so damn good, i love steffy, she always feeds me :D !

sunday--i worked! from 3-7:30 it was soooooo slow, but i got a surprise visit from monte. him and vu popped outta no where ! i didn't even notice them at first, not until monte came close to my register and said hello. he looked super cute, i want to kiss him a thousand times but my manager was standing behind them and staring me down so i couldn't >.< i was so upset. i miss monte already, like i only got to hang out with him on friday, only once, which is never enough for me. i love my boyfriend though, he always puts a smile on my face. i couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night, it was a very nice surprise.

this leads me to today, monday, it's been an interesting monday, a tad bit boring but mondays always are. boyfriend sent me a wonderful text that legit made me LOL

babee: if you were a drum i'd bang you 24/7 lmao
me: ..i don't even know how to respond to that
babee: lmaooo
me: well baby thank you, i guesss lol

silly boy. i'm in dire need of an energy drink, i'm super dead today and thanks to tony, i've become quite obsessed with monster. its not good for me, but they're sooooo good. okay well i'm done, i'll post those pictures and that video when i have time.

peaceee kiddies!

xoxo,
marielle

if you're lost

2009-03-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

you can look and you will find me, time after time --♥

so its friday, thank god, i've had such a crap week, it consisted of so much crying and arguing and depression. i don't think i've been at that low for a while, i guess saturday just really broke me down. but i'm quite okay now, thank god for my friends and boyfriend. i've decided to stand by him and trust him despite what everyone is telling me. i don't think he'd lie to me, not after the hell we went through for three months, i trust everything he says to because i trust that he loves me. get off my case, i don't value your opinion.

yesterday affected me so much, i wasn't close to joey, didn't even really know him, but seeing so many other people affected by his death shocked me and i remembered losing grandmother last summer, i broke down when i got home. but after a good cry i felt better, monte wasn't really talking to me all that much yesterday and that upset me too but i guess it was because he didn't feel too good but a bit later it got better and he was back to his old self. i took a nap yesterday then went out and watched the sunset, it was beautiful, it reminded how things always get better.

monte made my night :) he sent me a picture that made me giggle and i sent one back to him and i guess he put it on his background on his phone. teehee, my boyfriend's a gooof!

he didn't go to school today since he's still not feeling well, but he woke up early this morning and texted me and he was the first one to say "happy anniversary" ! yesss today is our one month, it went by preeetty fast, my friend said : "that's how it is when you're in love" hopefully i'll be able to see him today, it'll be very nice if i do, it's only been a week but i feel like i haven't seen him in forever, probably cus this week was hell.

it's also the first day of sprind, ehhh it's alright outside, it sunny but still a bit chilly. i can't wait for real warm spring weather! 17 more days til i'm legal! yaaaay!! i'm excited to do something with all my friends and cousins, hopefully plans work out.

well i hope everyone has a good weekend
toodles!

happy one month baby, thank you for sticking around and never ceasing to amaze me, i love you forever and ever times infinity, 2.20.09 ♥

xoxo,
marielle

take me into your arms tonight

2009-03-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

and rock me to sleep --♥

today we watched the processional of this kid who graduated last year. he died this week and the funeral was today. i've never seen so many kids get really emotional. this hit, loss hit so close to home sorta speak. i used to see this kid walk around the halls last year and it's so crazy that he's gone. the processional was so long, so many cars, and i reconized most of the kids that graduated last year in those cars. i saw tough guys that i never thought i would see crying simply bawling their eyes out. i was shocked. and i heard that this kid's girlfriend is really upset about his death. i guess they fought before he died and she got put in the hospital because of anxiety and refusal to eat. i can only imagine the hell that she's going through. my deepest sympathies go out to joey's friends and family.

RIP Joey, you'll deff be missed.

it's been a really rough week, i'm glad that tomorrow's friday. monte and i fixed things yesterday, of course things are better, i miss him a lot so i can't wait to see him tomorrow.

jelousy is an ugly thing, people should really learn to grow up what you're doing or trying to do is really unflattering, act your age, like honestly get over it, it's in the past, sure what he did wasn't right but it's your fault that you lost him too. don't take your anger out on me, and if you're gonna try to harass me, at least do it yourself, don't send your friends to do your dirty work for you.

take deep breaths, close your eyes and count to ten, and just live. live to love and love to live. appreciate everything and everyone that you have because in a split second all of that could be taken away from you.

it'll all be okay, this storm will pass.

xoxo,
marielle

another storm

2009-03-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

i'm afraid that i'm slowing pushing you away and i'm drowning in my tears --♥

trust. for a five letter word it means a whole damn lot. i want to trust. i want to learn how again. i want to trust you but once upon a time i fell for a stupid boy that completely tore me open and stripped my ability to trust away. everyone i trust disappoints me, that's why i have such a hard time trusting people. i understand that there is bound to be someone that disappoints you but i'm a very damaged little girl. and i have a lot of people to thank for that. i do trust you but i'm scared. i'm scared because i'm not used to this stable relationships, i'm used to fighting all the time, making up, and then fighting again. but with us, there's hardly any fighting. we get into these little tiffs and i freak out. because i'm scared to push you away when all i want is to have you close. i know that you would never do anything to hurt me because of what happened the first time we ever started talking, and we went through three months of hell to finally be together, and for one month we've been the epitome of perfection.

but when we get into these stupid little tiffs that i create, i don't know what to do, don't know what to think. i can apologize over and over again to you for being so sensitive and it still doesn't make me feel any better, not until i'm wrapped in your arms and you're telling me taht everything is gonna be okay.

but will everything be okay? i'm hoping they will. i can't bear to lose you, i run to you for comfort, who do i run to if i lose you? you always tell me that i'm not going to lose you that you're not gonna go anywhere, but i'm still afraid. maybe this week just isn't good because of what happened saturday night. i guess i've been quite an emotional wreck because of that. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

i do love you and i know how much you love me, i can see that just by that way you look at me, the way you get so worried about me, the way you kiss me, the way you hold me, every little thing that you do when we're together assures me that you care.

i know that this storm will pass, and we'll get better, it'll make our relationship stronger. but as of now i'm in my weakest state, i've hit rock bottom. i'm physically and emotionally drained. and i want to just disappear, run away forever.

everyone keeps telling me that it'll all turn out fine, and i hope that they're right. i hope that it'll all be okay.

i miss you quite terribly there's no where else i'd rather be than here in your arms..

i love you monte brown, yesterday, today, tomorrow, always and forever.

i really should stop being a moody bitch

2009-03-17T08:01:00.001-07:00

but it's just sometimes you irk me --♥

and it's only with you that i get so damn moody. sometimes the littlest things you do annoy me. like the way you can't multi-task. you can't carry a conversation with me when you're watching a movie, or playing with your damn xbox. it irks me, i hardly see you, of course i want to fucking talk to you. i see you once a fucking week. it's not enough for me. sure we talk from the time we wake up to the time we go to bed but texting doesn't suffice. i'm spoiled, i've always been spoiled by all my other boyfriends. i like being called even if it's to say 'goodnight, i love you' that would be quite nice. but no sometimes you don't even wanna call me because you're too damn tired. and you say you get annoyed when i say 'mhmmm' well i get fucking annoyed with your one-two word responses to my texts. can you at least fucking try to talk to me? try to start a conversation with me. hell it can be about anything!! just fucking try. please

and i hate fighting/arguing with you. i get so damn annoyed about small things, and i piss myself off because i don't like that i get so bitchy with you. but i can't help myself. i'm such a terrible girlfriend for being this way and i try so hard not to be this way but i honestly don't know why i'm like this.

and now i'm crying, bawling my eyes out because i pick dumb fights with you and all i want is to apologize and fix things. i get so scared to lose you and i don't know how you put up with me, and you're probably the best thing that's happened to me all year. i'm the happiest i've ever been when i'm with you. and when you wrap me up in your arms it makes everything better. and i'm so in love with you that it scares me to death, i can barely breathe. what happens when i go away to college next year? what happens to us? i can't even do a week without seeing you, what happens if we won't be able to see each other for weeks? i'll fall apart. i miss you all the time and i hate saying goodbye to you. i don't want us to fall apart. i don't wanna lose you and i'm afraid that i'm pushing you away by being like this.

i don't know why its so hard for me to be in a stable relationship. i don't understand why i pick such dumb fights with you. i hate being like this. i'm sorry.

i love you so much, and i know that i shouldn't be picking a fight with you three days before our one month anniversary. i'm trying, i really am, i promise i'll get better at this.

all time low

2009-03-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

this is my breaking point, you've officialy broken me. i hope you're quite pleased with yourself. --♥

i'm physically and emotionally worn out. this was the final straw. i've been trying so hard to deal with things but they just don't get any better. what have i done? what have i done that's so wrong, that's so terribe to make you hate me so much? i've tried my hardest to please you but it was never enough. it's always never enough. but now, i've had enough. i'm done with trying to please you. i've broken down. and i've never been so broken in my life. everything inside has cracked open and i'm bleeding. i've kept so much anger, so much pain inside for so long and i've finally just cracked open. i've never ever said 'i hate you' to anyone before and actually meant it. but this time, i assure you, i mean this when i say it: I HATE YOU. it should've NEVER come to this. but it did and now i'm through.

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.
i've never hated someone so much in my life. i will never forget this, i will never forgive you, things will never go back to the way they were before. there's no going back.

i hope you're quite satisfied with what you've done. i hope you're happy.

this is me, all grown up

2009-03-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

i'm college bound! i finally heard back from one of my schools! I GOT INTO SUFFOLK!!! AND! they're giving me a $5000 scholarship for each year if i decide to go there! tell me how kickass that is?! like i almost cried when i opened up the Suffolk envelope i got in the mail yesterday. so i'm not a failure like my mommy thinks i am, by the way i didn't bother on telling her cus she doesn't give a damn about my future anyways soo why should i share my good news with her? i was so excited to tell my daddy :] he was very proud of me but he looked so sad, like it's finally hitting him that his little girl is all grown up and going away to college next year. i dunno what i'm gonna do without my daddy next year, i go to him for everything. i'm a complete daddy's girl and if he doesn't approve of what i do i get sad. gahh but i mean i'm going to college next year, how insane is that?!! i'm really happy, my week has been crap and yesterday this letter turned it all around. my cousins are all really proud of me too :)

today's friday! i get to see my boyfraaand today! OH! and next week is our one month, hehee i didn't think he'd wanna celebrate but we were talking about it last night and he was like "babee we should do something special" awwww so of course i said okay :) maybe dinner, that'd be quite nice. i love monte, he's sooo good to be, he makes me very happy and one month flew by, i know we'll be together for a long time.

so now all i'm waiting for is three more letters and i'll make my decision on what college i'll go to. yaaay i'm excited for everything to happen. OH! and i turn 18 next month?!! whaaat is that!! crazy crazy crazy, so much to look forward to, it's great.

happy friday!

xoxo,
marielle

beautiful love

2009-03-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

The secret of the world is written in the stars
I'm carrying your heart in mine --♥

cute little thing occurred last night, i was talking to monte and it was 11:11 and we used to have this thing where we would tell each other to make a wish, but lately we haven't been so him to make a wish last night and he says: "idk babee my wish already came true" so i asked him what his wish was that came true and he says: "youu" it was an awww moment. quite nice :)

my research paper for english is due a week from today. my teacher expects me to write ten pages since i'm her only honors student, i refuse, i'm only going to write eight, she can go screw, i don't wanna write ten pages, so far i only have four. no thanks no thanks. i don't want it, i hate this stupid thing. i like my topic: how digital photography enhances traditional photography. i've become quite obesessed with my digital photography class, i love taking pictures with the cameras our school has, they're quite amazing and so much fun to work with. i'd upload some of the picutres i've taken but the school computers in the library suck. in photog class we work with macs, they are beautiful machines, i want a macbook for college this september soooo bad. i'm going to suck up to my daddy and tell him that i want a macbook so very much please and thank you!

my cousin from NC imed me yesterday and told me to download this program internet chat called skype. it's free, uses your internet connection. but my desktop is ancient, like OLD, so we don't have a webcam, hell we don't even have a mic for the damn computer so it'll be goal this weekend or next weekend to get a webcam with a built in mike so i can talk to my family down there and see my oh-so-cute baby cousin landon! we're supposed to be going down there in july for his bday celbration, but i'm hoping to see all of them at my graduation in june, i'm excited excited! i love my daddy's side of the family, they're soo chill, i wish that i had applied to NC state like i wanted, i would've been able to live with my cousins or my aunt but tuition is ridiculous for out-of-state colleges soo BOO!

i get to see babee tomorrow :) i'm quite excited, it'll be the only time i get to spend with him this weekend so hopefully tomorrow will be good. yay boyfriend! i miss him, i hate walking around school seeing these cutsie couples kiss and hold hands in the halls and walk each other to classes, it makes me quite sad because i don't get to do that with my boyfriend, i have to wait a whole week to see him and i only get to see him for 4-5 hours depending on who we're with and what time i decide to go home. i can't wait til summer, because then i'll get to see him every single day or whenever i want at least :) this summer should be amazing and then it's off to college for me! it makes me kinda sad, i don't know what monte's gonna do: it's either a tech school or college in NH for him. if he chooses college in NH we'll be even farther away from each other and i don't want that. he really must get a car, i mean i'll let him do what he wants, i can't make his decisions for him, he always lets me affect his decisions, which shows how much he really does care about me but i don't want him regretting anything ya know? *sigh*

i love you, you are everything to me, i want no one else, it's you and me, always and forever

next friday will be our one month (: !

xoxo,
marielle

I wanna know if i could be,

2009-03-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

Someone to turn to,
That could never hurt you. --♥

today's one of those days where i just wanna lay in bed all day and not get up. the sky is a disgusting shade of gray, it depresses me. today's a good day to just curl up in babee's chest and cuddle forever. i'm not liking this week at all actually, it's been very BLAH. after monday night i wanted the week to end or start over or something. i really am in dire need of vacation now. i'm sick of everything lately, i'm so sick of hearing utter crap from everyone's mouths. you're dumb, if you have nothing nice to say, then shut the fuck up because i could really care less about you. keep your sarcastic comments to yourself, stop judging me and acting like you know me, you don't. fuck you and your 'witty' comments. leave me and my life alone.

i visited an old friend yesterday, she's back home for spring break and i noticed how different yet the same she is. she's different in a sense that she's more "collegian" i guess i'll say, she talks differently but she's still the same nice, caring, fun, and comfortable person to be around. and i realized how much i missed her, how much i miss all my friends that have gone away to college and are now busy and have hectic lives. we played PGR4 (Project Gotham Racing 4), twas extremely fun, i love racing games, it reminds me of spending that summer in north carolina a couple years back and playing video games non stop with my cousins. then we decided to play COD (Call of Duty). she kept shanking me, totally not fun. hahaaa monte got all defensive because i don't like playing video games with him but i'll play with other people :) i should get back into gaming, especially Halo since my boyfriend is completely obsessed with that game, that way i'll be able to play with him. i told him that he should teach me how to play COD since i suck at it and he said maybe he would. i think he's afraid that i might get better than him and start kicking his ass ;)

ughh i just realized that today's only wednesday..i have to wait another day until i see him. and i'll only get to see him on friday because on saturday he's going to go up to NH to hang out with his cousin for the day. booo!! yesterday he asked me if i've ever heard of the song "beautiful" by akon, i don't really listen to akon because i have a deep desire to slit his throat..lol i hate his dumb voice, but it's an okay song. it was really random of him to ask and when i asked him why he asked all he said was "just wondering.." then when i got home i decided to change my away message on AIM and i realized that babee was on, and his status said : "you're so beautiful, so damn beautiful" which is a part of the song by akon. it immediately put a smile on my face, that's why he asked me, what a cutie!

my head hurts, i need a nap. apparantly monte doesn't like going to school ever. he didn't go again today so he's probably, no more like he's most likely sitting on his couch playing video games. *sigh* what am i gonna do with him? he's a lazy bum, he says he has no motivation in the winter and once it gets warmer he'll be fully motivated and "bothering" me at 4am. yeaaaah right, i'm in a deep slumber at 4am and there's no way i'm getting up just to pick up my phone. no thank you, i love you and all but 4am is just tooo early. please don't.

okay well lunch is almost here so i'm gonna stop now.
peace kiddies, have a good one.

xoxo,
marielle

the city is at war

2009-03-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

ignore me if you see me 'cause I just don't give a shit --♥

i've gone back to listening to all my old mix cd's which include cobra starship. such an amazing band. i remember when i first heard of them, i was of course as usual looking for some new bands to listen to and i just so happened to come across cobra starship & i fell in love. they have mad catchy beats yo! i always find myself bobbing my head the "the city is at war". OH! and the video is ridiculously funny, everyone hits each other with cream filled pies like it's a weapon or something. i love it, i suggest you watch it if you haven't yet. they're on tour with Fall Out Boy, Hey Monday, All Time Low, & MetroStation and will be in Lowell MA in April. i wanna go sooooo bad, like it would be my first concert ever and i get to see all those amazing bands, like that would be such a kickass birthday present (:

i've also taken a liking to the white tie affair. tis an interesting bandname don't cha think? i was listening to our satellite radio 20s on 20 thing when their song "candle (sick and tired)" came on. i looked up the lyrics and decided that i liked them. basically the song is about missing someone/losing someone/not being able to handle losing someone. cute song i must admit, check 'em out.

oh there is no way that i'm going to help anyone out with their damn problems anymore. everytime someone runs to me for advice and i give it to 'em it gets me in trouble. like are you serious?! i'm helping you/trying to help you and you end up directing your anger towards me! oh dear oh dear i did nothing wrong please don't go throwing hissy fits because i refuse to put up with them. it's like whether i keep my mouth shut or say something i still get in trouble, it just doesn't make sense, so i give up. i'll still be here whenever i'm needed but all i'll do is sit and listen but not put my two sense in. please and thank you i have my own problems and i bite my tongue and deal and keep things to myself.

**Sam is stroking my hair like i'm a cat...tis strange..everyone strokes me like i'm some kind of animal..**

(-_________-) apparantly i'm soft.

later gater

xoxo,
marielle

baby you make me weak

2009-03-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

and i just can't get enough, no i can't get enough of your love --♥

friday- quite amazing! i got to see my darling :) i went over his casa and we chilled. but before that i was hanging out at marcy's with cait, we were singing along to the backstreet boys! hehee everybody, YEAAH, rock your body, YEAAH, everybody rock your body now, backstreet's back alright!! it was fun. me and babee were texting and i asked him if he asked his mommy if i could come over and he was like "no babe i told her you were coming over. hah, nope he didn't even bother to ask, but it's okay cus his mommy likes me so she allows me to come over and then gives me a ride home. so i get to his house earlier than usual and he pops in a dvd: The Lazarus Project. it was such a weird movie, i kept missing parts cus monte kept turning my head so he could kiss me. then after we watched or tried to watch: The Condemned, we moved from his couch to his bed so we could cuddle cuddle. but the dvd kept skipping so we couldn't really watch it, so funny cus everytime the dvd skipped and tried to start up again monte would roll on top of me and start kissing me over and over until i couldn't breathe. AAHHH! dumb boy, i forget to breathe everytime he kisses me like that, tis crazy! then he popped in another dvd, i don't even know what it's called becaus i didn't even watch it. instead i cuddled up against his chest and that turned into some more making out. lmao. we're terrible, his cousin & sister came in twice and amazingly he didn't pull away from me like he usually does, he kept me curled up into his chest while he yelled at his cousin and sister to get outta his room :) ugghh then when the last movie finished it was like 8:30ish/8:40 and his mommy asked if i wanted to leave now cus she was leaving and if i didn't leave with her i would have to take a cab home, but i wanted to spend some more time with monte so i decided to stay but then his mommy was like "NO never mind she's not taking a cab, i'll come back in half an hour so i can drop her off." i felt so bad, like i wouldn't have minded taking a cab but i guess they didn't want me going in a cab so late. sooo me & monte cuddled some more on his bed cus i was so tired. i was ready to fall asleep in his arms. he kept telling me to sleep but i refused because i wouldn't have wanted to wake up. so i was just staring at him smiling cus he looked so cute and we were just lying there for like half an hour staring at each other and smiling. he kept playing with my hair and stroking my face, so cuteee :)

saturday- quite an interesting day! i left my casa round 11:30 and walked around til forever. i met up with bran and walked her to work since i had nothing better to do then i spent some time reading at the library. then i had lunch with erica, it was fun. then we went to vu's and chilled. and monte showed up :) so i got to see him again! yaaay! it was awkward at vu's so i stole monte and walked to tony's with him. it's just my luck that my aunt and uncle just happen to drive by and monte and i were holding hands! gaah i almost died but then i decided that i didn't care. he's my boyfriend, i'm turning 18, who cares!! we spent a bit of time a tony's then went back to vu's. legit we did nothing all day. i was hiding in his chest all daay. then me, monte, vu & erica went to everett house cus they were all hungry. and after we went our separate ways, me & monte walked over towards elm st cus he had workiess. i didn't wanna say goodbye as usual. waaaaa :( i held on to him for dear life. but i let him go eventually after five more minutes of hugging and walked my butt home where i locked myself in my room and did my research paper.

sunday- i worked 12-6pm. it was absolutely crazy at MB. like it was ridiculous but i got lunch so i was okiee! my feetsies hurt so darn bad, i wanted to cry. then they made me bag for 2 hours! like i'm not a friggin bagger! i hateeeeee bagging. i was supposed to leave at 6 and my manager didn't let me go til 6:30, i wanted to stab him. like i'm tired, i wanna go home, just let me leave! i went to BK to get a strawberry milkshake cus i was craving one all day but then i felt sick when i got home so i plopped down on my bed and refused to get up. i was texting bran & monte for the rest of the night and finally went to bed 'round 11:20ish/11:30. oh me and monte are cute sometimes, we were telling each other how we were the bestest thing that's ever happened to each other :) it was niceee.

and now it's monday morning and there's huge white flakes falling from the sky! wtf is thiss! its march gosh darnnit! i want spring! NOW NOW NOW! i don't want any more snow! it takes babee away from me, take it away! i want the warm weather back please and thank you! this daylight savings thing doesn't work for me, i woke up at 6:20 and i was pitch black outside. hellooo it's morning, donde esta el sol?! then when i got outside it's snowing really hard! WAAAAA :( i hate it. and it's still snowing now, i chose a very bad day to wear chucks. blahhh, babee hasn't texted me yet so that means he stayed home today. *sight* he's such a lazy ass. my photog teacher is out so we're just chillaxing. i'm starving as usual. i need lunch.

mmkaay toodles!

xoxo,
marielle

hanging by a moment

2009-03-05T07:37:00.000-08:00

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you --♥

so my daddy called me a failure yesterday, it sucked so bad, i was wicked upset. he was pissed because i got two C's on my midquarter report card thing for 3rd quarter. i know i slacked off i told him i did but like i still have time to raise my grades and there's no doubt in my mind or any of my teacher's minds that i'm gonna get straight A's again. i promise i will! he calmed down though and was gave me the "i'm disappointed in you because i want you to work hard and get into college and get a good life" speech. i got the "i'm not doing this for me, i'm doing this for you"..uggh typical filipino parent maaan! i hate when my daddy yells at me, he's the only one in my house that's always on my side so i get really upset when he's mad at me. i'm a huge daddy's girl, i run to my daddy for everything, and i think i always will be :)

but i feel much better. i was talking to babee and he made me feel better. he was telling me how much he missed me and we talked about friday. hehee i can't wait! i just wanna cuddle & kiss him allllll night! he was in everett early yesterday and i could've gone to see him if my daddy wasn't so RAWRR on me. it sucked because i miss him and i was in need of one of his hugs yesterday. his hugs always make me feel better. *sigh* i want forever. hahaha i accidentally fell asleep on him last night because i was popped. whoopsie! i woke up at 1am and looked at my phone and there was a text from him saying "oh babes probably sleeeping! zZzz " lol so i texted him back and apologized for falling asleep on him YET AGAIN! i must stop falling asleep before saying goodnight, i find it quite rude.

and so today is thursday and school sucks. i'm so over everything like honestly i'm done with senior year. i don't want it anymore, i want it to be over NOW. the only thing i'm looking forward to is my birthday next month, april vacation, then prom with monte & graduation!! tomorrow it'll be exactly 1 month til i turn eighteen ! the only gifts i want is the yummy yummy ed hardey perfume, maybe some new clothes from forever21, and dinner with all my favortite people! whoot whoot i can't wait! april vacation, i hope, will be warm so i'll be able to go out to boston more to go shoot some pictures and hang out with my boyfrieeeend! yayayayayayay! i have to look for my prom dress sooon! for monte's prom i'm just gonna wear my dress from last year but for my prom i wanna find a nice cute short blood red dress :) monte's favorite color is red and we both look good in it sooo why not! wooo let the search begin! if you guys know any good places with red dresses let me knoww!

i'm starvinnng! i've figured out that i'm hungry every 2 hours and i eat always, so much food. yet i never gain any weight (-______-) i wanna gain a couple of pounds, i'm too ity bity. maybe i should just eat mass amounts of fast food. lmao..too bad i hate fast food. well not hate but i just can't eat it all the time..it makes me sick.

well i guess that's it for now!
toodles

xoxo,
marielle

our song (:

2009-03-04T05:17:00.000-08:00

hahaaa we're cutee. babee has this song as my ringtone for when i call him (:
hence this is our song now.

Soulja Boy -
Kiss Me Through The Phone

Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't now
Baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

Baby I kno that u like me
U my future wifey
Souljaboytellem
Yeah u can be my boonie
I can be ya clyde
U can be my wife
Text me, call me
I need u in my life
Yea all day
Everyday I need ya
And eveytime I see ya
My feelings gets deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can't
678 triple 9 8212

Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't now
Baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

Baby I've been thinkin
Lately so much about u
Everything about u
I like it, I love it
Kissing u in public
Thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen
Talkin on da phone
Baby u so sexy
Ya voice is so lovely
I love ya complexion
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can't
678 triple 9 8212
Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't
Now baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

She call my phone like da(20x)
We on da phone like da(20x)
We takin pics like da(20x)
She dial my numba like da(10x)
678 triple 9 8212

Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't
Baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

cute cute cute right?!!
baby i love you, i want you, only you, forever

xoxo,
marielle

give me a lesson on how to steal the heart

2009-03-01T07:33:00.000-08:00

as fast as you stole mine.
You love me, I love you harder --♥

its been an eventful weekend. i got to see babee friday & saturday. he's really good with the whole affection thing now. you know it still surprises me how comfortable he is when he says 'i love you' to me. before he was so hesitant and shy about it. but now-a-days whenever he sees me and we're saying goodbye he says it before i can. it makes my heart go thump thump ughh he makes me so weak. like on friday he had to leave early cus he had to walk home and we were saying goodbye, of course i buried my face into his chest and refused to let go of him like i always do, i don't like saying goodbye to him, it makes me sad. but after a many goodbye kisses i finally let go and started to walk away but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back and was like "i love you, i'll call you later." gaaah! sooo cutee.

saturday was really good too, we actually hold hands now..hahahaa we never did before but we're very coupley now. heh i've also figured out that my boyfriend is insane! my blackberry crapped out on my, i've been mucho upset and monte knew about it so saturday night he was at work and we were texting each other about teacup kittens, he doesn't believe they exist, but anywhoo yeah this guy at his store wanted to trade phones with me. he wanted an at&t phone for a blackberry. monte works all the way on elm st and he wanted me to walk over there but it was late and dark and cold and i didn't wanna walk alone. SOOO his boss let him walk all the way to marcys where i was hanging out to come get me. (-____-) it's a preeeetty far walk..especially in the cold. ughh he's insane! then the guy saw my crapp phone that i've been using and didn't wanna trade..but then offered monte a deal and monte was willing to buy the blackberry for me, i wanted to slap him. i was sooo embarassed, he's broke! there's no way i was gonna let him buy that phone for me. my sim card wouldn't have worked anyways cus the blackberry was for verizon, i hate at&t. monte's boss and that crazy guy were like : "see monte's a good kid!" "he really loves you" "he's a good guy" well DUH of course i know all this. i turned about a million shades scarlet. i really do love this crazy boy :)

so fast forward to snow day yesterday and the point of this blog post. i was supposed to see monte yesterday but the snow was just crazy and there was no way he was gonna walk in that crap weather, well i didn't want him too either, it's too far of a walk for him. but i was at vu's and he was playing xbox with monte which was the reason why monte's texts were utter crap texts hence i got annoyed. he got annoyed cus i wasn't really texting him back and i got pissed and decided to pick a fight with him. i really must stop picking dumb fights with him over stupid shit. i felt like i didn't matter when he was playing xbox and that he was neglecting me and not paying any attention to me, truth is i was just being an moody attention whore. i blame PMS. but we solved things, like we always do and things are even better :)

but i don't wanna fight with him anymore. he's really patient with me whenever i get moody, he sits there and takes it and then forgives me so easily. i asked a couple of my friends why i'm like this with him and how he can put up with me and they all gave me the same answer : "it's 'cus you love him so much and he forgives you so easily because he loves you too" i've found myself such an amazing boyfriend, well truth is he found me :)

vu and erica are fighting fighting fighting and i feel terrible! i hate seeing them fight, they love each other sooo much. vu's so in love with her and i know how much he doesn't wanna lose her. i wish there was something i could do to help fix things because vu always has helped me when i have issues with monte, but it's not my business, i still can't help but feel bad though :/ hopefully things will work out between them!

i'm looking forward to friday, me and babee decided that we wanna spend this friday together, alone. we haven't had a real friday night together in a while and i'm starting to miss my alone time with him so this friday should be good.

i love you baby, soo much, times infinity! :D

have a good one kiddies

xoxo,
marielle

And if it's the last breath I take

2009-02-25T09:47:00.000-08:00

I'll leave my kiss my with you --♥

so yesterday i had an adventure with yuri and vu. ughh those two completely molested me, lol. the adventure started at fine mart where the boys decided to get energy drinks, not that they needed it because they were already wicked hyper. but nevertheless they bought their energy drinks and we headed to BK with another one of their friends, i think his name's rick? but yeah the whole walk there yuri and vu were just off the wall talking about how they wanted to rape me and then they were fighting over who would get to hold my hand..yuri held my hand the whole way to BK. i felt like a little girl getting dragged around by her two older brothers. the whole time i kept wishing that babee was the one holding my hand. i was missing him like crazy yesterday. when we got to BK vu calmed down whereas yuri was still off the wall hyper, him and rick ate while me and vu sat and talked for a bit. then the walk home was weird, like me and vu were in front because we were cold and just wanted to go home and yuri and rick were behind us screaming about god knows what. vu and i talked about my relationship with babee thus far. i mentioned that we hardly talked on the phone because i hate disturbing babee while he's playing video games. and vu was like "oh when i talk to erica i at least stop playing the game to talk to her." ughh i wish babee did that, but hey i try to play the understanding girlfriend and let him play his halo even though i wanna chuck that damn xbox out the window :)

babee finally texted me as i was just chillaxing and watching my filipino soap operas. then i was helping momma prepare dinner: salad&broiled salmon&rice when my phone started vibrating in my pocket. i was in the middle of peeling carrots so i checked the screen to see who was calling and it was babee!! it surprised me, but i couldn't pick up, so i texted him and told him that i'd call him back after dinner. dinner was good, i just wanted to finish, clean dishes, and lock myself in my room and talk to him. so when i finally was able to retreat to my room i plopped down on my bed with my MCLA pamphlet and called babee. i love hearing his voice on the phone, it makes me heart go thump thump and it reminds me how much i love him :] we talked about how coincidentally his xbox wasn't working properly, mwuahhahaa, he blamed it on me because two nights before i told him i wanted to kidnap his xbox and never give it back. we also talked about college, he said that he might want to go to the college his cousin goes to in NH, which made me upset, i mean NH? gaaah!

me: baby that's faaaar!
babee: it's only like an hour away!!!!
me: sooo?! it's still faaar! you're gonna be too far away from meee!
babee: i am not going to be that far so shush, i loveee youu.
me: ROAAAR!

at least he has intentions of going to college now, not some tech school. he also joked about how i was on his case about playing video games and joining the marines. but honestly, i told him i'd rather him play his xbox all day then join the marines. no leaving me for three months babee, letters don't suffice, i need to be able to see you and hear your voice and kiss you. no marines! hehee, i know he won't go, just because i don't want him to go and because he loves me and we just can't do months and months without seeing each other.

we both went to bed early, both of us were tired, and before i usually was the one to say 'goodnight, i love you', before he was so hesitant when saying it but now he says it without ease.

me: goodnight baby
babee: i love you
me: awww i love you too
babee: goodnight, i'll talk to you in the morning

he makes my insides melt, he makes me so weak, he's been so good lately with showing me affection, it's nice, he keeps moving on up, he's opening up, and it's nice. as for me, i don't worry as much anymore, i've finally been able to breathe and calm down but the future scares me, next year scares me. college next year scares me. i've no doubt in my mind that we'll still be together, we're just so good with each other, there's hardly any arguing and when there is, we can't stand not talking to each other. so what happens next year when both of us go away to college? i don't wanna think about it yet. all i want is this summer when there's no school and i'll be able to have him all to myself :) yaaay summer!

baby i love you

xoxo,
marielle

we're falling apart

2009-02-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

and i'm okay with that --♥

ya know, for once, i'm actually really okay with the way my life is going, i like where i'm headed at this moment, and i wouldn't change it for the world. the past three or four months have made me a different person. the past few months have made me a stronger, more tolerant, and patient person. and i like the new me, i like who i am, i like who i've become . i've finally learned to stop putting everyone else's happiness above mine, i've become close to people who i never thought i'd be so close to, and i fell in love, for real this time.

but with this new me i've also grown apart from my best friend. we've been so close since eighth grade, so that's what, four years right? we've been inseparable for four years and now, we've grown apart. me and her have always been so similar but we also have so many differences, for example: i get along with everyone or at least i try to, and she doesn't, there are times when she'll isolates herself and refuses to get to know others. she doesn't know how to play nice. and the past month or so we've had a lot of arguments, mostly because of babee. she felt like i never made time for her even though i see her everyday in school, even though i always text or call her, plus she doesn't get the fact that babee lives in another town, i see him like once a week, of course i'm going to spend time with him whenever i get the chance. and even though she didn't say out loud, she asked me to choose between her and babee. i didn't like that one bit, how can you ask me to choose between you, my best friend, and this boy who i love with every fiber in me? why would you ask me to choose? i expected her out of everyone else to understand my situation, to understand that i've never felt this way about anyone before, that i've never been so happy as i am with him. i expected her to understand and she didn't, she let me down in that department. she gets so greedy and refuses to share me, it's like i'm in a relationship with her...she wants me to herself and i got so tired of all the fighting.

and now, i'm okay with that fact that me and her have grown apart. i just wanna go with the flow and see where it takes me. i'm happy right now, i'm happy with my life, why should i go and stress myself even more, why should i get so worked up over something that's outta my control? i don't want to anymore, not because i'm sick of her, because she's always been like my sister, but right now, i think that things are better off like this. i'm going to let time tell on this one.

babee likes to call me babycakes now, it's super cuteee :) so now he calls me three things: babycakes, miss madam, and pumpkin. i call him: babee, honeybunch, and now baby. lol. *sigh* i miss him already

2.20.09. i love you babyy

xoxo,
marielle

officially official

2009-02-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

Don't mind me if i get weak in the knees 'cause you have that effect on me and everytime we kiss i can't think straight.. --♥

friday night- amazing! double dated : me&babee & vu&erica ! we went to dinner at cancun on broadway which was soooo funny. the food wasn't all that great but we had some really good laughs. me and erica couldn't figure out how to work the jukebox and erica didn't really like her food and kept spilling it all over the place. then the cab ride to the movies was interesting, at first erica was lying on top of me, babee, and vu until you know, we decided to be smart and have me sit on top of babee :) we watched fired up, which was really funny, i totally enjoyed it. theen! we were waiting for our ride home and babee pops the question!!!!!! finally he asked me to be his :] it made the night perfect and complete. 2.20.09 i'm yours, you're mine, i love you

saturday night- hung out with yuri, vu, and marcy! soooo much fun! we hung out at vu's for a while, playing video games, listening to music, talking, joking around. then we got hungry and went to everett's house to eat. OMG! XD the boys were being ridiculous and eating twizzlers but being wicked dirty about it. they made me laugh til my tummy hurt. then we went to walgreens and the park near the high school and chilled on the swings for a while, we acted like little kids, i loved it :)
and now here i am at marcy's with them blogging about my yesterday and today because it's been absolutely great.

and i'm soo happy :) i'm quite content with how my life is going right now. i can finally breathe, all my worries have gone away, this is the calming after the storm.

xoxo,
marielle

cry me a river?

2009-02-19T06:22:00.000-08:00

oh that is exactly what i did last night and i never wanna do it again.

so yesterday didn't turn out to be such a great day. i left home for my haircut, yes, i got another haircut, my hair was just too long again. then i went over to marcy's to see what she was up too. she was busy so couldn't hang out at vu's with me. babee was being a tad bit of a jerk all day and i didn't wanna talk to him all that much so i stopped texting him. i walked around after leaving marcy's to go find some food since i was starving. i get my muffin and latee from dunkins and head over to vu's. he spent $80 on street fighter, the collector's edition..mad funny. him and yuri were playing the xbox so i sat and watched and read for a bit. yuri left, ruby showed up, and we played uno and BS! that was fun fun fun! babee walked him and i didn't even bother to say 'hello'. i was irritated at him and then he didn't even make an effort to notice me, didn't even make an effort to really talk to me. ruby left, babee, vu, and i went to everett house of pizza so they could eat and babee had his headphones on, again, didn't even try to talk to me so i didn't even try to be friendly with him. it started to snow, i was freezing, i was wearing a thin jacket and flats, ugh not the best idea. we were standing on the corner of vu's street, and babee wrapped his arms around me, but i was still feeling a little sensitive. we decided to go to vu's to keep warm when vu and babee decided to be mean to me and poke fun at me. i got angry and walked away from them. then, oh here's where it gets good, it's snowing, and i'm speed walking to marcy's, and crying. oh yes, i was bawling my eyes out. vu calls me and tells me to come back i tell him to go screw and that i'm heading to marcy's, babee texts me and calls me a ditcher and i freak out. that was it, that was the last straw. i call vu back and tell him that i didn't feel wanted tonight and i was simply just babbling and bawling my eyes out so i hang up and just cry and walk. babee texts me again and asks me why i'm so upset and i tell him to ask vu why. i've been scared that he's not going to pop the question, that he's just gonna lead me on again.

when i get to marcy's i plopp myself on marcy's floor and just cry cry cry, for a good 20mins. i tell marcy what happened. and then babee texts me and tells me that i need to relax. are you fucking serious?! i've been patient for 3 months and you wanna tell me to relax? fuck you. like honestly fuck you. i was so pissed and upset and i started crying all over again. but when my anger subsided i, of course went to go and try to fix things. i tell him how i feel, how i don't wanna lose him, how i'm scared, how i'm insecure, and he's at work so i know he has no time to deal with this and he tells me that he wouldn't have stuck around if he wasn't planning on asking me out and that i needed to understand that he does love me. i start to breathe normally again because that's all i needed to hear. all i needed was some reassurance. throughtout all this marcy was freaking out because i've never cried so hard, she's never seen me just break down like that. and she sat there and let me cry and rubbed my back and told me that it was going to be okay.

and now it is. me and babee talked after he got outta work. he texted me and asked me if i was okay.

me: yeah, i cried it all out, i'm fine now.
babee: it hurt real bad to hear you cry.

that right there made me wanna cry again, because i was so grateful, because it showed me that he cared. so i told him how i really felt, about how he makes me feel scares me, how i'm scared to lose him, and he told me he wasn't going anywhere. which was good, it was nice to hear.

i never wanna do that again, i never wanna cry that hard again. i wanna be able to trust him fully, and trust what he says to me, especially when he tells me he loves me. i'm going to try, starting today, because now that i've cried everything out, i feel better, because i've told him everything that's been bothering me and now we're good.

and everything always seems to calm down after the storm...

xoxo,
marielle

roller coaster

2009-02-18T05:28:00.000-08:00

up and down, over and under, it feels just like a roller coaster and no matter how much i want to get off this ride i can't. i just can't get enough. --♥

where to start?

friday- i got too see babee, it was the usual friday night. and no, he didn't pop the question yet. funny thing occurred though, his mom was driving me home and talking to his step dad on the phone and goes "yeah, i'm driving monte's girlfriend home". oh, is that what i am? funny because he hasn't asked, yet and that's the answer he gave me when i said that to him. "i haven't asked, yet.

saturday- valentines day? oh yeah that sucked too. i worked, i closed at work on this oh so wonderful little holiday. i got flowers from work, roses, and what did i get from babee? nothing. it's not like i wanted anything, but it's the thought that counts. i didn't even get to see him. he played football with his boys instead of coming down to at least say hello to me. that irked me quite a bit.

sunday- oh, i worked and closed this day too. AND i got into an argument with babee. sometimes he backs me up into a corner and i have to fight back. it was a petty argument to get into but nevertheless i decided that i was going to be a needy bitch. last week he gave me all this BS about how much he missed me and how he was going to come down this week to see me then he tells me sunday that he'll "see" what he can do because he might go to NH to see his cousin. so i got a little hurt and told him to go ahead and party it up with his cousin, that now that he's single he might even meet some girls. i was quite annoyed. but in the end, like always, i couldn't stand being angry at him so i apologized.

monday- i spent the whole day locked up in my room. probably because momma was home and because i wanted to get some homework done. i told babee that i felt like ~~sometimes~~, all the time, that i care more for him than he does for me. and he said he didn't know why, then he used his sweet-talk on me, told me he loved me quite a few times, and of course, my anger subsided. he fell asleep and didn't text me. i felt like my night wasn't complete. that irked me too.

tuesday- good day, i spent the day with marcy :) she's one of my best friends forever! twas her birthday monday and i didn't get to hang out with her so i spent the day with her. we went to breakfast with tania and then chilled at my casa for a bit trying to figure out what to do. and since it was oh so sunny outside we decided to head into boston!! we take troy with us because he's never been to boston and such. but boston turned into a bad idea..newbury st was quite boring yesterday. nevertheless it was fun because it's always fun when marcy's around. we had quite a few laughs. when i got home i was annoyed again at babee, i wanted to get a reaction outta him and i couldn't. he told me i was being 'touchy' as in sensitive and shit and i freaked out. but of course, yet again, i apologized. why? oh because i called DR. Turtle :) aka Vu, and he made me feel bad. he told me that i was going to push babee away so i decided that fine i was going to stop being a bitch. Vu and i had quite a long chat about this actually. there's always that issue: should i stay or should i go? i've waited around for three months, i'm still waiting, i'm trying to bite down my tongue and be patient, but i need things to progress. I NEED THINGS TO PROGRESS. *sigh* it's hard to stay angry at him because he forgives me so easily. i'm wrapped around his finger, i'm whipped, and i can't even defend myself sometimes. Vu says i need to take control, that i should ignore his texts and see what happens. but i can't do that. i'm thoroughly addicted to him, there's no hope for me. i know he cares, i don't doubt that one bit, i just need more. once i have that label i'll be fine. i just really hope things get better soon.

today- the plan for today? hang out with Vu, babee, and marcy i guess.
we'll see how things go.

xoxo,
marielle

And I love

2009-02-13T08:11:00.000-08:00

when you call me yours, because I am, and I always want to be --♥

so i told myself that today would be a good day because: it's friday, it's semi sunny out, i woke up anticipating today, i get to see babee today, and feb break starts today ! i've been needing this vacation, i just need to readjust myself, i've been moody and stressed, and i need this vacation to catch up, relax, hang out with friends, and be with babee. i'm going to try and silence all these doubts and insecurities in my mind. i've promised myself this because i owe it to myself, i owe it to him to just go with the flow now. i need to trust this, i need to trust him and trust that he wants me, just me, only me. he chose me so i need to just be a little bit more patient and i can do that, i'm going to try. i promise that i'm going to try.

i love that he calls me his, it makes me smile. haha, i'm a geek, he hasn't actually asked me yet, hopefully today, but he's pretty much claimed me, a long time ago actually. but its quite nice because he told one of his buddies about me, and his buddy wants to meet me :)

me: you told your friend about me?
babee: yesssr
me: what'd you tell him hmmm?
babee: nadaaa ahaaa
me: tell meee! i think i deserve to know what you say about me !
babee: i told him that you're my sexy love miss gossh !
me: awww, you're cutee :]

tomorrow's valentines day! i doubt i'll see him tomorrow so we're supposed to be spending tonight together :) i get to give him his presents, i'm excited! yayayay! and he told me that he'd come see me all vacation! he better! i haven't kissed him in 12days, that's too long too long too long!

today's been quite alright, hopefully it keeps up because i'm actually in a really good mood.
hehe

have a good one lovesss

xoxo,
marielle

I kinda sorta

2009-02-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

love you just a little a lot (:

ugh honestly i have the weirdest mood swings. i've actually been good since monday afternoon/night when babee told me the good news and yesterday i got to hang out with my ruby but afterwards my mood changed. i locked myself in my room with all the doubts and insecurites that i have and cried, and when i say i cried, i cried. it was full on i'm crying so hard that i can't even breathe thing and it sucked because i had no idea what i was crying about. babee was texting me and asking what was wrong and why i seemed so sad and the fact that he could tell that something was wrong via text made me cry even harder. after all that i felt much better though.

around ten babee texted me and made me feel even better.
babee: so how was your day?
me: it was okay, how about yours?
babee: suckish
me: aww why?
babee: idk, school and work
me: lo siento mi amor
babee: and cus i miss you miss madam
me: awwwww i miss you too
babee: like a whole bunch

he misses me :) my god i miss him too, it's almost been two weeks since i last saw him, like really saw him, and i'm hoping that we'll be able to be together tomorrow. i hate being so far away from him, distance doesn't make the heart grow founder, instead it just makes me sad because i miss him like crazy. i wanna be able to see him all the time just because he makes me feel a whole lot better and he's comforting and he's just him.

homeroom today was an hour long! we had to take this dumbass health survey: 103 questions, FORCE. i hated it. but all the periods are shortened today so yaaay! hopefully this day goes by faster.

its quite warm out again today, i wish that it was spring already.

xoxo,
marielle

Problem Solved !

2009-02-11T08:41:00.000-08:00

well at least the ones that have been bothering me the most..

so i've decided to know just sit back, relax, and do a tad bit more waiting. things with babee have been good, no scratch that, things with babee have been great. all i have to do is wait for him to ask me to be his, and hopefully it'll be this friday when we hang out! i'm excited to give him his hoodies, i know he'll love them :)

oh! and guess what? last night, i decided to be mature and fix an f-ed up situation from last year. ya know, the situation with that certain boy that i hated so much. i'll go ahead and say it since there's no more animosity left. i fixed things with esti :] i texted lorrayne for his number, then texted him and asked him if we could start over and we're good. i've realized that it's no good to just keep dwelling over that, to still be so angry over that, people make mistakes, hell, I make mistakes everyday, and i've accepted that both me and esti made mistakes last year. but we shouldn't have let that screw up our friendship. so we're starting fresh, which is good because i love fresh starts. i'm happy right now, i've been very happy, so i don't want any unresolved issues anymore. the next thing that i'll fix is the issue with "the child"

OH! and another thing, i'm going to stop all this procrastination. i'm drowning in all the work that i haven't been doing in school, senioritis is totally killing me and i'm going to get off my ass and stop being lazy. i'm going to start doing my homework everyday again. there's only a couple more months til i'm outta here and i'm going to keep my straight A's! yayy marielle!

i'm anticipating getting a package from my cousin's NC. they said that they were gonna send me something so now i'm waiting waiting waiting for it. where is it?!?! lol i'm not a particularly patient person but i'm learning, i'm trying to be (:

well okiee dokes i'm done for today!

xoxo,
marielle

I will be all that you want

2009-02-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me --♥

sooo guess what? babee fixed our complication ! :) he did it saturday night but he didn't tell me til last night while we were texting. he said that he wanted to tell me in person buuut he couldn't help himself and told me while we were texting last night. after waiting for like 3-4 months things can finally get settled b/w us, he can finally be mine. no more sharing,no more feeling insecure, no more getting frustrated with him. he picked me and its made me soooo freaking happy ! and then when we were saying g'night to each other last night and he said 'i love you' my heart back-flipped because now, that phrase means so much more. because now i can really truly believe him when he says that. i love you, i love you, i love you i can't wait for him to ask me to be his :)

i got him his present yesterday: two hoodies which i'm almost positive he's going to loveee! hehee he's going to look mucho cute in them. i'm excited to see him and give them to him and be able to kiss him and have him hold me in his arms forever. gahh! i'm so happy right now, legit all day i've been in the greatest mood. *sigh* all that waiting was worth it because feeling like this, probably the most amazing feeling in the world.

babee, thank you for picking me. i don't think i've ever been this happy ever, you're the only one that makes me feel this way. thank you for sticking around, the past three months have been crazy but i'm glad that you didn't let me let you go, i'm glad that you decided to want me just as much as i want you. i couldn't ask for more, you're all i want, all i need, and i promise that i'll always feel this way about you. you always put a smile on my face and you always make an effort, you're patient with me, and you love me despite all my faults. i'm yours, forever i love you honeybunch

this is what's really bothering me

2009-02-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

a couple hours ago i typed up a pointless blog where i was completely all over the place and i was babbling and complaining like a dumb idiot.

but this is what really is on my mind:

1)i can't stand being at home anymore honestly i'm sick of fighting with my mother, i'm sick of her picking random fights with me over stupid shit. i try to do things that please her, like getting straight A's and doing my chores on saturdays and i try to stay out of her way as much as possible. i lock myself in my room so she can't blame me for doing something i didn't do. but guess what? it doesn't work. everything that i do isn't good enough and i've thoroughly had enough of trying to please her. i'm almost eighteen years old dammit, just let me breathe a little.

2)i'm scared to death that i'm not going to get into college. everyone is getting acceptance letters and i haven't gotten squat. i'm scared that i didn't do my applications correctly and i'm going to fail at life. my chest is caving in and college is my only way out right now. college will take me away and let me live my life how i please but that plan isn't working at the moment. my fingers are crossed that i get accepted to my colleges, i might just run away to guam if i don't (:

3)people are starting to irk me. people that like to mouth off about my issues. i love you guys i really do but some of the things that you say get to me. honestly he's the only one that makes me this happy. why can't you just let me be? i don't need your comments about how you wanna kill him or how much you hate him. guess what? i love him, i'm happy isn't that all that matters? shouldn't that be the only thing that matters? please please please keep your comments to yourself, i don't need you attacking him.

4)i'm getting whip lash. this whole crazy situation with babee is giving me whip lash. i doubt things i'm insecure and i shouldn't be. he loves me, i know he does, so why isn't that enough? oh yeah...because it's not official, it won't be enough til it's official. my chest is caving in my heart is beating a thousand miles per hour i just want him.

so yeah, that's what's really on my mind that's what's been bothering me. all of it.
i just want some peace of mind, can someone give that to me?
okay thanks bye.

xoxo,
marielle

I could sit here forever...

2009-02-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

...waiting for you to come along and tell me that i'm yours and that you're mine --♥

i fell a tad bit better, but only a tad bit. i don't know what's gong with me lately. like yesterday i legit curled up into a ball and just started crying on my bed. babee was at the mall and on babysitting duty so it took him a while to text me back. when he finally did i just wasn't in the mood and he could tell something was wrong, i guess that's another thing i love about him: even though it's via text he can always tell if something's bothering me. he was trying to make conversation but i was in such a dumb mood that all i could give him were 1-2 word responses. he went away for a bit and said i love you in his goodbye which surprised me because usually i'm the first one to say it. when he texted me back he had to work so we hardly talked. and he didn't text me again til he got outta work 'round ten, and by then i was half asleep while texting him. again he could tell what was wrong, he finally got fridays off, which means that i should too. its like our unspoken agreement that friday nights are our nights to just be together and hang out. it makes me happy so hopefully i can change my work schedule pronto

so i should stop with my mood swings, it turns me into a ~~jelous bitch~~. but i guess it's only because i'm so deathly afraid to lose him, without him, i'm not happy. he puts a smile on my face, i don't wanna give that up, i want him forever only him.

i've figured out what to get him for valentines day :) thanks to ian i've decided to get him curve cologne ! i love that smell on a guy so i might as well get it for him. its not that he doesn't smell good, lol, he smells like vanilla most of the time, yum yum, but curve drives me wild. it's probably my favorite scent on a guy. yay yay! i'm excited to get it for him, he better like it!

i told myself that i'd do work today, but how can i do that when three of my teachers are absent? (-_______-)
so now i'm being a lazy slacker..speaking of which, babee actually went to school today after not going for the past three days. he says he'll be more motivated once spring warms up, i hope so, or else ima have to smack some sense outta him ! ! !

ian wants to have lunch with me and babee soon. so i can meet ian's girl and so that we can do some cousinly bonding. lol, gosh, feb break needs to come soon. there's so much to look forward to in the next couple of months, i'm excited !

wells i guess i'm done for now!
peeeace kiddies !

xoxo,
marielle

And sometimes you make me feel...

2009-02-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

..so damn unbeautiful --♥

this crappy winter weather is making me a bitch. this weather depresses me and i hate it. it makes me pick fights with people over dumb stuff, it makes me insecure, it makes me wanna curl up into a ball and cry.

i was being a dumb jelous girl last night causing me to get irritated at babee. wtf ! honestly, truthfully, i have no right, what am i to him? oh yeah, nothing. i'm not even his girlfriend and i'm acting this way? what's wrong with me? someone please please just slap some sense into me.

i hate acting like this. i hate feeling like this.

i'm going to go curl up into my little ball now and cry.
okay thanks bye.

xoxo,
marielle

I don't know what you do,

2009-02-03T05:21:00.000-08:00

but you do it well --♥

i think i've thoroughly had enough of senior year..my senioritis reaching new heights. i don't wanna do anything in class anymore, i've been spacing out: doodling in my notebooks, day-dreaming, texting, you know doing everything i shouldn't be doing. it's not good but hey it's third quarter..i can relax a little bit can't i?

supposedly there's an everett high class of '09 blog that gossips about everyone in the senior class. if anyone finds this blog send me the link pronto por favor. i'd like very much to read this shenanigan and then figure out who writes it (:

you know what really irks me? people that are are so damn negative and pessimistic about everything. people who walk around with that 'hey fuck everyone!' attitude. i don't know, i guess that yeah people are entitled to their own opinons but honestly stop judging everyone, take a good look at yourself before you go around judging everyone else. i'm not trying to be a bitch and bash on you here but really, in the real world you have to learn to just deal with people otherwise no one is gonna like you. not everyone is fake, most people aren't that bad. so honestly, just stop being so damn pessimistic over stupid shit.

LC was here, reading over my shoulder as i typed that paragraph above!!

so babee is my valentine this year :) woohoo! but i dunno if we're gonna be able to be together cus his parents might "kidnap him". i get to see him today by the way..well hopefully if things work out. it's been good lately, so good. its been what three months now? mhmm three months of 'talking' and one month of amazingness. lmao
heyy babee, i think that you should make me yours already..jeez we're practically together, you might as well make it official!

LC IS BEING EXTREMELY LOUD AND TALKING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GO LESBIAN AND HOW SHE ~~"likes dick too much"~~ SHE'S SO FREAKING LOUD. SOOOO FREAKING LOUD..SHE'S TALKING TO THE GUYS IN FRONT OF US..ONES THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT BI-SEXUAL GIRLS, GAY GUYS ETC ETC..

(-____________-) i'm totally disturbed. see this is how first periods are with marielle, sam, linnie, and LC.

LC: hey, i'm just stating facts here.

yeah i bet LC, i bet.
i'm outs for now.

xoxo,
marielle

hiling

2009-02-02T05:17:00.000-08:00

tanging ikaw lamang ang akin iibigin,
walang ibang hiling kung di ang yakap mo at halik --♥

TRANSLATION:
you are the only one that i'll love,
there's nothing else I'll ask for but your hugs and kisses.

Things that I love :
(1) the way you hold me in your arms
(2) the way you kiss me
(3) that you call me pumpkin
(4) the way you look at me after you kiss me
(5) the way you trace your fingertips across my stomach and waist
(6) that you make time for me, always
(7) that you walk all the way from revere just to see me
(8) that you always put a smile on my face
(9) that you think i'm cute
(10) that you make my heart do backflips whenever you're around me
(11) that you love me too (:
(12) you ♥

great weekend, no scratch that, amazing weekend.

friday: it finally got better once the 2:15 bell rang at school. I chillaxed with marcy, cait, lc, troy, and steffy. we got my check @MB and decided that we were gonna be pigs and buy junkfood; we bought icecream cake, goya crackers, and...NUTELLA!! we ate it all at marcy's. then we were supposed to go to the movies but that didn't happen cuz we were lateee sooo we went to go shoot pool instead. twas fun, i had a headache but it was still nice to spend friday night with the group. i also got to see babee for a little bit, so that made me happy and satiated my longing for him. he had work so he couldn't come with us. but he did this cutee thing before he left. we were outside marcy's doorway thingy and saying goodbye, he was giving me my goodbye kisses and was getting ready to walk out the door but then he turns back around and pulls me back into him and started kissing me all over again :) he didn't wanna leave and i didn't want him to either but after a bit i finally let him go cus he was gonna be late for work.

saturday: steff's bday party. hung out w/ troy, marcy, and cait beforehand. we trooped to pho on the parkway in the freezing cold then chilled at dunkins for a good while before going back to marcy's house to warm up and eat chilli! then lc came and we left for steffy's. when we got there we just kinda "posted" and watched music videos, and danced a bit. then the boys came. MY GOD BOB BANG IS HOT! lololol. i wanted to rape that child! ssssh don't tell babee, it'll be our little secret :)

sunday: i spent my afternoon with babee at his casa. very good day. i like being with him, he's comfy. all i can say is : i'm addicted to kissing and hugging, touching and rubbing, i'm a sucker for his love. i love that way he looks at me after he kisses me, he just stares and me and smiles, it makes me heart go thump thump. we had a moment ! lol he was staring at me and smiling and i went

me: pssst guess what?!
babee: hmmm?
me: i love you (:
babee: i love you too

then he gathered me into his chest and just held me. gahh this boy, he's so good to me. i'm happy happy again because i got to see him friday and yesterday and i get to see him tomorrow! yay yay yay!

i love my baby, yup yup i love my boy
honeybunch ♥

xoxo,
marielle

you got me begging you for mercy

2009-01-30T08:05:00.001-08:00

I don't know what you do
But you do it well
I'm under your spell --♥

I let little things get to me, I let people get inside my head and fill it with doubts. Why why why why? Do I really lack that much confidence in this, do I really not trust the things he says to me? I said it before and I'll say it again: there are times when he makes me feel like I'm the only one that matters in his life but other times he makes me feel like he doesn't give a shit about me. And I put up with it because I love him. I cry because of him. This morning i wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry. Nine days of not seeing him doesn't work for me. I miss him like crazy and I've been so lonely lately. So first period I just broke down and cried. Sam lent me her shoulder and told me that 'no boy is worth my tears', but he is, he's worth it. Why? Because I love him.

I wanna say thank you to my Samantha though because she makes my first period class better :) We have the most amazing conversations and she makes me laugh til my tummy hurts.

me: I had yogurt for breakfast today >.<
sam: oh yeah? well i had julian's apples for breakfast today.

LMAO XD
she makes dirty jokes like whoa and she was on a roll today. it was awesome.

Then while we were walking to 2nd period some child fell down the stairs, he completely missed the last step and like in slow motion fell. And during this I saw troy w/ his cute new haircut so I said hello and he completely undressed me with his eyes and smirked at me! lolololol oooh troy how you brighten up my morning :) so i start cracking up laughing at troy and sam startes laughing and we're both just laughing our asses off while walking downstairs and sam goes:

"why are we laughing! we're so bad we shouldn't be laughing at that!"

me: i'm laughing at troy he just undressed me with his eyes!
sam: omg i was laughing at that kid that fell!
me: oh HAH! that was funny too!

we're evil :D

we'll see how my day goes,
maybe later?

[EDIT: 12:56pm]

my day never gets better. honestly why does everyone have to remind me that i haven't seen him in nine days? i mean really c'mon now you guys! you know how much i like him, how much i wanna spend some time with him yet you have to go and say shit. 'no marielle, no kissing and hugging, and touching and rubbing, you are NOT a sucker for love!' oh, but i am.

and babee, not making this day any better. ya know how he usually texts me first in the morning? well today, nothing. i had to text him a good morning honeybunch and what do i get for a response? i get a fucking "morning" as a response, no "morning pumpkin" he always uses my nickname and he didn't today. what the fuck was that about?! it freaked me out, that one little word that wasn't included freaked me out. this is so overwhelming. he hardly even texted me at all today. it makes me sad and it puts stupid doubts in my mind. steff told me that i shouldn't even worry about it. she says that i'm sure of how i feel, about how we (me&babee) feel so i shouldn't let these doubts eat me alive. but i can't help it. i can't help but freak out over stupid shit.

make me feel wanted, that's all i want, that's all i ask for. is that too much to ask for?

xoxo,
marielle

forever

2009-01-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

i wanna be with you forever, i wanna stay in your arms forever, i want you for forever --♥

yesterday sucked. like badly. i was supposed to chill with babee but that obviously was NOT happening because of all the snow. like wtf is that?!! i get a day off from school and i still don't get to see him. it was a complete BUST! so i moped around all morning feeling sorry because the day before i got into a fight with my best frieend. it got so much worse but i'll get to that soon.

so i went to marcy's house to chill for a bit and troy was there cus he slept over. freaking hell i almost got raped..like five times. >.< freaking troy!! ahaha he stole blueberry from me and i was freaking out on troy b/c me and babee were texting each other and troy wouldn't give blueberry back so i wrestled with him. lol. epic fail. he's like ten times bigger than me and he like locked his legs around me and wouldn't let me go. i couldn't even get up. and on top of that he kept tickling me, i hate being tickled because i'm ticklish everywhere so i couldn't even breatheee cus i was laughing so hard. all i have to say is stupid freaking troy! i hate you (:

i was getting ready to leave when steffy texted me. i wasn't in the mood to deal with her. hell i wasn't in the mood for anything. so i told her that i needed some time away from her and she blew it up into epic proportions and was threatening to throw away our oh about nine years of friendship over my little screwup. she was being irrational and acting like a five year old and she was seriously pissing me off and i was like ready to just let her throw away our friendship. but then she sent me this like six page text and i started crying. i was so upset because i hate fighting, i absolutely hate it and i just don't deal with drama particularly well. i was crying so hard i couldn't even breathee. so i told her how i felt, how i didn't wanna lose her because this girl is like my sister, she's my other half, my best friend, and there was no way i was going to let this stupid fight get in the way of that. we talked properly and we fixed things. people don't understand how me and steffy fight. we're both so stubborn and alike that we clash too many times. but each fight just makes our relationship stronger. but honestly this was the worst fight we've ever gotten into in like two years sooo i don't want a repeat of that.

i just wanted to be emo last night. things just weren't well. i missed babee so much. all i wanted was for him to wrap me in his arms and never let me go. i was telling him how i wanted to escape, run away from everyone and never come back and he wouldn't allow me. i asked him why and he told me that he'd be sooo sad if i left him. again i asked him why, i asked him if he really loved me that much and he said "of course" :) see that's a good enough reason for me to stay. just having him love me so much, that's the best reason. sometimes i feel like he doesn't miss me at all, like when i miss him he doesn't miss me. but i was wrong.

me: so when do i get to see you?
babee: hopefully soon cuz i miss you.

usually i'm the one that tells him that i miss him so it was nice to hear him say it. it's been eight looong days without him. >.< i'm being deprived of my honeybunch. porque? gimme gimme. hopefully he doesn't have to work tomorrow so we get our friday night together.

today i judged sixth graders on their science fair projects. me and steffy judged a couple good ones but gave out only one perfect score. cool cool. it was fun, we got out of 5 periods so i'm not complaining. but now i'm pooped. i'm sleepy and tired and i wanna snuggle up against babee's chest and fall asleep. nice thought, i wanna fall asleep with him (:

it's been drama central the past couple of days: at school and at home. i'm done with it, i don't want it anymore. take it away please. i need to turn eighteen already, move out of my house, and go live at college. that's what i need. i need my friends, my cousins, and babee please and thank you. this is what i want forever

honeybunch, i'm yours for forever. i love you

xoxo,
marielle

Sucker for love?

2009-01-27T05:18:00.000-08:00

I'd addicted to kissing and hugging, touching and rubbing
I'm a sucka for love, for love, for love.
If you's addicted to kissing and hugging, touching and rubbing
You's a sucka for love, for love, for love. --♥

I'm thoroughly addicted to that song (:

yesterday was such a shitty day. why? well! babee was having a bad day, which caused me to have a bad day. he wokes up with a headache and he was cold. Then when he got to school it got even worse. their classes change every semester and they fucked up his schedule. instead of giving him a second gym they gave him advanced algebra which he took last year and passed. we hardly texted all day which made me sad but babee doesn't get service in a lot of his classes so i understood. then after school he tolds me that he got elbowed in the leg..heh. i was like "babee how do you get elbowed in the leg?" basketball is a dangerous sport. apparantly he jumped and some child elbowed his leg.

(-________-)
poor babee

then his night got worse. he had to work and the kid that he usually works with got fired. ya know, the kid that usually works for him on friday nights when me & him hang out? yeah that kid, well his ass got fired. and now babee has to train some new kid who according to him is gay, like legit, homo gay. *sigh* so he might not be able to be with me on friday which is upsetting. i haven't seen him since wednesday and that doesn't even count because i saw him for like 5 mins, i said hello, got my hello kiss, said goodbye and got a goodbye kiss. that's NOT seeing him, that doesn't count at all. seeing him for me is being able to talk to him and cuddle with him and having him wrap me in his arms and really kiss me, the 'you make me forget how to breathe' kiss. i want those kisses. rawrr.

but we were texting before bed and he was being cute again. we were play fighting about what we were gonna do if we chill on friday and i told him that he was a jerk and that he was being mean to me always.

babee: i am not pumpkin!
me: yeah huh!
babee: i was jk
me: >.< jeeerk!
babee: oh shush!
babee: misss i love you so sssh!
me: awwww! :) i love you too honeybunch.

then i asked him if i could keep him forever and he said yes :) and i asked him if he wanted me forever and he said of course. gosh gosh gosh. i don't want anyone else but him, he's the only one i wanna be with. forever and ever and ever.

i really do hope that today will be better, i hope i see babee today, he hasta train the new boy so he's coming to everett and working tonight. i miss him, it's almost been a weeeeek for god sakes.

baby you make me so weak, i love you

we'll see how today goes maybe i'll blog again a tad bit later.

xoxo,
marielle

we're all looking

2009-01-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

for someone to take away to pain --&hearts

time

8 months ago
I promised myself I wouldn't fall again.
My heart was still recovering from the last battle but i fell and broke open.
5 months ago
I made a mistake, I left myself open and vulnerable and I paid the severe consequences.
3 months ago
I found you.
I stumbled and tripped on my own two feet,
I fell headfirst, spiraled down an endless hole never knowing what would happen at the end of the fall.
2 months ago
I went crazy..
I let myself fell again and i took in your love and gave it back willingly.
1 month ago
I remembered how to love.
I forgot about my fears and let myself be selfish.
2 weeks ago
I heard your heart beat.
And realized that it was similar to the beating of my own heart,
that beats for only you.
1 week ago
I became yours.
You claimed me for your own and made me forget how to breathe.
I wanted nothing more than to stay in your arms forever.
I gavve myself to you remembering that this was how it felt to love and be loved in return.
And as time goes on I realize more and more how much I truly love you, how I don't want anyone else, how their opinionss don't matter.
I will take my time, I will be patient, time will pass and I will still be here waiting,
I will wait a lifetime for you.
Only time will tell, time has brought me here, time has brought me you.

gimme feedback yo!

xoxo,
marielle

My heart

2009-01-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
my heart is yours --♥

it's friday and i'm actually going to go to work today, wow. it feels weird because i've been skipping work the past two fridays to be with babee but i really need the money so i'm gonna work tonight. four til close, what else is new?

i'm a tad bit aggrivated at myself. why you wonder? well i lost my camera. i'm extremely upset at myself, i lost my powder blue HP Photosmart camera that my daddy bought for me two years ago. waaaaaaah. how did i manage to do this? well, yesterday was thursday aka pay day so i trooped to MB with marcy and julian. i was taking pix for my photog project but HP's battery was dying as we were coming towards the train tracks. then the train thingys start ringing and i didn't wanna wait for the train to past to i stuffed, or so i thought i stuffed, HP in my purse and booked it across the tracks. WELL i guess i didn't quite get little HP in there because about six hours later i realize that she's not in there!!! (-___________-) i'm so upset. i have to replace HP before the parental units find out or else i'm in big trouble.

so the parentals, my aunt&uncle&little cousins, went to malden last night for dinner. it was my deceased grandfather's bday/my aunt & uncle's anniversary. twas boring. food was good: pansit, chicken, ribs, and veggies. i was a tad bit worried the whole time cus babee hadn't texted me back yet...we stopped texting around lunchtime while i was still in school..so i was thinking he got kidnapped. soooo i texted him and he explained and apologized, he had some football meeting to attend to when they got dismissed at tweleve and it lasted for like two hours and when he got home he meant to text me but babee is sickies and he feel asleep before he could text me. oh well, at least he didn't get kidnapped. lol. i told him i was bored and annoyed and i just really wanted to go home and he surprised me by calling me! poor babee sounded like death. we talked for a bit and then hung up cus he was gonna eats. then he texted me 'round 9 just when i got home. he thinks he's dying, but he doesn't wanna take medicine. >.< what am i gonna do with him! he's so stubborn!! i felt so bad, i just wanted to troop over to his house and give him kissies and take care of him and make him feel better. i even told him i'd take the day off from work today so i could take care of him but he said no no it wasn't necessary. but i wanna take care of you babee, that and i want my kisses, i could care less if you're sickies (:

i feel so BLAH today. It's 8:40am and babee still hasn't texted me good morning. my morning doesn't feel right when he doesn't text me. *sigh* he probably isn't going to school since he's so sickies so maybe he's still sleeping, either that or he's in school taking his midterms. oh well, i'll just wait til he textes me cus i hate bothering him. i always wait for him to text me it's like a ritual. he textes me in the morning when he wakes up and we text all day in school and after school and we don't stop til we say goodnight & i love you and go to sleeps. rawrr i hope babee gets better soon!

well well i'm done for the morning, i feel like today is going to be a crap day. we'll see, maybe i'll update later!

xoxo,
marielle

nobody else but you

2009-01-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

Open my heart
Give it to you
Tell the whole world that I'm in love with you
Whatever you want
Baby I'll do
I know I don't want nobody else but you --♥

its a thurday, good morning kiddies. first period blogging is fun! so today i have my calc midterm, which i'm totally gonna fail, awesome right? yep, oh well!

scholarship last night was quick and easy. went in there, lined up, grabbed a crap load of papers and left. chilled with turtle for a bits cus i wanted to go see babee at work. twas funny cus on my way there i almost died, like three times. texting & walking on ice, NOT a good combination.

so when i saw babee last night it was nice, i got my kissies, hello, goodbye, i'll text you later. he tasted yummy, oh so sweet (:

i was so tired last night, i plopped into bed round 9ish and my eyes were already heavy. still though i tried to stay up to keep texting babee but i don't really remember what we were talking about. i think it had to do with him asking me to come over..mind you it was like 10ish..yeah no way in hell i was getting my ass outta bed to see him..i'd get massacred by the parentals. we do this stupid thing where we're like "come here, no you come here" thing so that went on for a good 6 texts. he wanted me to come to him cus he wanted to kiss me :) i'm sooo still not used to the fact that i get to kiss him now. i promised him thousands of kisses the next time we see each other though, hopefully that's soon

ian texted me so early this morning, like 1:45is 2ish early, i musta've been sleeping for a goood two hours when my phone started beeeeping! (-____-)

ian: hey would you be interested in making a friend?
me: MAD RANDOM! lol. why?
ian: cus my boy is looking for some azn friends. lol. are you interested?
me: WTF?!..okay then sure, lol, i like making friends
ian: cool cool his name's sammy.
me: okay..g'night

why is my cousin so random? who knows..heh, it's funny cus he told me before that he didn't want me hanging out with any of his friends: "if one of them ever touches you i swear to god that will be the end of that friendship and his life" lololol. mad overprotective over me! though he does support the whole me & babee thing. hmmm, yup my cousin is a weirdo. tis okay i love him anywho cus he's always there for me! thanks ian!

i've officially named my new blackberry! her name is....

....BLUEBERRY!!!

shut up, i know i'm odd.

so basically i'm rambling about nothing again..i hopes that i see babee today, maybe he'll come down and visit after he finishes his midterms, ya know since he gets out at 12!!! lucky jerk.

tralalala
okiee i'm done
peeacee kiddies!

i love you honeybunch (:

xoxo,
marielle

i won't disagree

2009-01-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

lately you make me weaker in the knees,
it reigns through my veins
baby every time you're close to me,
take me away to places i ain't seen,
they say you got a hold on me,
and i won't disagree. --♥

so i was talking to my little turtle last night. because he called me, all upset over the girl that he loves. my poor poor turtle. i hate seeing him like that, absolutely hate it because he deserves better. he's such a sweet guy. he's been there for me: listening to me and giving me advice on my situation with babee. of course i want whats best for him. and this girl, i don't think so. it seems like she's leading him on, telling him that she "loves" him yet she has a bf, and she gets angry at him for hanging out with me? what the hell are you serious?!?! she has NO RIGHT whatsoever to get angry and him. me and turtle are like best friendsss! babee is one of his boys, i would NEVER go there! even if i was so heels over head for babee i still wouldn't go there, turtle is just too good of a friend. i'm happy that he calls me when he needs to talk, i'm glad he trusts me with his issues. it's nice to have someone to comfort, i love having guy friends. (:

so the convo last night between me and turtle was intense. we talked about love and why we're so "sprung" over our "significant others". we both agreed that we never thought we'd fall so hard, especially at this age. turtle was like: "we only seventeen! why are we freaking out over love?!! we have our whole lives ahead of us!!" and i said: "well it's because this is what it feels like to be in love, to love someone so much that you put yourself through so much crap, because you know you love them." it's true though. we put ourselves through so much drama all for what, for love? that's fucked maaan! for me, i know that i did what i did, that i'm doing what i'm doing because i'm hoping, because i'm trusting that babee will choose me this time. because i know he's worth all the shit i'm putting myself through. why?

its quite simple actually, because : i love him

and i have never loved anyone like this before, i've never had anyone love me like this before. i've never had anyone take my breath away the way he does when he kisses me. i'm a love sick fool and i'm praying that in the end it'll be okay.

turtle told me that i should let go, see if he comes back. but i'm scared to do that. i refuse to do that. maybe it's because i don't have enough trust in him yet. i want to trust him, i wanna trust him when he says i love you but how can i? how can i do that when he's still with her, when she still has the label, the label that i want so damn much.

shoot me now por favor.

its been bothering me for such a long time. because there are times when i can see that he cares about me; when he wraps me up in his arms, when he kisses me, and the fact that he walks all the way from revere to everett just to see me. he wouldn't do that if he didn't care right? but there are other times when he makes me feel like he doesn't care at all. and all this fear consumes me, it eats me whole, and i become this jelous, greedy, needy, selfish, moody bitch. i hate being like that, i like giving him his space too but gosh darn it's so hard not to be that way sometimes. i hate it, i don't wanna be that kinda girl. i don't wanna be pushy and needy and controlling, we're not even together together yet and i'm already acting like this? something has to change, i have to change feeling this way, because there is no way this relationship is ever gonna go anywhere if i stay like this. i promise myself that i will not be one of those girls.

babee got to go home early cus of midterms today, and i wanna seee him but he hasta clean or else his parentals will RAWRR! hopefully i see him tonight, i want my kisses!! i wish i could see him everyday just for my kisses (:

oh and i also gathered up the courage to talk to him about our complication, ya know the whole, 'hey he still has a gf' complication. lol. yeah i'm talking to a guy with a gf, shut up, don't judge me, you don't know how we are together, you don't understand how i feel. screw what you think, i'm happy. but ANYWHOO! this is what i said:

me: so are you single yet, or have you not fixed that complication?
babee: i haven't fixed that complication yet, close but not all the way.

hah! so he's trying. give him a break ladies, ahem sam&brandy ahem! lol. just kidding, i love you girliess.

but seriously, that sorta reassures me that he's gonna pick me,that he has intentions of being with me, that he loves me and means it when he says it. gosh that's amazing, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. well 6th period is almost overrr soo i gotta go before the bell rings! tonight is scholarship fair here at the high school so hopefully i find some scholarships i can apply to!! wish me luck (:

shoutout to turtle, it's gonna be okay ! things have to get worse before they get better, give her time, she'll realize that she loves you and take you back. my fingers are crossed for you.

sammy pino! i loveee you girl! i don't think i coulda made it this year w/out you and bran! i'm happy for you and the new boy, hopefully things work out for the best! <333

xoxo,
marielle

Oh it is love

2009-01-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

Oh it is love from the first
time I pressed my lips against yours
thinking oh is it love? --♥

i told him what happened between me and cutie. i confessed to him that we "talked". and he was quiet. all he had to say was "oh". the minute he said that i knew i shouldn't have told him. but i had to. i hated keeping it from him, i hated not telling him, i hated feeling guilty so i told him. no secrets, there will be no secrets between me and him.

i had a freak out on sunday. he was being so damn awkward. he wouldn't tell me what was bugging him, he kept telling me that nothing was wrong, but obviously something was. i thought it might have something to do with my confession the night before. i pratically begged him to tell me what was up, i got scared, that he was starting to regret everything so i called him out on it. and he said no, of course he wasn't starting to regret anything, he was just "aggrivated". by what? i have no freaking idea. he told me he hated talking about his problems, but to me, i mean c'mon, its me, babee you can tell me and i'll listen, but i let it go. cus i hate pushing, i hate prying, and because i trust that when he's ready to tell me that he will.

but monday was amazing. i got to see him, and of course he was leaving me breathless with his soft kisses. we were cuddling and he kept pulling me into him every time i scooched up to give him some space. then he would kiss me, at first it started off with just a cute little smooch, then it turned into three all a row. twas amazing, twas breath taking, twas perfect.

he was texting me while he was at work, as usual. and i just got home when he asked me:
babee: i think i've been meaning to ask you
me: hmm?
babee: what happen between you and "cutie"

i told him nothing, because that's the truth, nothing at all happened. and i asked him if he got jelous, and he said yes (: i reassured him that he had absolutely nothing to be jelous about. i told him that i coulda chosen not to tell him but i did and i told him because i didn't wanna hide anything from him.

another cutee thing he said last night:
me: why do you walk all the way to everett just to come see me?
babee: are you kidding me?! come on nowww!
me: answer the question babee
babee: cus i love my pumpkin

my heart flip flopped again. flop flop flop! ba-boom ba-boom. i don't think he'll ever cease to amaze me. him, his sweet-nothing's, and his breathtaking kisses (:

xoxo,
marielle

ps. i'm sorry that i do nothing
but talk about him on this blog,
it's just he's the most interesting part
of my day ♥

xoxo,
marielle

what you made me forget and remember:

2009-01-18T08:44:00.001-08:00

you made me forget how to breathe but made me remember how it felt to love again. --♥

friday was amazing. his kisses were amazing. he is amazing. the whole night was amazing. he kept making me forget how to breathe. i wanted to stay in his arms all night and just kiss him.

i'm not walking anymore, i'm floating. this feeling is amazing. his love is my addiction. i'm so freaking in love with this boy and it scares me.

I've given you my all, my everything, i'm yours, for as long as you want me. I love you honeybunch, you know that. And i'm here, i'll be waiting, for as long as it takes because i can't bear to lose you again.

xoxo,
marielle

Being with you is so dysfunctional

2009-01-16T05:44:00.000-08:00

You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you --♥

IT'S FRIDAY!!
which means: i get to seee babee today! yay yay yay! i'm excited to see him, honestly once a week is not enough for me. i wanna see him always, every single day, just because he's amazing like that. last night he was being wicked cute and being very patient with me. i love that about him, that he's patient with me and that he takes his time with me and doesn't force me to do anything i don't wannna do.

last night when we were texting he said the cutest thing:
babee: she's such a cutieee
me: whaaa?
babee: this girl, she's a cutie
me: WHO?!
babee: just this girl..
babee: ..her name's marielle (:

i was all starting to get jelous too. but it was so cutee and my heart backflipped again. honestly being around him, talking to him, i forget how to breatheee! it feels like being in love for the first time.

see all i can talk about is him, its insanee! i should really stop. is this how it is when you're in love? i guess so huh?

i'll update later later after tonight happens.

i love you honeybunch, so much, like whoaa

xoxo,
marielle

I am addicted to you

2009-01-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

When I'm lookin' in the mirror
Honey, you are all I see
And it could not be no clearer
That I need you here with me

I'm addicted to you
I'm addicted to you
You're my addiction --♥

yesterday was tons of fun. can i just say how much i love driving around with my girls? I ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY- LOVE DRIVING AROUND WITH MY GIRLS! its always an adventure. we drove around the high school at least twenty times. lol. we went to dunkins to get coffee and food and stuff then squished back into lc's tiny civic and blasted music while driving to particularly no where. we ended up in chelsea. we kept almost going down one way streets. we're dumb. hah. twas a funny sight to see three white girls and two asian girls bumping and dancing to reggaeton in a car. i swear everyone we passed by was smirking at us. i just wanted to dance and have fun and sing, it didn't matter how stupid we looked or sounded. i loved it. by the way babee is never around when i wanna dance (-_____-) total fail on his part. i yelled at him for this and he said he'd make up for it on friday (:

today is ehhh. i have fashion show rehearsal after school so i'm gonna be here forever. i wanna sleeep. i just wanna cuddle up with babee and sleep forever. i'm excited for talent show though. thursday night!! woo! i don't know why i signed up to be a model for ally & lynn's fashion show thing cus i'm nervous as hell now but hey i'll live. it's gonna be fun right? right. babee won't be able to come see me thursday because the school is gayy and won't allow anyone else to come to the talent show, strictly for ehs students only. gayy.

why is it that when you're waiting for something to happen the days just go by even slower? it's been what, a total of four days that i haven't seen him? and already i'm missing him like crazy. we text each other all day, don't stop til we go to bed, then it starts all over again the next morning but that's still not enough for me. i wanna see him, always. i'm never happy until i'm in his arms. he's like my safety net and i'm always running to him. there's always this huge smile on my face whenever i talk to him and it's never been there before, i've never smiled so much before. he's changed me so much. i'm actually a happier person because of him. my god i love that boy.

friday needs to come pronto.

i love my baby, yup yup i love my boy ♥

xoxo,
marielle

i don't care what they say

2009-01-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

i'm in love with you,
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closing.
you cut me open and i keep bleeding love --♥

why oh why didn't i do anything when i had the chance? we were together friday, alone. just the two of us, in his room, with the lights off, on his couch, and we didn't do anything. well we cuddled but that's nothing new. he just gathered me up into his chest and we watched movies. twas very cutee and nice. i could hear his heart beating, when my head was on his chest, and it made me smile. i found it amazing. this boy, he's just, WOW.

my weekend was crap though. mother and i got into mad fights yo. they just keep getting worse and worse. and i keep asking myself, what did i do to make her so damn angry at me? she told me friday night that when i turn 18 that i better be moving out. she said that i had no respect for her. does she honestly think that? sometimes i feel like she regrets adopting me. no cut that, i know she regrets it. and i'm not really okay about knowing that.

sunday morning was bad. she said that i never do anything in the house anymore. that i was worthless to her. then she told me to look at her and when i did she said, "i hate you, get the hell out of my house." there was so much venom in her voice. like i did the worse thing to her. it hurt so bad. and i was ready to just leave. i texted steff and marcy and my cousin michelle asking if i could stay at their place for a while. i was crying on the phone with michelle. she was trying to talk me out of it, she told me to stick it out, that i was going to be outta there in a couple more months. but honestly i just can't stand it anymore. i can't be in that house anymore. i'm thoroughly done. on the way to work i told my dad cus he saw that something was up. i asked him if i could leave, even for just a week. obviously he said no. he refused to let me. sometimes i feel like my dad is the only one that loves me in that house. its going to be hard leaving when i know that my dad loves me, even though i'm adopted. i know he doesn't regret taking me in and sometimes that's all the comfort i need to just hold on and stick around for a while longer.

i have all the love i need: my friends-who are always there for me through thick and thin and deal with my drama, my dad-who always supports me and stands up for me, my cousins-who want what's best for me and who'll always stand by my side, and him-who always makes me laugh and smile and makes everything better when my world has gone to shit and pieces.

i love you all, SO MUCH, thank you.
it's been a looong weekend.

xoxo,
marielle

this is what i'll miss

2009-01-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

it honestly just hit me that i'm graduating this year. that's it for high school. its over. after this i start fresh, after this, i'm on my own.
wow that sounds so scary.

i remember coming into high school ready to face everything. i remember making myself promises that i know i didn't keep. i remember being so young and naive and clueless about how from this moment everything changes. i've lost and gained so much the past four years and its amazing that i'm still sane. i've dealt with so much, so damn much. starting from switching schools in eighth grade, leaving the whitttier was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i built my life there, that school, those kids, were like my second family and leaving all that? it was the worst. but the keverian taught me a lot. i met some pretty amazing people. people that i don't think i'll ever forget. these people know who they are. i don't know what i'd do without you guys in my life. you've held me up these four years and i love you guys for that. no matter what i promise that we'll never lose touch.

i've lost a lot of friends but i've gained a lot too. thank you for everyone that stuck around. it's been a struggling juggling my old friends and new ones but i try not to forget anyone. i just want you guys to know : i will always be here for you guys no matter what. you can run to me for anything and i'll sit and listen and help you fix things.

my family has been a big part of my life. no matter how screwed up it is i love them. my cousins: we haven't been as close as we used to be. we've all had our tiffs and arguments but you guys are my everything. I grew up looking up to you guys. and i still do. i envy all the courage you guys have for always doing your own thing and not caring what everyone else thinks. i love you guys. and i wish we all still had more time for each other but i know that we all have our own lives but honestly let's try to see each other more, do more cousinly bonding (:

my family in NC. i cannot thank you enough for everything you've done for me. from taking care of me as a baby up til now. you guys are always there no matter how far away you are. i love you always always always.

class is almost over so i'll edit later on.

[EDIT]

this is what i'll miss:
family parties when the whole family was over.
going places with my parents every weekend.
nights where i could actually fall asleep.
summer nights and bbq's.
never able to go anywhere with my cousins cus i was too young.
studies in school where i would do nothing.
just "hanging" out with friends.
walking around everett and getting lost.
walking around and being too see all my friends in school.
classes.
homework.
teachers.
dealing with drama, even though i hate it.
lounging around at home watching t.v.
my old friends and our memories.
my new friends and these memories.
the fights.
the tears.
the what if's, and's, but's, and maybe's.
fine arts, especially history class.
being young and innocent.
and so much more.

i'm ready to start over. i'm ready to leave all this behind. my is it scary but i'm ready. here's the new me:

xoxo,
marielle

baby it's fact

2009-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true --♥

tis a very strange morning. i woke up at 1am today just to see if there was snow on the ground. unfortunately there wasn't that much so i went back to bed praying for a big storm. and of courseee we didn't get one! 6:20am came way too quickly this morning. i woke up with a sore neck. it sucked. then the walk to school was fun. ya know, almost dying about five times is great. when i got to school my friend looked at me and went: "did you just get outta the shower?" oh yes i was that wet. because mother nature likes to decide to be a whore and have it rain/sleet/snow during my walk to school. (-_____-)

we were in homeroom til 8:30..why didn't they just give us a delay??! my gooodness. there was no point in that. 1st period was boring, i gossiped w/ my girly and got some homework from the night before done. 2nd period i had a calc quiz. i don't think i did too well..i hope i didn't fail though. i figured my honey had a delay cus he didn't text me early this morning like he usually does so i was bored without his morning sweetness :) he finally texted me while i was taking my quiz..my phone is so frikin loud when it vibrates. LOL. 3rd period english, we read hamlet..i was texting ruby about it and she decides that she's gonna spoil it for me and tell me that my favorite character : Ophelia drowns herself. NOOO! Ophelia is awesomeee. but of course all the awesome characters gotta go kill themselves eh?

so here i sit in 4th period photography blogging away since my teacher is too busy with art kids to teach us anything. i don't mind though. hmmmm, honey hasn't texted me back. must be busy busy. i haven't seen his since friday, i misses him. he said that he might come down today early before he has work @ 7. i hope i hope. i'm in dire need for one of his hugs (:

after school i'ma supposed to tutor vu for a bits with algebra 2 and hang out with ruby and then haircut @ 3:30! i get bored with my hair too easily. its not good, i'm supposed to be letting it grow out for prom but that obviously not happening since i'm hating long hair at the moment.

so far all is well. but i still have the whole rest of the day so we shall seee!

honeybunch i will never get tired of you and your sweet nothings. i love our talks at night, they make me giggle, especially the ones we've been having lately! i'm glad that things have finally calmed down between us, because i'm so scared to lose you. i'm not ready, i don't think i ever will be. and when you tell me you love me too my heart wants to burst. you always put this smile on my face and everyone can see that i'm happy. all because of you. i don't get how you're not tired of me yet but i hope you never do. iloveyou. always.

[EDIT]

ITS WET OUTSIDE! and! i don't get to see my honey today! RAWRR!
i haven't seen him since friday ):
booooo!

my hair is the samee only shorter.
sooo those pix will be up tomorrow hopefully (:

i misss my babycakessss

xoxo
marielle

All you need

2009-01-06T13:45:00.001-08:00

is love love,
love is all you need -♥

this is a quickie quickie!

ready? okay:

I love him!

YAY! Thank you for this happiness, thank you for making me smile again, thank you for loving me too. thank you for being patient with me, thank you for forgiving me when i'm being a needy bitch. thank you for always making me smile! You're amazing, you never cease to amaze me, and i promise you that if you choose me, i'll never let you down. I will always be this in love with you.

(-_____-)
i hatee that i'm this in love.
lol.

xoxo,
marielle

ps. i'm cutting my hair AGAIN tomorrow,
i'll post pictures!

And you feel so low

2009-01-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

no you can't feel nothing at all. -♥

i fear this. i fear that i'm going to lose him.
please don't take him away from me. he's my happiness right now.
he's my rock, my security blanket. i need him. i do i do i do.
i'm too attached. don't take that away.
i'm not ready to let go. i'm not ready to lose him.

i want forever. i'm willing to wait, willing to stick around.
screw pride and dignity. i want love, i want happiness.
i'd rather have that then pride and dignity!

i will wait with a patient heart until you see that i am everything you need.
i want you, i will always want you, i will never get tired of you, i love you.

this is me, right now.
i've dug myself my grave and all that dirt is being poured on top of me.

xoxo
marielle

and when the stars fall i will lie awake

2009-01-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

you're my shooting star --♥

happy new year kiddies!

my weeks has been pretty darn strange i must say. i mean the beginning of this week i was ready to let him go. Because i thought it was for the best, because i thought that it was what i wanted, because i thought that it was what i should do. But you know what i realized? That i'm in love, full on head over heels in love with this boy. and it amazes me. on tuesday i hung out with cutie at his house, we watched a movie..he didn't try anything, most of the time he tried to scare me and tickle me to death. then i got a very disturbing message from linnie saying that she & britt saw him and i instantly felt guilty for hanging with cutie. so i texted him to come walk me home, of course, he did :)
on the walk home he asked me what i did and who i was with and i couldn't respond, couldn't look him in the eye..i felt so darn guilty even though nothing happened!! well he walked me home and texted me after we said our goodbyes and we got to talking. and i sorta kinda told him i loved him..lol..okay i told him i loved him and he said it back! like said "I love you" and everything. IT WAS AMAZING!! my heart almost burst of happiness. then later on that night he called me to say goodnight and he said it again "I love you pumpkin"..goodness it was so cutee! i love him i love him and its crazy but i could care less! i'm happy, that's all that matters.

so new year's eve we had a party here at my house. twas quite a night i must say. the kids were crazy and jumping and screaming all over. so much food. SO MUCH FOOD. i ate all night...lol. i was a bit bored but me and honeybunch were texting each other the wholee night so he was entertaining me. OH! and did i mention that the "child" was over? oh yes, he was here. we hardly talked. said our hellos, how are you's, happy new year's, and goodbye's. but that was it. nope nope that child has no effect on me anymore. its a new year, all is forgotten and forgiven. if he'd like to start over and be friends then please be my guest because i am all for re-newing friendships this year (:

i've decided to forgive all the stupid boys that have hurt me. new year, new me. forgive & forget. that's how it's gonna be this year.

my goodness it feels good to be in love!
hope everyone had a good holiday!
toodles!

xoxo,
marielle ♥

the "L" word

2008-12-29T06:33:00.000-08:00

please tell me he did NOT say that. please tell me that he did NOT indirectly tell me that he loves me. love? what the hell is that?!! i don't know what that is anymore. goodness i almost hyperventilated!

it was an oh so sudden moment. and i'm trying to see if he really means it. he didn't say it directly, you know, "i love you." but i was saying something about how nobody loved me anymore on the phone saturday night and he said "na uh! i do!". so the whole night i tried to see if he really meant it.

*sigh

this does NOT work. whenever i try to pull away he pulls me even closer with those sweet nothings. i'm such a sucker for sweet talk. really, it's quite terrible.

i don't know what to do anymore. oh no oh no!

that other cute boy asked me to chill with him on tuesday, well tomorrow..alone..at his house..to watch movies. oh my!

(:

i asked my buddy who is also cute boy's buddy if he (cute boy), would try to make a move and buddy says, "knowing him, yeah he probably will."

oh my! what am i going to do?!! i'd like very much to get to know cute boy but i mean what shall i do about the child who indirectly told me that he loved me?!!
i get myself into terribe shenanigans. muy muy terrible!!

i'm a whore. lol. okay not really but that's what it's starting to sound like.
XD

xoxo,
marielle

it's funny but things are better off this way

2008-12-27T09:32:00.001-08:00

so this is gonna be a nice quick short one.

i've thoroughly had enough of all of this. i know that i deserve so much better and i'm going to go ahead and take his advice. i won't waste my time on you anymore. i'm perfectly okay with letting you go now. if you can't see that you have something good here then screw you. i'll find someone else to treat me better.

who knows, maybe i already have (:

we shall see we shall see.

i'm packing my bags cus i don't wanna be,
the only one that's drowning in their misery.
and i'll take that chance cus i just wanna breathe
and i won't look back or wonder how it's supposed to be..
--♥

letting go & falling apart. (i love my linnie)

2008-12-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

i am i am i am. am i ready? i don't know but i'm sure gonna find out.
i'd just like to say that i love my linnie & vu. they always always always make me feels better. especially with this whole situation.

they've been nothing but supportive. <333
here's how my morning went. thanks linie, i appreciate it.

LinnieBearJunk (8:29:50 AM): how'd the outing go?
secretsandagirl (8:30:00 AM): not good.
LinnieBearJunk (8:30:05 AM): :[
LinnieBearJunk (8:30:08 AM): what happened?
secretsandagirl (8:30:24 AM): i gotta end things linnie
LinnieBearJunk (8:30:41 AM): elaborate? :\
secretsandagirl (8:31:25 AM): ...okay..here goes.
secretsandagirl (8:31:45 AM): we didn't end up going to his house. his rents were being dumb and not telling him what time we could come over
secretsandagirl (8:31:51 AM): me and vu were gonna take a cab
secretsandagirl (8:31:55 AM): cab never showed up
secretsandagirl (8:32:09 AM): basically i wasted my day with vu..lol..
secretsandagirl (8:32:25 AM): ..i was just aggrivated at the whole situation
secretsandagirl (8:32:39 AM): then vu calls phum over..do you know phum?
LinnieBearJunk (8:32:50 AM): maybe i think he came over one day with vu
LinnieBearJunk (8:32:56 AM): cambodian?
secretsandagirl (8:32:59 AM): yeah
LinnieBearJunk (8:33:03 AM): okay yeah
secretsandagirl (8:33:19 AM): well he calls phum and i guess on the phone vu tells him that i'm over his house
secretsandagirl (8:33:39 AM): and phum goes "are you trying to get with her?" vu says no and phum goes "alright cool because i wanna"
secretsandagirl (8:33:58 AM): vu tells me this and i kinda get all frazzled cus i've always thought that phum was cute
secretsandagirl (8:34:18 AM): sooo phum arrives and he starts talking to me or rather tries to get me to talk and he's making me laugh
secretsandagirl (8:34:22 AM): and tickling me
secretsandagirl (8:34:39 AM): and he's kinda like holding on to my waist i guess?..and i dunno
secretsandagirl (8:34:43 AM): it was cute
secretsandagirl (8:34:59 AM): and so i tell vu that i'm interested in him..that i wanted to get to know him
secretsandagirl (8:35:10 AM): then monte decides that he's gonna show up at vu's before work
secretsandagirl (8:35:31 AM): and once he comes into the room phum backs away like far away and tension fills the room
secretsandagirl (8:35:53 AM): and like i kinda don't wanna be near him so i'm sitting in the middle of the bed not really paying any attention to him
secretsandagirl (8:36:05 AM): and he scootches over so he's closer to me
secretsandagirl (8:36:17 AM): and puts his arm around me...AWKWARD as shiiit man.
LinnieBearJunk (8:36:24 AM): oh my
secretsandagirl (8:36:26 AM): like i was gonna leave
secretsandagirl (8:36:37 AM): but i decided to stay..cus of phum..i guess.
secretsandagirl (8:36:39 AM): and like
secretsandagirl (8:37:03 AM): monte just kept trying to get me to cuddle and come closer to him but i just wasn't into it right then and there..
secretsandagirl (8:37:10 AM): ..and like he leaves and i stay
secretsandagirl (8:37:20 AM): and him and vu are talking on aim after he leaves
secretsandagirl (8:37:42 AM): and he asks vu if i'm still there. and vu looks at me and goes "you want me to tell him the truth or lie?"
secretsandagirl (8:37:48 AM): of course i told him to tell the truth
secretsandagirl (8:38:00 AM): and monte goes "oh she's probably digging phum"
secretsandagirl (8:38:14 AM): and all three of us look at each other and are like "oh shit."
secretsandagirl (8:38:28 AM): and we send him an im saying "oh why would you think that?"
secretsandagirl (8:38:36 AM): and monte goes "oh i was just kidding"
secretsandagirl (8:38:42 AM): but..obviously..i don't think he was
LinnieBearJunk (8:39:03 AM): in jo jo's words... he's just a little too late
secretsandagirl (8:39:20 AM): sorta..i mean i've been nothing but patient thorught this situation
secretsandagirl (8:39:36 AM): i've made excuses for him. i've gotten into fights with my friends for him.
secretsandagirl (8:39:41 AM): i haven't asked for anything
secretsandagirl (8:39:51 AM): any other girl woulda given him an ultimatum by now
secretsandagirl (8:39:53 AM): and i haven't
secretsandagirl (8:39:59 AM): because i care about him so damn much
secretsandagirl (8:40:06 AM): i tell him how i feel every single day
secretsandagirl (8:40:19 AM): and not once has he actually told me that he likes me.
LinnieBearJunk (8:40:26 AM): ..seriously?
secretsandagirl (8:40:29 AM): like fuk man.
secretsandagirl (8:40:36 AM): honestly..i can't sit here and wait forever
secretsandagirl (8:40:50 AM): if you can't even fuking break up with ur girl for me what's the point in keeping me around?
LinnieBearJunk (8:41:03 AM): mhm
secretsandagirl (8:41:31 AM): getting to know phum last night and him showing interest in me, it showed me that i could have better
secretsandagirl (8:41:50 AM): monte needs to see that he can lose me
secretsandagirl (8:41:55 AM): that he is losing me
secretsandagirl (8:42:11 AM): if he doesn't figure his shiit out soon and i mean SOON. then i'm gone.
LinnieBearJunk (8:42:18 AM): amen sistah
secretsandagirl (8:42:26 AM): i'm tired of being on the verge of an emotional breakdown because of him
secretsandagirl (8:42:31 AM): i'm tired of the mood swings.
secretsandagirl (8:42:37 AM): i'm tired of feeling like shiit.
secretsandagirl (8:42:52 AM): i'm tired of not being "the" girl and being the "other' girl
LinnieBearJunk (8:43:00 AM): Amen.
LinnieBearJunk (8:43:04 AM): lol
LinnieBearJunk (8:43:07 AM): no but seriously
secretsandagirl (8:43:23 AM): like it just really hurts right now.
secretsandagirl (8:43:38 AM): you see me, you hear me talk about this. this boy makes me so damn happy.
secretsandagirl (8:43:49 AM): but i want more, no, i NEED more from him.
secretsandagirl (8:44:00 AM): either he makes me his main girl or i can't be in his life
secretsandagirl (8:44:14 AM): i can't be sharing him with his GIRLFRIEND
LinnieBearJunk (8:44:18 AM): for real
secretsandagirl (8:45:28 AM): gosh. i'm trying so hard not to cry over this.
secretsandagirl (8:45:37 AM): its just so hard.
secretsandagirl (8:45:45 AM): because i know if i let go he won't fight for me
secretsandagirl (8:45:54 AM): i know he won't and that hurts.
LinnieBearJunk (8:46:01 AM): oh hun
LinnieBearJunk (8:46:04 AM): its okay
LinnieBearJunk (8:46:11 AM): i know you put a lot of time into this guy
LinnieBearJunk (8:46:27 AM): but it goes to show that the crap with him wont change.
LinnieBearJunk (8:46:35 AM): i know you're upset. but it gets worse before it gets better
LinnieBearJunk (8:46:56 AM): so maybe this whole situation will be his downfall or your victory. either way you'll be on top
LinnieBearJunk (8:47:05 AM): cause he doesnt know what he's losing. he had an amazing girl at his fingertips
LinnieBearJunk (8:47:14 AM): and he wouldnt have even known if a bus had hit him
LinnieBearJunk (8:47:39 AM): its his loss. BY far, without a question.
secretsandagirl (8:47:48 AM): i mean i deserve better than this right?
secretsandagirl (8:47:54 AM): i deserve to be happy too.
LinnieBearJunk (8:47:54 AM): of course you do, are you kidding me?
secretsandagirl (8:48:09 AM): i deserve a guy who'll know what he wants..someone that'll appreciate me.
LinnieBearJunk (8:48:17 AM): yes.
LinnieBearJunk (8:48:20 AM): fully.
LinnieBearJunk (8:48:22 AM): without a doubt.
LinnieBearJunk (8:48:39 AM): you need someone who can be there heart, mentally, physically.
secretsandagirl (8:49:03 AM): goddamit..stupid tears..
secretsandagirl (8:49:14 AM): i wanna be strong enough to let go..
LinnieBearJunk (8:49:17 AM): obviously. monte doesnt want to give it away
LinnieBearJunk (8:49:21 AM): you will be hun
LinnieBearJunk (8:49:25 AM): dont worry about that
LinnieBearJunk (8:49:30 AM): everything will work out
secretsandagirl (8:49:52 AM): and what sucks even more is that i know when i let go we can't even be friends..i mean how could we be?
secretsandagirl (8:49:58 AM): it'll just be awkward.
secretsandagirl (8:50:12 AM): i want so bad for things to be the same but i know that they hafta change
secretsandagirl (8:50:25 AM): he hasta change for me or i can't be a part of his life.
LinnieBearJunk (8:50:41 AM): we all have to go through some sort of sacrifice.
secretsandagirl (8:50:46 AM): he hasta pick who means more to him..or who he'd rather lose.
LinnieBearJunk (8:50:51 AM): if he really wanted you in his life.. for good. he would do something about it
secretsandagirl (8:51:21 AM): like last night with phum..he was just so damn easy to talk to
secretsandagirl (8:51:32 AM): he knew what he wanted he was making me smile and laugh
secretsandagirl (8:51:38 AM): hell he's already asked me out!
LinnieBearJunk (8:51:47 AM): seriously?
LinnieBearJunk (8:51:55 AM): that boy moves fast girl
LinnieBearJunk (8:51:55 AM): lol
secretsandagirl (8:52:01 AM): yeah..he asked me to go to the movies with him
secretsandagirl (8:52:02 AM): lol
secretsandagirl (8:52:19 AM): vu told me that the first time he saw me he said i was cute and that he wanted to get to know me.
secretsandagirl (8:52:27 AM): he said "if monte doesn't get with her, i am."
LinnieBearJunk (8:52:34 AM): aww
LinnieBearJunk (8:52:35 AM): :]
secretsandagirl (8:52:46 AM): likee jeez..i didn't even know..am i really that cute?
secretsandagirl (8:52:48 AM): lol
LinnieBearJunk (8:52:52 AM): yes.
LinnieBearJunk (8:52:54 AM): lol
LinnieBearJunk (8:53:08 AM): not when you make fun of me
LinnieBearJunk (8:53:11 AM): but .. in general yes
secretsandagirl (8:53:58 AM): haahaha
secretsandagirl (8:54:06 AM): i make fun of you because i love you!
LinnieBearJunk went away at 8:54:39 AM.
LinnieBearJunk (8:54:44 AM): mhm
LinnieBearJunk (8:54:48 AM): right im sure thats the reason
LinnieBearJunk (8:54:49 AM): its okay though :]
secretsandagirl (8:54:59 AM): lol! it is!

Auto Response from LinnieBearJunk (8:55:00 AM): writing. bookstore. work til 7ish maybe 8 idk.

*jerry you should've called me last night you goon.*
cell's good. always.
<3 gawd you make me smile foreverr.

LinnieBearJunk (8:55:21 AM): mhm
secretsandagirl (8:56:17 AM): ...oh man.
secretsandagirl (8:56:42 AM): ima give it another couple of weeks..start drifting away from him. see what he does, how he reacts.
secretsandagirl (8:56:51 AM): then smack him the face with an ultimatum
LinnieBearJunk (8:57:20 AM): babe.. if he doesnt start noticing in the next week... we have a problem.
LinnieBearJunk (8:57:23 AM): we had a problem form the start girl
LinnieBearJunk (8:57:26 AM): dont take shit.
LinnieBearJunk (8:57:33 AM): not now. not after you've realized all this.
secretsandagirl (8:58:21 AM): i know. i just hope he doesn't try to sweet talk me..like he always does, this time i won't fall!
LinnieBearJunk (9:00:32 AM): you'll be fine
LinnieBearJunk (9:00:45 AM): like i said just think aobut what has happened
secretsandagirl (9:01:04 AM): okiiee
LinnieBearJunk (9:04:25 AM): you'll be fine. you're strong, :]. you'll come out on top, don't worry.
secretsandagirl (9:04:38 AM): i hopess
LinnieBearJunk (9:04:49 AM): you will
LinnieBearJunk (9:04:54 AM): nothing is easy. but yet you stick to it.
LinnieBearJunk (9:04:59 AM): it'll be okay
secretsandagirl (9:05:21 AM): i'm holding my breathe and hoping it turns out well
LinnieBearJunk (9:05:56 AM): im a somewhat believer in everything happens for a reason
LinnieBearJunk (9:06:02 AM): maybe its a crock of shit
LinnieBearJunk (9:06:13 AM): but shit happens. you grow. you learn. you become better.
LinnieBearJunk (9:06:25 AM): either way, well or shitty. you'll be absolutely better.
secretsandagirl (9:06:55 AM): okay..maybe phum will be able to treat me betteer than monte (:
LinnieBearJunk (9:07:39 AM): :]
LinnieBearJunk (9:07:52 AM): thats why its called dating before a real relationship
secretsandagirl (9:08:19 AM): OOH! is that how that goes?
secretsandagirl (9:08:19 AM): lol
secretsandagirl (9:08:32 AM): i wouldn't know, i haven't been on a date in a whilee...
LinnieBearJunk (9:08:41 AM): you'll be okilie dokilie
LinnieBearJunk (9:08:43 AM): no worries
secretsandagirl (9:09:18 AM): hehe. i can't believe phum thoughts i was cute (:
secretsandagirl (9:09:21 AM): i'm flattered
LinnieBearJunk (9:09:56 AM): :]
LinnieBearJunk (9:09:57 AM): hehe
secretsandagirl (9:10:16 AM): that kid is smooth man!
LinnieBearJunk (9:10:22 AM): aha
secretsandagirl (9:10:38 AM): you shoulda seen him..he was like holding my hand and feeding me and tickling me..
secretsandagirl (9:10:41 AM): jeez..that boy..
LinnieBearJunk (9:12:01 AM): feeding?
LinnieBearJunk (9:12:02 AM): hahaha
LinnieBearJunk (9:12:59 AM): ugh fuck i gotta go
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:04 AM): call me if you need me okay?
secretsandagirl (9:13:08 AM): LOL..okay i shall
secretsandagirl (9:13:12 AM): thanks linnie.
secretsandagirl (9:13:13 AM): ily
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:15 AM): of course
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:18 AM): you know im always here for you
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:19 AM): :]
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:21 AM): ily2!
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:23 AM): be safe
secretsandagirl (9:13:28 AM): you too!
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:30 AM): i shall
LinnieBearJunk (9:13:38 AM): ciao bella
secretsandagirl (9:13:45 AM): bye mi amor!

late nights & early mornings

2008-12-23T05:15:00.000-08:00

can i just say that i do indeed love talking to him (:
why yes yes yes i do i do i do.
we stayed up til like 3am talking yesterday..or this morning or whatever you get it.
when he called me 'round 10:30 i was a bit annoyed because some boy was pissing me off..we three wayed with vu and the whole time i just wouldn't talk. they were off in their own little worlds as usual playing video games so i just let them be. but then 'round tweleve and i was still a little peeved but he managed to make me smile.

we started talking bout the whole marines thing again and he was like "i was so sure that i was going but then i started talking to you and now i'm not so sure"

i did that? i made him change his mind? we talked about how it would be three months without contact..and he was telling me how he would write me thousands of letters and i told him it wouldn't be the same as hearing his voice. he agreed and was like, "three months without miss marielle? i dunno if i can do that." my heart spazzed. and then he told me he'd kidnap me for those three months, take me with him and such. made me giggle. that is not a possibility. i don't think i could hide in his suitcase for three months. lol.

and the i was like oh i don't get how you can stay on the phone w/ me for so long and he was like "why do you think" so of course i played dumb and was like "i dunno, you tell me." and he said, "it's because i love talking to you" i had the biggest smile on my face!!

he's so darn cute cute cute. i dunno what i'm gonna do with myself. this boy. my goodness this boy.

today we're suppose to hang out. i'm suppose to go see him at his casa. i'm nervous nervous. but excited all at the same time. gosh i just wanna kiss him. maybe i will today? we'll seeee!

i'm so happy it's insane.

xoxo,
marielle (:

I wanted to be giving you everything she's not giving

2008-12-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

You turned out to be more than I bargained for
And I can tell that you need to get away
Forgive me if I admit that I'd love to love you
We both realized it way too late -♥

I was talking to my steffy today and we both realized that the world is ending. See me and steffy are pretty much good with guys and usually well, all the time we're the ones in control. We never let the guy be in control, but lately, we've been pretty much falling. And we're both scared of getting hurt again. We're always missing these boys and always smiling because of them. Everyone around us is noticing how happy we've been lately and its scary. I mean me & steffy, we're hardly ever happy with guys, we always have problems and situations and complications, i'm not saying we're not having any of those right now but we've been happy. That hardly ever happens that both of us are happy.

Yesterday was nice. He kept wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. I ended up smelling like hiss cologne all day (:
He walked me to work and the snow was crazy. He had his arm around me the whole time, holding me close to him so I kept warm, he even offered me his jacket, which i refused..i didn't want him to freeze..but the gesture made me smile. OH! and this boy never wears gloves, he always forgets, and his hand was probably ready to freeze off when we were walking but he wouldn't take his arm off from around me. It was so cute! This boy..I don't know what he does to me. He's got me under a spell. I'm afraid to let go, I'm so afraid to lose him. He's the reason why I've been so happy. Please don't take that away. Not yet, no ever.

This world is coming to an end. I swear I'm gonna die in all this snow.

xoxo,
marielle (:

xoxo

2008-12-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

Belong to me
Because tonight
You make my world feel right
Yeah it's you and me
It's you and me
It's you and me tonight
Tonight
It's you and me tonight
Hey schoolboy -♥

I'm in one of those tralala moods. I mean today is turning out to be pretty damn good. No school and I get to see honeybunch today? It couldn't be any more perfect. Well except for the fact that I gots work tonight. But at long as I get to see him I'm all good.

I should really get going on x-mas gifts for people shouldn't I? I've had no time whatsoever though. It kinda sucks. At least I know what I'm getting everyone. For mommy I'ma get her her favorite Chanel perfume, daddy: a hoodie, honeybunch: a hoodie/shirt & gloves, steffy: well..i dunno yet, marcy: i don't know yet, and the little ones I'll probably get them something they can play with.

Then there's the whole OH my two cousins birthdays are this month too. For ian i'm getting a johnny cupcakes shirt which means i'll most likey get jeff & brian one too. ssssh don't tell them!

I probably shouldn't be posting what i'm getting everyone online. They'll come across this ..or maybe they won't.

I don't want anything this year. Which is really amazing. I always want something. buut i guess not this year.

okie i'm done w/ this quickie.
i'll update on my little adventure today tomorrow or something.

peeace kiddies,
marielle (:

oh boy this is NOT good.

2008-12-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

You say the sweetest things
And I can’t keep my heart from singing
Along to the sound of your song
My stupid feet keep moving. -♥

oh boy oh boy oh boy. this is not good not good not good. so i've been lying to myself. i've been trying to convince myself that i am not falling in love with this boy. but my goodness have i been wrong! headoverheels. its simply terrifying me. i don't think i've fallen this hard for anyone in a long time. and now i am? this hit me like a big yellow school bus. ooof.

i was in line for lunch today and talking to marcy and i was telling her how i was a greedy child, how i craved for his company, and how i always seem to miss him always, and the words "i love him" slipped from my mouth. i was completely shocked that i said it. omgomgomg. i love him? no no no. i do not! its too soon for that!! too soon! i don't want it! take it away!!

i can't even breathe while i'm typing this. oh jeez. this boy has me in the palm of his hand. at any time he could decide that he doesn't want me. and then what do i do? i fall apart again? oh no thanks. i'd rather not fall apart because of this boy again. i've already done that and i don't wanna do it again. nope nope nope.

i've put myself in a bit of a situation. this boy is taking me by surprise.

xoxo,
mariellee (:

you will be the death of me

2008-12-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

i wanted freedom, bound and restricted, i tried to give you up but i'm addicted
yeah you will suck the life outta me...

so i really need vacation to come, like now pleeease! i'm sick of school, can you say senioritis? oh, i can! SENIOR-I-TIS!

there's really been nothing going on lately. its the same thing everyday and then i go home, talk to honeybunch, and then wait for him to call me at night. he's probably the most interesting part of my day :)
yessum.

he wants to teach me how to ice skate! i'm afraid that ima bust my ass though. but he says he'll catch me if i fall. nicee eh? mhmm mhmm he's cute. i just wanna cuddle cuddle cuddle. its been so cold lately and all i want is to stay nice and warm in his arms. once a week is not enough for me, i wanna see him always. i'm a needy child.

i'm sooo looking forward to new years!! yay! i love a fresh start.
anyone have any resolutions yet?

kay i'm done with this quickiee.

xoxo
marielle!

i hate this part right here,

2008-12-14T09:04:00.000-08:00

i hate this part right here,
i just can't take these tears,
i hate this part right here.

so i'm completely obsessed with that song. yep yep yep.
nothing's been going on lately. same old stuff, wish i could blog some more but i would be blogging about the same thing. the boy, the life, ehh.

peeace kiddies
xoxo

happiness is easily disturbed

2008-12-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

i'd just like to say this. we all strive to find happiness. but what we sometimes don't realize is that when we do find happiness, we always end up disturbing someone else's happiness. i mean please, be my guest, go and be happy, just be careful how you go about being happy, just be aware of whose happiness you're disturbing.

i'm still striving to find my happiness. i mean he makes me happy, but i'd be happier if he was mine. he asked me today: if you could have one wish what would it be? i told him to go first and he wished that he told me how he felt about me in eighth grade. hmmm, i wonder what would've happened if he did. would we be together? or not? i dunno, maybe things wouldn't be this difficult. i told him that i wished he was mine. but hey, we don't always get what we wish for right?

i'm not perfect. i have flaws, i make mistakes. but when it comes to him, he lets me be exactly the way i am. its quite nice. i should let go already but as of now, he's my happiness. and i know i'm disturbing her happiness but i haven't been this happy in a while so i could care less.

tonight i see him :)
tonight we go see Antigone @ the high school.
tonight tonight tonight.
i wish i had forever..

xoxo
marielle

this is me venting.

2008-12-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

you're tongue-tied
you choke upon the words you long to say
you know it's over
but we're trying anyway.
i feel like you're not here with me
in this diner tonight,
but you're right there in front of me
trying to make everything alright.
i'm getting tired of these issues
getting tired of trying to get through to you,
and i'm scared of this moment
knowing that this goodbye is overdue.
she's got this hold on you now
and you can't seem to let go,
so you're pulling and pushing me in opposite directions
and it's hurting me so.
we'll take one step forward
then two steps back,
is she all you ever wanted
or do I make up for the things that she lacks?
we're holding on to this moment
but what are we holding on for?
I'm sitting here trying to gather up some courage
to just walk out that door.
maybe this is what it feels like to be in love
but you're not giving it your all,
now i've slipped through your grasp
and spiraling back into the fall.

yes, this is me venting.
gosh that feels good.

Here comes the storm

2008-12-08T13:03:00.000-08:00

I think that a little rain cloud follows me around and downpours on me whenever something goes wrong.

You know what I feel like right now? I feel like I'm in the same place I was a month ago. Being pushed and pulled in opposite directions, and I'm breaking. I'm trying to convince myself that this isn't what I want, that this isn't what I need, that this is all very unhealthy. I wanna let go but my heart's still holding on.

Never has anyone had such a big hold on me. I've never been this attached, ever. Why now? Why him? Here's my buddy's conclusion: "You're falling in love." But I don't believe in that anymore. Falling? I don't fall anymore, or at least I try not to. Maybe I'm free falling off a really big cliff or an endless abyss. I don't know who'll catch me in the end or if anyone's going to be at the bottom at all.

Maybe it's time that I learn to catch myself.

Here's what I know: I love being in his arms/having his arm around me. Saturday was amazing. The whole day/afternoon we cuddled and he had his arm around me.

But today, now, I feel like there's a huge storm coming and I dunno if I'm going to stay safe under some shelter or get caught in the storm.

We take one step forward and two steps back.

those butterflies in my stomach..

2008-12-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

..they could eat me alive.

He's catching me as I'm falling off of this really big cliff and it feels amazing. Never have I been so happy. Never has anything gone so bad and then gone so good in a matter of what, three weeks? I was so afraid for the longest time that it was all in my head, that it was a one sided thing but it's not. He still feels the way he did the first time, meaning he still has feelings for me, just like I still want him.

Is that bad? All this wanting and all this longing? I don't think I've ever trusted someone with my heart so much especially when that someone has already hurt me. But I trust him completely with my heart. Because he shows me that he cares, that he wants what I want. He's everything I've asked for and more. He's sweet, he calls me every night, he makes time to come see me, he talks to me whenever I'm online, he makes me feel better after a crappy day, and the smallest things that he says makes me smile. My world could be falling apart and all I have to do is talk to him to make everything right again. It's nice. It's the best feeling in the world and I love it.

For so long I was afraid that he wasn't going to chose me again. That he would choose her all over and just let me hurt. But with the way things are going right now, I feel as if he's already chosen me even though their break isn't official yet. Sure it's bad that we were talking while he still has a gf but I really don't care anymore. It's over between them, he said it himself, he said that he saw it coming. I know that there's no excuse for all this, for this madness, for what I've been doing. I know that it's wrong but when you feel this strongly about someone, when you feel the way I do right now, all you really care about is your happiness. I haven't cared about my happiness in a really long time. I deserve to be happy don't I? And now I am. So frankly I could care less if I'm hurting someone while trying to be happy. Right now I care about myself, yes, I'm going to be selfish. For once I am going to be selfish.

I'm heels over head. Falling falling falling. And he's catching me :)

xoxo
Marielle

Things that I've decided on

2008-12-03T05:24:00.000-08:00

1. I really don't give a damn what anyone says to me anymore.
For once I am happy and content with what's been going on and if people can't deal with that then screw them. Honestly kiddies, I'm happy, why can't you just accept that and shut your mouth? I don't need you whispering in my ear and putting doubts in my head.

Guess what? I trust him, completely and fully. I trust that he's not going to hurt me. I've finally got the nerve to tell him everything that I've been holding back and he listened and understood. I'm waiting around for him to make up his mind, no matter how long it takes. I want him to make decisions for himself. If he's going to choose me, I want him to choose me because he wants to, not because I asked him to. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it. Screw everyone else and their crappy opinions on my situaions.

2. I'm done with fixing things with people when they're the ones that did me wrong.
When it comes to situations and I end up getting hurt I always end up being the one to fix the problem, even though I didn't cause the problem, even though it's not my fault. Well now, I'm fed up. I'm sick of people saying shit to me and thinking that it's okay and then never apologizing for it. I don't care how good of friends we are, you hurt me, you know how sensitive I am with this whole boy situation and I expected at least a bit of sympathy especially from you. You outta all people should understand how I feel and the way you said those things yesterday, well it hurt a lot. And frankly I'm through with always having to fix up the situation even though you screwed up.

3. I'm sick of this school year already.
All I want is for June 3rd to come around so I can begin my new life. I'm through with high school. I just wanna turn 18 and run away to Guam. lol.

4. People suck and I let them get to me too much. Well I've decided not to anymore. I'm better off not listening to what they have to say to me. I know what I want, I know what's best for me so back off. Just shut your mouth because I'm through listening.
(I sound angrier then I really am. I'm not actually, I've just really had enough of everyone's bs)

SOOOO yep. These are the four things that I've decided on.
Therapy therapy therapy. That is what this blog is.

Toodles!
Marielle

Wishful Thinking?

2008-12-01T05:14:00.000-08:00

soo i wish i could see him every single day. that way i'd always have a reason to smile :)

i guess i'll start with thursday night?
well i saw that "child" that i dislike so very much..gah..i felt like he was staring at me the whole night, his eyes were burning holes right through me. he was being a jerk to his little brother and i wanted to smack him! you SHOULD NOT make a little kid cry, that's just mean maan. i spent the night avoiding him and waiting waiting waiting for my lover to call mee. then when i decided to retire downstairs i said goodbye to the kiddies and the "child" goes: "oh what, you don't say 'bye' to me anymore?" i looked at him as if he had completely lost his mind and walked away. i'm so over that situation, honestly dude if i don't wanna say 'goodbye' to you then i won't, deal with it. you don't talk to me the whole night, don't even try, and you expect me to say 'bye' to you? whateverrr.

friday- i woke up late so no shopping. i spent the morning knitting and helping momma clean boxes up and put em in the basement. and theen my lover said he'd walk me to work so i was waiting for 3 o'clock to come around. i went over steffy's for a bit to catch up with her and trade thanksgiving stories. we talked for like half an hour or so then he called me and i went to go meet up with him. walks to work with him are nice :) we have these comfortable silences, it's relaxing and jazz. work was actually errr sorta busy on friday but slowed down around like 7?..i got bored. when i got home it was straight to bed for meee! i took a little nap before he called me and we were up til like 1ish.

saturday- amazing fun day! me and steffy went out out out to get him his present. we went to the expressionz store in chelsea and got him a nice hoodie :) steff was ready to slit my throat the whole timee..hehe..i was indecisive about what to get him and then steff had to go and tell the guys working at the store that i was shopping for my "boyfriend"..which is not....yet :D
then me & steffy took el autobus to target where i finally got my new belt that i've been wanting & also went to michaels (sp?) to get more knitting yarn. afterwards he called me and steffy and i jettted home so i could go get his present and give it to him. he looved it!! i was so happy, i was afraid he wasn't going to like it and he did. i couldn't stop smiling. he, of course, walked me to work. we were early so we sat on the bench outside for a bit, i was tired to he lent me his shoulder :)
work was sooo frigggin slow meng. i was boredd outta my damn mind. soo when i went home i went to bed and waited for his call. we talked til 1 again..as usual about nothing..haha. i still can't believe he's not tired of me yet. it's niceee.

sunday- probably the highlight of my weekend!! i went to work early..suppose to go from 10-3pm. buhhh they cut my hours and i got outta work @1. soo i met up with him & vu so we could hang out. it was his birthday :) he wore the hoodie i got him!!! it was cute and made mee happy. it was crappy weather outside though: raining/hailing. we wanted to watch a movie but netflix was being gay. lol. so we ate and watched superbad. i got to cuddle with him. and then he walked me home in the rain. i felt bad because he was getting soaked! i told him to come under my umbrella cus it was big enough for the both of us but he was being stubborn. when he did come under it though he put his arm around me and we walked like that for a while :) i made some progress. hehe. the rest of the night was a blur..spent knitting, teevee, and being bored. he called me a little later on that night and we talked about new years and stuff. he's spending newyr's w/ me & my fam..which is nerve-racking but i'm a tad bit excited for it. and of course we talked about the marines thing. i don't want him to go. i made that very clear to him..i don't want him to go off and leave me for 3 months. i don't think i can go 3 months w/out talking to him. we talk every single night sooo three month w/out talking is going to be hell. all i want is to have him here this summer, with me. he's thinking about tech school if he doesn't go into the marines which sounds better to me but he's still undecided. i'm hoping i can help him make up his mind. i hope that i'll play a factor on why he should stay. i wanna be the reason why he sticks around. marcy thinks he does stay that i probably will end up being the reason why...i hopes soo.

ahh. so that was my vaca. and now it's monday and i'm in study first period typing away. it's rainy again. and i have a newspaper meeting afterschool which i don't wanna attend. rawrr. but i should..seeing that i am the managing editor..lol.

i'll leave you guys with some lyrics:
..When I look at you I find something that's new, all I want is you, cross my heart and hope for it, I swear I won't forget you. -Automatic Loveletter (Don't make it so)

have a good one kiddies!

gobble gobble

2008-11-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

happy thanksgiving kiddies :)
hope you're stuffeed today/tonight!!!

soo he's cute :D
last night/early this morning we were talking about a picture he took of mee! and i told him to delete it and he was like:

"nooo! you look so cute in it! you're too cute for your own good!"

my heart did a backflip when he said that.
teehee.

i should stop, i mean really, it's getting ridiculous.
:D

gahh! i can't stop smiling!
well well okay i'm outties! have a good onee!

this rain is soothing

2008-11-25T12:12:00.001-08:00

Dream away every day, try so hard to disregard the rhythm of the rain that drops and coincides with the beating of my heart. -Maroon 5 (Sweetest Goodbye)

last night i asked him if he was getting tired of me and he said, "No way, is that even possible?"

:D

then later on that night we were on the phone and i asked him if he was tired, told him that he should go to sleep and he said, "Noooo! I wanna stay on the phone with you forever."

i think i had a heart spasm when he said these things to me. jeez i'm going crazy. i've been going to bed smiling for the past five nights. all because of him. goodness goodness. he's sweeet. too bad he isn't mine.

You are my favorite mistake

2008-11-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

I love: that you call me miss madam, it's awfully cute ;)
hearing your voice on the phone
that you IM me whenever i'm onliine
that you can always make me smile
that somehow you make everything better when we talk
that you can stay on the phone w/me for hrs talking about absolutely nothing.

I hate: that you're not mine
& not knowing how you feel about me.

I'm falling, falling faster, and at the end of this fall, will you be there to catch me?

I've finally given in to my senses

2008-11-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

gah. who knows, lately i've been feeling like crap. it's been non-stop fighting w/ the booy and then non-stop fighting w/ my momma. i've had enough of all of this screaming, arguing, crying, et cetera et certera. honestly i've pushed up against the wall too many times this week, it seems like everyone around me is going insane.

and i've been indecisive about so many things: getting a haircut or growing out my hair, spending my money on myself for once or saving it like momma wants me too, working or seeing the twilight movie, giving up and letting go of the boy or fixing things with him, to not talk to that other boy or keep this whole tango thing going.

honestly my past like four posts have been me whining on how i dunno what to do or me beind sad and confused because of him. it's bad, i know, but i just can't help it. whenever i feel like this, i need to get it out before i burst. ya know? this whole blog thing is my therapy. since i don't feel like saying all of it out loud. sometimes i think that my friends get tired of me complaining about how boys confuse me. i can hear the annoyed tones and i just don't wanna bother them with my problems anyways.

sooo, to update on this whole boy thing. the one with the gf and such? well we talk on AIM almost always. whenever i'm on he ims me and we chat about our day. sometimes he says the sweetest things to me, but then its like when he realizes what he's saying he turns around and puts me in the "friend-zone". fuckmylife. he pushes and pulls me and i'm sick of it. i wanna just let go. stop talking to him or something but i cannot help it. ya digg? plus what really irks me: he puts me in his away messages. i mean doesn't his gf notice this, doesn't she question it?!! isn't she at least a tiny itsy bit curious on why her bf has another girl on his away? i mean c'mon woman!!! at least question this!!! meh. he even uses my NAME in his away..i mean if you're gonna put me in your away, at least be a little more discreet about it..stupid boy. stupid stupid boy.

btw. i gave in, i cut my hair again. i was sick of my long layers so i went to the salon near my house and got a nicee chop. it's a bit shorter with pretty threeeinch layers. i'll post some pictures a tad bit later.

oh! and i've finished my first ever scarf. yes, i learned how to knit. and it's wonderful and calming. my scarf is preetty darn kickass if i must say so myself.

okie dokies. i'm done for now.
toodles kiddies, hope your week has been better than mine!

looove looove loove,
marielle

i'm the most indecisive person you'll ever meet

2008-11-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

i'm completely torn between being happy and doing the right thing.
he makes me undeniably happy but him making me happy is so wrong.
i mean, he's not mine and i'm not his so why are we doing this stupid dance?
i want so much to let go of him, to just go my own way, but every time i try he pulls me back in, back into the whirlwind of lying and faking and messing everything good up.

i get trapped every time i talk to him. every time he tells me that his day brightens when he talks to me. every little comment he makes makes my insides melt..it makes me give up on wanting to do the right thing altogether. if wanting him is so wrong then i don't wanna be right. he makes everything okay when we talk..my day could be hell but when i talk to him everything is perfect.

i make the wrong decisions all the time. i make the same mistakes all the time. and i don't learn. ever.

i'm not ready to completely let go of everything. i wanna be wrong and feel this way. if this all means getting hurt again then so be it..i'd rather make this mistake then to lose him like that forever, than to wonder what could've been if i hadn't made this mistake.

i'm still stuck in the same position i was stuck in a couple months ago, and it sucks.

when will i ever learn?

Some Very Good Advice

2008-11-10T05:40:00.000-08:00

after a very crappy weekend spent fighting, crying, moping around, and working, i'm finally okay. i don't understand why i let people get to me so much. these past six months i've gotten hurt by maybe almost everyone close to me and this saturday i finally broke down. i've been holding back these tears for the past couple of months and saturday just completely broke me open. i finally let go, i finally just let it all out. i've never cried so much, so hard in one day. and it never felt so good. i'm sick of apologies and excuses being constantly said to me. 'i'm sorry' just doesn't cut it anymore. those two words are never going to mean anything, they're never going to help take things back. please stop apologizing, i'm so freakiin' over it.

the good to this weekend: i got some very good advice taht i'd like to share with all you bloggers:
"There's always going to be someone out there that's going to break your heart, but it's your decision on whether or not you wanna let them."

have a good one kiddies,
M

story of my friggin life

2008-11-09T07:42:00.000-08:00

so i meet a guy. he's amazing & nice but he has a gf. we talk/flirt, we both end up having feelings for each other.

but then, he either:
1. completely leads me on
2. breaks up w/his girl & then gets back together w/her.
3. breaks my heart altogether.

yeah yeah yeah. i'm over it.
f-it. i'm so through with all of this stupid bs.
i give.

he makes me smile :D

2008-11-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

so much to blog about but i don't wanna.
soon maybe maybe.

all i can say is that i am so friggin happy!
all because of him.
he makes me smileee so much.

gosh am i happy.

hunny you're my favorite, always :)

what i did friday night

2008-11-02T07:21:00.001-08:00

senior dress up day was fun. it was pretty cool to have all the attention on the seniors all day. the lower classmen gawked at us as if they've never seen people dressed up for halloween.

costumes were interesting: we had tons of ladybugs and bumblebees, a couple of toliets, and others..too many to remember. so i'm gonna show you some pictures.

enjoy!

there's something about you...

2008-10-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

that tears me inside out whenever you're around.

so i wonder where all this is going. yes or no, no or yes, or maybe? i'm not quite sure if all this is even going to make sense. i guess that it's just me rambling/ stating whatever is going through my mind right now.
but it seems lately all i can think about is this whole thing with this boy.

i really am not sure what the hell i'm going to do.
dude sends me weird mixed signals.
hello please just send me a sign if you like me or not. wave your hands in the air or something!! anything!!

todaaay though is quite interesting so far..but i don't feel like blogging about it.

maybe later.
peace&love kiddies

Taking Chances

2008-10-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I finally admitted that I'm scared to give my heart away. I'm deathly afraid of getting hurt again and I've finally managed to say those words aloud.

But that smile that my fun buddy gave me, it made me want to take chances this year. I'm tired of being scared to open up again. I'm tired of being scared of getting hurt again. I realized that there will always be that chance of getting hurt no matter what and I need to get over that fear.

I'm not going to let that stupid boy that hurt me so damn much scare me from loving again, from taking chances.

Today: I wake up at 7:05 because I forgot to turn my alarm back on to 6:30am. AND momma thought that I had no school today, why the heck wouldn't I have school today momma?!! So I rush like mad to get ready and manage to leave my house on time. After school was an adventure. 6 girls, 1 car, techno music blaring. 6 girls singing at the top of their lungs to "Everytime We Touch" by Casacada & then 4 girls dancing outside of the car = a very funny sight. EVERYONE was staring at us. I just wanted to get my tousche and my caramel latte & doughnuts outta there ASAP.

Silly boy is really pushing for me to be a fairy princess for Halloween.
Me to E: You should come trick-or-treating with us on Friday.
A to K: Yo, she won't tell me what she's going to be for Halloween dawg.
K to me: You should be a bumblebee.
Me to A, K, & E: I'm NOT going to be a freakin' bumblebee
K to me: But it'd be so cool.
A to me: You should be a fairy princess it'd be cute/cool (he said one or the other..I'm not too sure anymore)
Me to all: NEH. I'ma be something else...
*I walk away ending the coversation.

Seriously, this boy really would like to know what I'm going to be for Halloween, and I'm having too much fun, so he's just going to hafta wait til Friday to find out.
:D

I'm taking my first chance on him.
Hopefully all goes well, wish me luck.

Toodles Darlings,
Marielle

Unfinished Business

2008-10-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

So you know what I hate? I hate when people break up, then get back together, then break up again, then get back together, et cetera et cetera. Here's what I think about it. RI-DIC-U-LOUS. Either stay together or break up. Please, spare me the whining and complaining about how she's a bitch to you and how she blames every fight on you and how you really should break up with her, how you want to break up w/ her. Please spare me form all of that b/c I'm sick and tired of hearing it.

Another thing I can't stand: boys who flirt with other girls even though they have a gf. Been there, done that, didn't turn out too pretty. Please don't try to butter me up calling me cute and think that I'm going to flirt back. Let's not go there. Ever. Kay thanx.

On the bright side, updates in my life:
Work-it's been great. that very cute boy smiles at me and my knees go weak and I can't help but smile back. And people have been asking me if I'm falling in love w/ this boy. My answer is no, Marielle doesn't fall anymore. Whatever happens happens.
School-I've finally stopped my procrastinations. I'm doing amazingly well in Calc which is surprising b/c it's math..i mean c'mon, i loathe math. 1st quarter ends Halloween so I'm looking forward to class rankings.

Speaking of Halloween..I'm Cleopatra btw..for Halloween that is. Amazingly the dress isn't slutty. It's pretty and I can't wait til my fun buddy sees me. Silly kid thought I was going to be a fairy princess. Who knows, maybe a lil somethin' somethin' will happen b/w us ;D
hah. that sounded skanky..didn't mean to make it sound like taht.

OH! AND I DON'T HAVE WORK ON HALLOWEEN! I'm not scheduled to work til Sat. Nov. 1 :) I get to trick-or-treat w/ my lil cuzzins! WOOHOO!

But umm..main thing of this post. I think taht maybe old feelings are starting to arise. Hon we have some unfinished business we should really take care of. k thanx bye.

i leave you with this: "this heart won't heal if you keep tearing out the stitches."

Being needy and jelous is NOT attractive..

2008-10-22T10:09:00.001-07:00

I have that weird feeling in my stomach.
Like something bad is about to happen but I can’t put my finger on it.
Maybe it’s just the weather, it’s depressing outside which is depressing me. Everyone’s thought that I was angry all the day. Probably because I walk around the hall like I’m the biggest bit** in the world. Which is funny because I’m really not.

Ahh who knows. I’ve made some unlikely alliances lately which is surprising to me. I thought this girl was fake. But it turns out she’s quite nice, well, to me at least. I didn’t like her all that much last year, probably because of some issues that she caused but this year she’s just dandy, a sweetheart so to speak.

I don’t know why I’m upset right now, I really don’t, but I am. Something is seriously bothering me and I don’t quite know what it is. I wish I did though because then maybe I could fix it. Maybe it’s the way that certain boy is acting towards me. Last week he was all friendly and jazz, but this week, he’s acting as if I don’t exist. Sucks.

I keep telling myself that I don’t want a relationship, that it’s not what I need right now. But I can’t help but feel jealous every time I see those cutsie couples in the halls. They’re friggin adorable, from the way they hold hands and call each other ‘babe’ to the way they kiss and walk each other to and from their classes.

I want that

I am a jelous jelous girl. I want to be loved and called ‘babe’. I want to hold hands with a cute boy and have him walk me to my classes.
There’s been no one lately, no one at all, and so far it’s worked for me. Because when there is someone, it causes trouble, various issues arise, but now, I want something. Nothing serious of course, I don’t think my heart is quite stable enough for such a seriouso relationship. I just want someone to cuddle with and kiss and talk to and call ‘babe’. Gosh, I miss that.

I am a needy girl

This rainy cloudy weather is depressing me. Skanks. I’m done.
Someone smack me and tell me to stop all this whining.

Toodles.
Marielle, the needy jelous child.

what a friggin weekend

2008-10-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

so home friday because i had no work...or so i friggin thought...

saturday i thought i was suppose to go into work @ 3..but i turns out that i was suppose to start @12..sucked man, i sorta kinda got in trouble/scolded. my manager makes me come over to him when i come into work @ 2:45..he's all like "where were you yesterday?" i stand there not saying anything looking all confused..

me: "?"
manager: "you were suppose to come in yesterday. where were you?"
me: the schedule said that i didn't have work friday.
manager: when'd you check the schedule?
me: last saturday.
manager: well you check the wrong one. AND you were suppose to come in at 12 today, it's 3o'clock.
me: oh...i'm sorry i deff didn't know...
*pause/awkward silence/me looking extremely embarassed*
manager: it's okay, just make sure you look at the right schedule next time.
me: i'm REALLY sorry about that.

:(
i thought he was going to fire me right then &there.

sunday: woke up @ 6:45...work @ 8. i had to walk my little butt there. i froze. almost died. it was freeeezing! i expected work to be empty..but NO! parking lot is like halfway full. i'm all like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?! WHY ARE YOU FOOD SHOPPING @ 8 AM ON A SUNDAY MORNING!! GO BACK TO SLEEEEEEP!"

XD

shame shame shame.
but i was outta work by 3 so i'm all set.

today is alright. had an assembly for seniors on yearbooks and class rings. it was oodles of fun..mostly stared at my "fun" buddy that looked oh so sad. i just wanted to give him a nice big hug and a lil peck on the cheek :)

hehe.

kay kay, i'm done..hopefully i have an adventure this afternoon seeing that i have no work this week til friday :)

toodles,
marielle

sometimes i anger myself

2008-10-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

i let little tiny things that don't even matter get to me.

for example: this thing with that child. whatever this stupid thing is i absolutely loathe it. i don't understand why i'm getting so worked up over nothing.

here's what i know: after the whole fiasco w/ E me & the child started talking..i started to trust him which is big because i don't trust anyone. he sweet-talked his way to me. and i fell for all of it. he promised me that he wasn't like every other guy i knew, you know an a-hole, but he ended up being one.

my proof: he asked for a goodbye kiss that day in june, which i gave him, and it turned into a makeout session..ahh..i'm so ashamed. and then threeeee count them tres days later, he's back with his ex whom he says he was so in love with!

oh! and another thing that gets me so mad about him, he lies to all his "friends"! he tells them he's 17 when truth is he's 15..

..ahem ahem..yes i 'talked' to a fourteen year old and no i am NOT a pedophile(sp?)

i am ashamed for even talking to him in the first place. darn that child. darn him and his charming ways!!!!

what sucks even harder is that he's buddies w/ my cousins..and his family is friends w/ my family..like honestly, it doesn't get any better than this.

@$!($*(@*@#(*%#*&@#^*!

anywho..i just ranted about him which means that i didn't get the closure i needed. oh boy. i am a stupid stupid girl.

It feels like a monday

2008-10-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

1st: i'd like to say that i think i'm getting sick :(

Friday- rents come home to find my lazy touchse sitting..no laying on the couch watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Momma scrowls at me XD. We decide to go out. Have dinner @ wendy's...yum. drive to walmart to go potty because i drank my large soda waaay too fast. then drive to danvers to burlington coat factory. mommy buys 2 dresses whereas i buy nothing..though i did see some really cute flats..should've bought those damn flats..

Saturday- got woken up around 9am by my little cousins..rents go off to home depot to buy us a new sink. eat breakfast. browse the interwebs, watch a little tee vee. around 11am i decide to shower and get ready for work. out of the house by 11:30am...i jet to work..there by 11:45..start my shift early.all worth it becausemy man candy was working. my god that man is sexy ;D
go home 'round 7:30ish..play w/ little cousins for a half hour. eat. bed by nine..i was pooped.

Sunday- again got woken up @ 8:30am by little demon children that refuse to let me sleep...they bounched up and down on my bed like it was some trampolne..tried to ignore it but they just started poking my face instead..rawrr. suppose to stay home and do my project but rents say they're going shopping so i tag along. we go to the flea market in NH..i got a new scraf..momma got a new bag, 2 scarfs, and some rugs for our kitchen. then we go to ME, kittery...outlets and jazz. Aero is having a hug sale..i buy 3 tshirts and 1 polo. we leave ME, go back to danvers to the north shore to eat @ legal sea foods cus we're hungry and momma has a $50 gift card. mommy orders me a veggie plate w/ scallops...that was a BUST! but i stole daddy's yummy fried seafood platter :)
so i'm all full but our waitress comes over and informs us that dessert is on the house because we waited too long for our meal..made me all happy. i order a Belgian Chocolate mousse..that thing was like BAM so much freaking chocolate yo. it was deliciouso. i go home happy & stuffed. went to be by 11ish.

Monday- up @ 8am. ate breakfast for forever. hung up laundry for mommy. played w/ little one for an hour or so. showered @ 10:30. dressed by 11. waited for marcy & lauren. we go costume shopping. i find a cute cleopatra costume. i get it. lauren gets a mother nature costume. go to work. oh boy man candy was looking delicious..

more later

happy birthday livi!

2008-10-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

dearest livi,
this post is dedicated to you my darling.
happy happy happy birthday!
i hopes you have a wonderful day!!
you're the best! & I love all your stories!!
whoot whoot.
have a rave today :D

XD

loooove you livi!

happy birthday dearest.

t.g.i.f.

2008-10-10T12:39:00.001-07:00

so it's friday and i'm glad because this week was just a killer for me.

ehh so here's my weekend plans:
tonight: nada. chilling probably.
saturday: work 12pm-7pm.
sunday: project
monday: costume shopping w/ the girlys.

shabam.
have a good long weekend everyone.

:D

peace&love,
marielle

happy birthday jayo!

2008-10-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

this post is dedicated to you!
yayyayayayay!
you're 19!
how fun..rawrr..i can't wait til i turn 18 :D

but i hopes you have a good day!
happy birthday meng!

:)